I know it’s supposed to be “Throwback Thursday’s” but I’m not that type of gal. I am however a deep thinking, contemplative type of person so I decided a “Thoughtful Thursday” kind of post would be more appropriate for me and my kind of people. I am considering making something like this, taking thought evoking pieces, video or articles and sharing them here on Thursdays a regular thing.
I chose this video featuring Jim Carrey and his thoughts about “What It All Means.”
As I watched this video listening to Jim Carrey, who for the record, I have never been a big fan of his comedy style, (Yes, I am aware I am probably one of the very few people on the planet who isn’t.) I became engaged with what he was offering. I felt like here in this moment, he was pushing past barriers, and really taking a step away from who we, including himself, think he is and just baring his true essence, a little piece of his authentic self.
It’s not for everyone. It might be challenging for some but that’s a good thing really. Challenge presents an opportunity for growth. If we’re not growing then we are dying.
I hope you all who see this can appreciate it for what it’s worth.
We are born full of light, innocence, beauty and unlimited potential. Something happens along the way as we grow. We become conditioned, or as Don Miguel Ruiz would call, “domesticated”, being indoctrinated into other people’s false beliefs (lies) about who and what we are, whether that be by our parents’ religious ideas, cultural traditions, and societal influence.
It’s all lies.
We grow up believing the lies.
We struggle with them, falsely believing them as truths, even as it aches at our very core of being because it’s so out of alignment with the truth of who and what we really are.
We become teenagers who rebel. We do this in an attempt to break-away from what our parents, society, and culture have spoon fed us from birth, from religion to traditions of our people, to try and figure out who we really are. Most often then it’s still a failed attempt.
We still take with us the lies. Our rebellion, though unbeknownst to us, is now deciding which lies we’ll believe and which ones we won’t.
But they are, like it or not, still lies all the same.
We think we know ourselves.
But in truth, all we know is what we’ve been taught. We know how we’re supposed to act and who we are supposed to be. We haven’t known anything else to know that we aren’t free.
We become adults rebelling against our highest selves, our truest nature, denying that we have the right to be happy, joyful, healthy, prosperous and abundant.
That is all for other people, not us.
Instead, we believe that we’re just filthy sinners, unworthy of all these wonderful things life has to offer.
Even if we’re not conscious of this, our actions or in-action show otherwise.
During many periods of our lifetime, we may experience severe depression, anxiety and have this inner-conflict of knowing that something just isn’t quite right. We are searching for purpose, for beauty, for truth and justice and sense of being in the world but we don’t know what that is, nor do we understand that we ALREADY have all of that within us because we’ve never known anything but what we were taught which blinds us from the truth of being fully us.
We weren’t born separate from God. This is the BIG LIE.
That amazing light that we are born with contains all the beauty, joy, and unlimited potential for our lives. It is the Divine Love and spark of God within us. It’s time to awaken to this magical truth and be who we really are.
The night that Hurricane Irma moved through here in south Florida, September 10th, and we had lost power, I sat reading on my kindle by the open window. I read a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer “In Spirit” in which he spoke of forgiveness and Immaculee Ilibagiza, calling her a living Saint. I had previously bought a book by Immaculee, “Left to Tell“, for my kindle but I hadn’t read it yet. I had read some of it earlier after watching “The Power of the Heart”, but this time I was re-introduced to her story of survival through the 1994 Rwandan Genocide through “In Spirit” as I previously mentioned. I must admit here and now that I’m so moved by the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza that every time I say her name my eyes well up with tears.
If you’re not familiar with Immaculee, I suggest you read her story or watch a few videos on YouTube of her talking about it. If you’ve watched the movie, “The Power of the Heart”, her story is there as well. If you haven’t watched the movie, I suggest you do so, not just for Immaculee’s story, but for the beautiful and powerful messages contained in the movie.
Immaculee Ilibagiza was in hiding for 91 days with 7 other women in a tiny little secret bathroom (who has secret bathrooms?!) at a pastor’s home. These women hid for their lives as the Hutu people (9 million pop.) hunted the Tutsi people (1 million) and slaughtered them by the masses with machetes. In the end, 800 thousand Tutsi were murdered, including Immaculee’s mother and father and other members of her family. Immaculee survived and came out weighing 65 pounds! She was 5’9!
