When I shared my last post, My Suicide Circus, here I received much feedback here in the comments and in my personal email and Facebook where I shared the link.
Most people seemed to get it. Others, Goddess Bless them, thought I was suffering and having a nervous break down and crying out for help.
The last thing I have ever needed was anyone’s pity for anything I have ever done in my life. But I say this with love and respect because the purpose OF sharing this was to share the experience of what can happen when one does the deep work of actually facing shadows, fears, and breaking through walls deep inside.
By the time I wrote this entry, I was already through the worst of it. Yet, it didn’t stop several people apparently thinking
- 1) I was suicidal
- 2) Having a nervous break down
- 3) Needing extra encouragement to ‘hang on’ and I believe one or two might have, in a round about way, suggested medication.
Let me take a moment to politely set the record straight. Not before, not during that time I wrote of, and not after have I ever been suicidal. I have never been suicidal a day in my life.
Have I been miserable with life? Certainly.
Have I been upset over some of the choices I made in life?
Yes and that’s what that post was all about. Facing ones worst enemy; that of the self. First of all, it’s a hell of a journey to get there in the first place. Most people back out before they even begin. But if you tarry on through, you end up face to face with your arch enemy, the one who fucked up your life, the real culprit, the one who made you cry, the one who didn’t let you fulfill your dreams…(insert blame for whatever here), your own shadow which is you.
That’s one hell of a pill to swallow. Most of my friends bitch, piss and moan to me now telling me how messed up so-in-so is because they did this and now I have to deal with this etc…
I don’t judge.
I’ve been there. I did the same thing too. But then I found myself on a journey to where there was no turning back and it led me to the deepest parts of myself to face the perpetrator of all the wrongs in my life—no one but myself.
So my friends are on another journey. They are not at the same place I am at and that’s OK. Most of them will never be able to be where I’m at. That too is OK. Each person has their own individual journey to their own truth, whatever that truth may be and this was mine.
I’ve been told by some others that the journey I took is a terrifying one and they just didn’t think they had it them to deal with it. As I said, it’s not a path for everyone to take.
But for me personally it was take this journey and end up either drowning in my own shit or coming out the other side alive but either way, transformed, changed and never again the same.
That’s exactly what happened.
People TALK about doing deep spiritual work, but truth be told, not everyone tows the line and keeps with it. I challenged myself daily and when I knew I was in a spiritual alchemical state, I knew there was no turning back. I knew this was it.
The post My Suicide Circus was a detailed post of my incredible, powerful and spiritual BREAKTHROUGH. I was not experiencing a breakdown although I have no doubt it was what I feared was happening.
Not ever having experienced such a thing, I didn’t really know.
But I do now.
I am changing on a multi-levels and in order to know what I truly mean, one would have to walk in my shoes and since no one can wear my shoes but me, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I busted through walls miles thick I’d never imagined existed in the first place let alone did I ever think I could break through them. It was painful. I was scared I was losing my mind, my grip on this reality. It was terrifying in the worst way but I had to push through.
I started down path and there was no turning back now even if I wanted to.
I descended into my own real live hell; my own fire and brimstone and everything nasty. I chose this path and when I was going down, so to speak, I fought to come back, I got scared, kicked, screamed, cried (literally) to return to my present place of mind, body and soul at the time.
Too late. There was nothing more I could do but turn and face my fear. The very filthy, stinking, rotting fears that kept me captive in my own self-made prison. If I didn’t face my fear, I would have chosen to give it the power to hold me captive in that prison for the rest of my entire life.
That could not happen. I would not let that happen. It’s what I started this deep work for back in October at our Samhain ritual.
I called this forth. I called forth this deep, transformational change to take place. What I didn’t count on, however, was how it was going to happen.
I now know that we have the power to call things forth but we do not have power to control how it manifests.
We can not control the outcome. Of anything.
It would be easy to hit that IGNORE button again and throw myself into school, work, women’s circle or some craft and hobbies but it wouldn’t have been addressing the issues that needed addressed.
That dark, wicked, horrible fear would always be lurking beneath the surface just waiting to take me down to drown in my own shit.
I wanted to be free. I wanted to really be free.
So what I shared in my post, My Suicide Circus, is a testament to what I experienced in my own journey. Truths that I had to pass on the way down to face my darkest Self.
It was heavy and perhaps too heavy and a bit too personal for a lot of people to handle. That’s OK. I mostly write for myself, to see myself say what I’m thinking in words before my eyes and in that way, writing is a part of my journey. But I am honored that anyone reads it are touched or moved in some way because of what I share.
In The Place Of Now
Now is always happening and what’s happening in the Now of my life is Change.
I am in no way the same person I was before that emotional tsunami hit. I don’t think the same about anything, I don’t feel the same about anything and I see the world with brand new eyes.
To some, it might seem manic in nature, and maybe to a certain degree it is. I am euphoric on so many levels, and yet I remain quiet grounded and anchored to earth. I have no illusions about anything, nor do I live in fantasy but I have come to realize that there are things that once up on a time, I believed were out of my reach, that were impossible dreams are not impossible at all. I believed the lies I told myself.
Nothing is out of my reach really. Nothing that falls within the natural law and order of things that is; I’d like to be able to grow wings and fly from place to place so I wouldn’t have to drive but yeah, that’s not likely to happen. Not in this reality anyway and it doesn’t follow the natural law and order of things.
The possibilities are really endless for whatever I want to do. It all depends on me and what I want to do. Not what I think I want to do but I really want to do. The emotional, psycho-spiritual connection I feel with this desire and how I follow up achieving any desire I have with right action.
Yes, I know. We all know this. The problem is knowing this intellectually is not the same as really knowing this. Reading it or hearing it said is like one big stimulating cerebral massage. The problem is for most people is usually that’s as far as it gets.
So anyway