I can’t even begin to imagine the utter and sheer horror these women faced daily in a tiny bathroom, where they could not make a sound for fear the people in the house would know of their existence. Horrific. But what touched me the most, and what CHALLENGED me (and still does) is after everything she had to suffer and endure, for 91 days in hiding in a tiny bathroom with 7 other women, unbathed ,and nearly starved, was her resolve to FORGIVE the people, the Hutu people who would have seen her dead if they’d have found her! To FORGIVE the Hutu for killing her parents and other family and so many of her people! To FORGIVE them …
” for they know not what they do.”
In that tiny bathroom, Immaculee learned how to be One with the God she wholeheartedly believes in. She learned to see with and through those eyes to find the power from that FORGIVENESS to move on with her life. I sobbed.
I broke down.
I wept so many tears.
As I read Immaculee’s words, I felt such power moving through me, so much so I clenched my heart. I felt the pain of my own soul crying out. I heard myself asking out loud, “Why do we here have so much hatred for each other?” From today’s issues of White Supremacy to trans-issues (the trans-women who are boldly proclaiming it’s OK to act out violently against women who don’t agree with them!), from religious beliefs to sexual orientation, to class and culture, from gender identification to XXX …
Even deep hatred for our own selves.
The hatred seems to know no bounds in the world today. Especially right here in our hearts. This is where it starts. This is where it can stop. It begins with us taking stock, owning up and understanding this truth.
Inspired by Immaculee Ilibagiza’s story of her survival through the Rwandan genocide and her incredible divine power to transform life through forgiveness, I’ve created for myself a journal called “I Forgive”.
If Immaculee Ilibagiza can forgive the people who MURDERED her own parents, surely I can forgive those experiences and people in my life I feel have “done me wrong”, or hurt me in my past from as far back as I can remember, to those I’ve allowed to hurt me in the present day.
I don’t need to hold that anger, ugliness, and pain in my heart. I am only destroying parts of my own heart and denying myself the happiness, joy, health, wealth, and abundance I rightfully deserve, that all human beings deserve.
I’ve done a lot of personal work and letting go over the years but what I’ve come to understand it’s not a “one-time” deal. We can only let go of so much at one time before it loses its meaning and power to “let go”. We can not say, “I let go and forgive everything ever wronged to me” … no, it’s too vague and lacks the power that forgiveness actually has.
We need to be specific.
That’s the hard part, but once named and written, we CAN Forgive it and let it go.
Dare I say it?
“Yes, we can!”
I was surprised at my first entry:
” I forgive my mom for not being the kind of mother to me everyone else had growing up. I forgive her for being sick and being unable to care for me and raise me. I forgive her for sending me to Ohio to be raised by her mother and father.”
I was shocked that when I put the pen to paper those were the first things to come up for me. I was always so close to my mom when she was alive. But apparently, this was something deep within. It was real. Parts of self, my little girl self, had a voice and those were her words. I ended each section (dealing with a person or event & experience) with:
“My Power to Forgive is not a pardon, nor does it extend excuse to what wrong I perceive was done to me. My Power to Forgive is an acknowledgment that the fate of the condition of my own mind, heart, and soul is in my hands. I recognize that I wield the sword of power to Love or Hate and hold it in my whole being. What I choose transforms the Sword I wield and the state of my being and so I choose Forgiveness. I choose to set myself free. I choose transformation and happiness through the power of Forgiveness which is Love. “
This is what feels right for me.
So far I’ve written up from my childhood to my teen years, my toxic marriage to my abusive ex-husband, Chris, who is, to this day, in total and absolute denial of any wrongdoing on his or his family’s part and blames me for everything as if he wasn’t there and involved at all.
Still, I’ve forgiven him.
And I’m working daily on the part where I send him nothing but love. Right now I send simply nothing but nothing. However, I have forgiven him. I want to get to a place where I can actually send love. Even if he doesn’t know it, I will know it. But that time is not yet.
To be honest, I am sure I will write, “I forgive Chris for xxx” several more times to come as I’m sure I will with many things. But those things once visited will be forgiven, cleansed and never spoken of again.
I’ve written about my children who, as any parent is likely to know, will take you through it as they grow. Although it may be part of their natural process of transitioning from child to teenager, and often through the early ages of adulthood, it can be quite painful and agonizing.
I have forgiven them.
I’ve written about friendships I’ve let go of this year, friendships that weren’t serving my highest purpose at all. One friend whom I called my sister, a priestess I initiated into the mysteries of women and Goddess, seemed to be only a taker. All she did was take from me, never offering anything in return. She learned from me as I offered freely wisdom teachings, spiritual counsel, etc. and she gave nothing in return. Not even the courage to speak up and stand in her truth when she felt something was wrong, but instead cowardly walk away, saying nothing.
I have forgiven her.
I let it go. Moving on into the pure blissful flow.
Because that’s what Forgiveness does.
I allow whatever comes through and up asking for forgiveness. It’s amazing because as I’ve said before, I’ve done so much personal work and “forgiveness” I thought I was done. We’re never done. This is ongoing. This is the “Forgiveness Confessional” and should be done daily or at the very least, weekly. I’ve just recently started to write about myself.
This is tough.
I’m forced to look into the mirror of my soul, the things I am seeing there I do not like. They are ugly, and they are painful. Yet, it’s these very things that I’ve held onto so tightly.
Yet, it’s these very things that I’m holding onto with a death grip as if I can’t let go of them.
But I can. And I will. And I am.
And I will. And I am.
And I am.
I am struggling with it. I feel much resistance to writing certain things that I need forgiveness from my Self for. It’s not for fear if anyone sees, but having to look directly into it, that mirror of my own soul. It’s not about being unable to admit the wrongs I’ve done to other people, which have been plenty. Not that I’m proud of that, but I own it.
For me, it’s admitting what I’ve done to my Self.
Having to sit with a pen to paper and writing out those thoughts, those memories; confessing the horrible sins I’ve done to my own self has been the most difficult. Dealing with simply having to admit my wrong in the first place, the wrong I’ve held onto to punish myself for in a myriad of ways, even unconsciously.
But again I remember I have the Power to Forgive, even myself and most importantly myself! And I’m admitting, I’m writing, and I’m forgiving…
The Power of Forgiveness Isn’t For The Weak
If you say you “can’t forgive xxx” then it’s because you choose not to. Like it or not, it’s that simple.
Remember Immaculee Ilibagiza, who forgave the Hutu people who carried out a mass genocide of her people, the Tutsi in Rwanda. Immaculee found the power to Forgive even those individuals who murdered her family and forced her into hiding in a tiny bathroom 7 other women for 91 days with barely enough room to stand.
It is untrue to say you “can’t forgive” because you can. It’s that you instead “won’t forgive” and willingly choose to hold on to that pain, that anger, that hatred, and allow it to eat pieces of your heart and soul up inside.
You have that right.
You have free will.
No one will take it from you but you’d better own that choice.
If you make the choice to be unforgiving and hold on to your pain, your anger, and your hatred, then you should understand fully that you don’t have the right to blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself.
It’s yours by choice.
I would just ask that you really think about the immense power of Forgiveness that is in your hands. You hold it, the Power of it is yours. That Power determines the fate of the condition of your heart, mind, and soul.
This actually started out this morning as a just one of those lengthier type of Facebook status updates. Instead, I kept writing, and writing. I decided it was best shared here instead, which of course will still be shared on Facebook as well. Just not like I originally intended. ~
Here’s what I don’t understand, we can’t even talk about obesity without people getting upset, claiming “Fat Shaming” and if we can’t talk about the real issues without being shut down the moment we start talking them, then we will never be able to deal with any of them.
As many may now know, I’ve decided to get certified as a health and nutrition coach not only to help other people but to help my SELF. Once upon a time, like many of us, I was in tip-top physical shape, a “smokin’ hot body” if I say so myself. There’s some on this list who knew me when and can verify that is true. Over the years, children, busy lifestyle, depression, divorce, and whatever else real-but-still-excuse- I let get in the way, I gained a significant amount of weight.
At one point I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome some years back, and still I did nothing. I hid from my friends who knew me ‘back-in-the-day” for I knew they’d be shocked at how I looked. I didn’t do much of anything anymore but take care of my girls all the while getting unhealthier by the day.
It wasn’t until something incredible happened in 2012 that I decided to reclaim the life that was mine. I wanted to live a long, healthy life, and be there for my daughters, my granddaughters (I just assume they will be girls too) and their children. I wanted to enjoy life and everything it has to offer. I started a diet and exercise routine, started losing weight and suddenly developed stomach issues. I lost a considerable amount of weight then due to both the diet, exercise and of course the stomach issues that eventually landed me in the hospital having surgery in May of 2012.
Since then it’s been an off and on type of relationship. I’ve made friends with my self, and my body but I realize now I didn’t quite fall desperately-in-love with myself and my body like I should have. So I treated my Self and my body like the good friend you see every now and again; the kind that you don’t have to see or talk often but when you do, it’s like nothing ever changed? Yes, I treated my Self and my body like that.
What I’ve learned is that you can do that with real friends in other bodies, but you can not do that to your self. It’s no good, not very healthy.
I did gain some weight back, then lost it again and then started a short cycle of up a few pounds and then down a few pounds, and all the while getting upset, and frustrated with my body in the process, and like the friend you start to avoid because they are getting on your nerves always complaining about this, or whining about that, I started to avoid my Self, and my body.
Sure, I tried to live the healthy-ish lifestyle, and I did the main things, like eat, sleep and shower. I even kept up my beautifying routine, which brings me to yet another point:
One of my daughters said to me about why I look younger than I actually am, “Mommy, you look so young because you take damn good care, almost obsessive care of your skin naturally and it shows.”
I thought to myself how true that statement was and yet, why did I only stop at my skin? Certainly, that’s not the only reason my skin looks good. There’s environmental factors, genetics, I’m a non-smoker, I drink lots of water, yeah…I feed my skin good stuff, nothing but the best naturally.
Wow. Only my skin?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Here I am obsessing over having healthy looking skin but I wasn’t bothered with making the effort to be healthy in my physical body! Why didn’t I put forth just as much effort in my overall health, and not just focused on my awesome skin care routine?!
Why?! I like having fabulous, youthful looking skin. You’d think I’d want the healthy body to go with that. But something inside of me was sabotaging my efforts to my good health journey, and sadly, apparently it didn’t take much. My focus remained on how to have healthier, more youthful, glowing skin.
No, I’m not interested in looking 21, that’s not the goal. Ironically, my goal was to be a vibrant, radiant, healthy looking woman whatever my age. Yes, that’s right, my goal was to look vibrant, radiant and healthy, without, apparently, actually being healthy.
How oxymoronic is that?
Fat In Florida:
After I moved into my father’s house is when I felt the worst. You can read more about that experience here in the 8 Pearls Of Light That Guided Me Through Hell post. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t yoga anymore, I didn’t even walk. My weight was an issue they liked to talk about, to humiliate me to bring me down, even though they are fat slobs themselves.
I gained a few pounds as if out of rebellion to say, “Eff you! You don’t control my life, and damn sure not my weight.” How stupid was that? Here I was sabotaging my health because my father and is wife are idiots. This is a perfect example of how moving from an ego-centered place will get you screwed every time. And a fatter ass.
After we moved out, and into our place where we are, I needed time to decompress. I still didn’t jump back-into the weight-loss and healthy-ish lifestyle I was mostly-kind- of-trying to live back in Ohio. I went to work, and have been slowly making our condo our place again.
We’ve now officially been here over 2 months, and I’ve started to find my groove again. Before I left Ohio, a big issue for me then was, “What am I going to do with my life when I grow up?” “What is my calling?” I knew I didn’t want to work in the medical field doing what I do for the rest of my life. Yet, I knew that my calling is to be of service to people, and community. Once I started to settle in here at the condo a bit more, with all of the tension previous months at my father’s house being dissolved into nothingness, these questions were now at the forefront of my mind, and heart once more.
I don’t remember the definitive moment if there was one where I decided enough is enough, and I have to do something. But something indeed happened to me. In a moment of pure, and divine stillness, everything changed. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what I was called to do, and I decided right then and there to do it with the same passion, love and excitement I’d do for my loved ones, for my best friend to make their life more comfortable, happy and complete.
I decided to be my own Best Friend. To not only love my Self fearlessly, and courageously despite having ignored my Self for so long, but also to fall IN- Love with my Best Friend, my Self–and I’m falling, deeper and deeper with every day that passed by.
I wanted to do anything, and everything I could for my Best Friend, to show her that I am truly sorry for the way I’ve treated her, the ONE person who’s been with me through every single thing I’ve ever gone through, the ONE person who’s had my back through thick and thin (pun intended); she is the ONE person who took the hit, no matter how hard, for every rotten and stupid choice I’ve ever made. I owed to her, my Best Friend, My Self, do whatever I could to make things right.
Where to start? That was easy. I knew I treated her skin good, so I needed to treat the rest of her good too. I have always been an advocate of natural medicine (rarely ever relying on the doctors and big pharma as I’m terrified of them; working in a hospital and seeing up close and personal what goes on makes me even more weary of the network), raw foods, herbs and supplements, using many almost religiously when sick, and for preventive means. Whatever I did had to be focused somewhere in health and wellness.
Then lightening struck.
I saw an add for Institute of Integrative Nutrition, and I wanted to check that out. The moment I clicked on the link for the website, talked to some graduates, I knew without a doubt, this was for me. The fact that I already have a life coaching background made this even better. This was how I was going to begin to repay my Best Friend, my own beautiful Self back for every poor health decision I ever made.
This is a GIFT of health I am giving to me, Aura, and to my Best Friend-Self because I’m worth it! I realized it’s also a gift I’ll be able to share, and give to other people on the journey to health, wellness and happiness.
So my question is this:
Is there going to be a problem when I’m sharing on the social networks/public platforms what I’m learning, changing and growing from? Is there going to be a problem out there with the sensitive people who might benefit from some of the information I might share, and accuse me of “fat shaming?”
I have no doubt there will be. And that’s simply too bad, and so sad. I’ll not take it personal because I know it’s about their own issues coming to the surface, and something they don’t want to look at. As I’ve already said, I’ve been there. Now I’m on the journey back to healthy, and will gladly share that journey with any one else who wants to walk it, run it, or bike it with me.
Being Fat, Overweight, and Obese isn’t Ugly! It’s just Unhealthy!
Recently, I read an article called, My wedding was perfect and I was fat as hell the whole time”. While I admit it was a beautiful read, and I’m so glad that the bride felt good in her own skin, as fat as she is (her words), really reading those words, having been where she is, I know that for the most part, women who say, “I’m fat and happy” are only superficially happy. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Inside, deep inside, we are miserable, frustrated, and it’s not that we don’t want to get the weight off, it’s that we don’t know how. So instead, we opt for the in-your-face-I’m-fat-love-me-or-don’t-I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.
But we do give a fuck. Deep down, we really do give a fuck.
Oh sure, everyone knows, “Eat less, move your body more burn more fat” –yes, we know this much. But what we have a difficult time doing is getting to the heart of the problem of the weight in first place. Most often, it is a deep rooted pain, and rejection of self on the deepest level, so deep we aren’t even consciously aware of it. So deep, we deny it and say, “Oh hell no, girlfriend, I love myself, every inch of my fat body.”
Lies. All Lies.
It’s a brutal and painful hurt, which is why it’s buried so deep. We don’t want to look at it. If we have to look at it, we have to deal with it. This, to me, is where the whole “fat acceptance” comes in to play.
It’s not about other people having to accept us because we might be fat. Floating pictures of fat women in revealing outfits followed by and supported with encouraging comments meant to boost the self-confidence only helps with the outer-self, the self esteem which is very important. Big women need to know they are beautiful, they are gorgeous as anyone else. And yet, still, no matter what, it all comes back to us accepting ourselves as we are.
This photo of a woman in her black leotard reads, “I’m not “pretty for a big girl”. I’m pretty period.”
Sure she is. She’s god damn gorgeous-as-she-is. It matters not if she’s a big girl in regard to being “pretty” or “gorgeous”. I see that it is the external where everyone’s focus seems to be, on whether or not a woman is beautiful, fat or not.
Of course she is.
To me the real questions are these:
Behind her physical beauty, is she healthy? What’s her heart look like? Is she at risk for other life-threatening diseases? And do we do more harm by ignoring the “fat issue” , pretending it doesn’t matter as long as the bigger woman feels attractive, and beautiful?
Fat acceptance starts with ourselves. It’s more than just accepting that, “Sure, yeah I know I’m a big girl/boy”. It’s beyond being stunningly gorgeous on the outside no matter what size you are. That’s external. It’s about the life-long haul; it’s finding the root cause, the emotional, mental and spiritual issue behind all of what’s causing us to hold on to the extra weight that will eventually lead to sickness, and other health issues that could lead to a host of other weight-related dis-eases that can cause early death. It is accepting who we are, and as fat as we are, and giving our fat self nothing but pure love. Real self-love, with the same kind of passion and intensity you’d give to another loved one. It’s the same kind, if not deeper, and stronger love we must give to our own Best Friend–Our Self.
When an overweight and/or obese person is accepted, and loved completely, fully from the self, only then can they begin to see real changes taking place in all aspects of their lives. Interesting enough, when most people fall in love one of the first things that often happens is they lose weight. Imagine falling in deep love with your Self…I’d imagine the weight of deep rooted pain, hurt, and shame carried around for years would begin to fall off, almost effortlessly. I can imagine that because it happened to me.
How I wish I could get inside my brain, to clean and organize it as easily as I do my house. First, I’d take out the trash – all those negative thoughts that get in the way and keep me from doing my best work.
I’d bag up all those old hand -me- down ideas that clutter up my brain and don’t fit me anymore. I’d suck up the cobwebs of less important thoughts so I could see my important ideas more clearly. I’d scrub the floor of complacency, allowing my passions to shine through. I’d wash the windows into my heart and soul so they could speak to me more openly. I’d analyze what I wanted to say and organize it into neat bundles. And finally, I’d decorate with pictures of good times, encouraging words, and smiles.
~ Elaine Luddy Klonicki
I believe that the priestess or priest of Isis should develop some facility with ritual. Of course, this is more important if we are involved in ceremony with other people, less important if we work solitary. But even for solitaries, having some ritual skill benefits our spiritual work by making it more graceful. This, in turn, enables us to be less self-conscious and better able to focus on developing our relationship with Isis.
Ritual is how we human beings do religion. Throughout the world—almost without exception—the practice of religion involves the practice of ritual. Even quiet, private prayer or meditation is normally ritualized in some way. Whether by folding our hands, sitting in a yoga asana, counting a rosary, or simply lighting a candle, some sort of ritual pattern is usually incorporated in spiritual activity.
Ritual is a communicative art that goes beyond what we are able to express by speech…
Wisdom and empowerment are the gifts of the Dark Goddess of Transformation. She is known to us as Kali, Hecate, Cerridwen, Lilith, Persephone, Fata, Morgana, Ereshkigal, Arianhrod, Durga, Inanna, Tiamat, and by a million, million other names:
Hear me child, and know Me for who I am. I have been with you since you were born, and I will stay with you until you return to Me at the final dusk.
I am the passionate and seductive lover who inspires the poet to dream. I am the One who calls to you at the end of your journey. After the day is done, My children find their blessed rest in my embrace.
I am the womb from which all things are born. I am the shadowy, still tomb; all things must come to Me and bare their breasts to die and be reborn to the Whole.
I am the Sorceress that will not be ruled, the Weaver of Time, the Teacher of Mysteries. I snip the threads that bring my children home to me. I slit the throats of the cruel and drink the blood of the heartless. Swallow your fear and come to me, and you will discover true beauty, strength, and courage.
I am the fury which rips the flesh from injustice. I am the glowing forge that transforms your inner demons into tools of power. Open yourself to my embrace and overcome. I am the glinting sword that protects you from harm. I am the crucible in which all the aspects of yourself merge together in a rainbow of union.
I am the velvet depths of the night sky, the swirling mists of midnight, shrouded in mystery. I am the chrysalis in which you will face that which terrifies you and from which you will blossom forth, vibrant and renewed. Seek me at the crossroads, and you shall be transformed, for once you look upon my face, there is no return.
I am the fire that kisses the shackles away. I am the cauldron in which all opposites grow to know each other in Truth. I am the web which connects all things. I am the Healer of all wounds, the Warrior who rights all wrongs in their Time. I make the weak strong. I make the arrogant humble. I raise up the oppressed and empower the disenfranchised. I am Justice tempered with Mercy.
Most importantly, child, I am you. I am part of you, and I am within you. Seek me within and without, and you will be strong. Know me. Venture into the dark so that you may awaken to Balance, Illumination, and Wholeness. Take my Love with you everywhere and find the Power within to be who you wish.
It’s been awhile! Where have I been? I don’t even know where to start! Hiding in my room almost all summer away from people and of life. Ahh..what a story that is but I don’t feel like telling it tonight. I’ll save that one for later as now I’m moved to talk about the darkness and the magic and beauty of it.
THE MOTHER OF DARKNESS
What comes to mind for many of us when we think of the Mother Goddess is nurturing, healing, warmth, light and loving energy. When we gather to celebrate Her energy, we sing, chant, and play music all that makes reference to Her divine light. We call on it and ask to be illuminated by it; we seek to be baptized in it so that Her brilliance may shine through our being.
There is a man who I’m “friends” with on Facebook who constantly refers to the light and often on his Facebook page he writes that “Truth and Love are only found in the Light”. This guy identifies himself as a medium. I’m not really sure what that means for him but he’s definitely confident that the only way to the truth is through the light and through that light is love.
For him, that may be true. For a lot of us, it may seem to be true. But for those of us who seek the truth, who are students of the ancient mystery schools of esoteric wisdom and such, we know that truth, whatever that may be for one is not the truth of another. We also know that truth and Love are not limited to or found only in “The Light”.
THE LIGHT OF LOVE
Most of us naturally associate love with light. We are conditioned to believe that all things that are light are good and all things dark are bad. In the spiritual communities, we often see signatures in emails and chats “In Love and Light”. Rarely do we see anyone signing off with “In Love and Darkness” lest we are thought of as having some sort of Gothic Vampire fixation or complex and not actually bestowing a signature departure and blessing of genuine love. For most of us in general, when we think of Mother Goddess, rarely do we think of Her dark and loving embrace and empowering lessons.
LIGHT OVER DARKNESS
We are taught to favor the light and to always be aligning ourselves with that, moving towards it and dance with it. Not too long ago we entered the realm of darkness at the autumn equinox. This offers a time to sit within this growing dark realm and learn of the Dark Mother’s many mysteries. As the year wanes forth, we will continue to sink deeper into her darkness until the darkest night, the winter solstice in December when Her light is reborn of the earth beginning the new solar year. Come this time, people all over the world in the northern hemisphere in many cultures and with just as many customs will joyously celebrate the return of light to the world again. From that point, the Her transformation from the old Dark Crone to Infant waxing light will be excitedly monitored as we anxiously watch her growth from the newborn sun at the winter solstice to the “Child/Daughter of Light” at Brighnasadh or Imbolc a.k.a “Candlemass” in February. A time when we celebrate what is said to be ” her stirring and awakening” in the belly of the earth. We do this with candles and milk. Another custom is to wait for the famous groundhog”Punxsutawney Bill” to see his shadow as confirmation of her return to us. As the wheel turns once more the vernal or spring equinox, in March, when we reach the day and night are equal in length once more, we will stand at the edge ready to bring things into perfect balance, releasing the dark of the year and stepping once more into the season of fire, of light and warmth.
Personally, I think that most of us spend more time hoping and waiting for the return of the light than embracing and sinking into the darkness and accepting all the dark, magical and healing gifts she has to offer us.
As a woman of the earth, sun, moon and stars, the rain and the wind, the ice and the snow–of light and of darkness it’s an important part of my personal spiritual practice to align myself with the natural energies of the earth. To flow with it, not fight against it. To slow down now in this time of darkness, to allow me to sleep, dream, and rest as much as I can. The darkness is indeed a healing time, a learning time, an introspective and transformative time. It is a time of letting go, of total surrender.
THE POWER OF LIGHT
Yes, there is power in the light and light is power. In the light is awareness and clarity to see all that lie before us or so we believe. Because of our clear vision, we are confident in our beliefs, therefore, we think we understand and know better than we can without the light. The light is our strength, the light is our power, our Excalibur. When we walk in the light we relax more and worry less about not seeing what we need as we erroneously believe that all is or will be made available to us; “All that we can not see will be brought to light”. Perhaps though, where a balance of darkness is concerned, we might also say that we can become “Blinded by the light.”
IN THE DARK
Darkness has gotten a bad rap. It’s long been associated with all things bad and evil. The unknown, the unseen and the mysterious in general can be a very frightening thing. All these things seem to be shrouded in darkness and because we can not see what’s before us we can feel unsafe and vulnerable in the dark. Many people are so afraid of the physical darkness that they must leave some sort of night light on in their homes to have a sense of security and safety so that nothing will harm them. We tell our children to come in before dark to keep them safe. We as women are conditioned to not venture out at night, especially alone because this is when the bad things happen, in the heart of darkness. We falsely believe that our power is diminished in the darkness. It’s true, in the dark we can be challenged but our power isn’t diminished. It is when we learn how to tap into and use other sources of power within.
LOVE IN THE DARK
It’s been said by many a philosopher and spiritual teachers that there is only Love and Fear; that the absence of Love is Fear. That doesn’t necessarily mean that absence of Love is darkness or that darkness is something that should be feared. When we open our hearts and choose to live consciously and live and act from a place of pure love for ourselves and others, we are able to see without seeing, feel without touching and recognize that divine love in the heart of darkness.
The unconscious, deep mind where unresolved conflicts and issues such as childhood fears, traumatic experiences, and abuses wait for an opportunity to rise to the surface calling out to us to be heard, to be remembered and receive much-needed healing through dreaming while we sleep is associated with the realm of darkness.
The shadows that crawl across the wall, those things that “go bump in the night”, creaking of the house settling, or the wind blowing can cause paralyzing fear in the dark. It seems that all these things creep up in the dark when we feel most vulnerable, just waiting to wreak havoc on our mind. For many, darkness can be a trigger for panic and overwhelming, intense and irrational fear.
IN DARKNESS TRUTH CAN BE FOUND
The truth can not be hidden in the realm of darkness. The truth of ourselves that we keep hidden that contains our fear, pain, and our rage –all that unconsciously binds us is revealed before the Mother of Darkness. It is this revelation before the Dark Mother that is one of Her great gifts to us; one of transformation, courage, strength and resolve. In the place of darkness, she offers us the opportunity to be quiet, to contemplate and go deep within ourselves, to question, to reflect and release traumas and issues and receive much-needed healing. In Her dark bosom, we find a place of rest, recovery, nurturing and renewal so that when the time comes we may step into the light with peace, strength. So that we may learn and receive the wisdom and knowledge of the truth of ourselves, and come to understand a different type of beauty and Love that is darkness.
It is in the darkness where we are created and where new life begins. It is where we are created whole, and we are transformed.
There is dark and light in all things and the Goddesses are no exceptions. All have a darker aspect but this darkness doesn’t have to be seen as bad or evil, just different. Working with a Dark Goddess can be an empowering experience as it offers us an opportunity for spiritual and personal growth by challenging us to see the truth of ourselves, to recognize our strengths and to nurture and protect ourselves on all levels of being, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In the Dark Mothers embrace, we are covered in Her divine darkness, led to a place of dreams where we receive visions, messages and where her mysteries are revealed as she imparts wisdom in her holy guidance. She is the darkness and She is the light in the darkness. She is all that is, was and shall be, time eternal.
In Love and Darkness,
There Shall be no fear of the Mother of Darkness,
She who is eternal, She who brings forth and nurtures all life,
She who is the Mother and the Crone, She who is the Transformer of Souls
Let us release ourselves into Her dark and most loving embrace.
She who is the beginning, the middle and end,
She who weaves, measures and cuts the cords
She of Wisdom, Mystery and Power,
In Her is the gift of Truth, Beauty, Strength and Love.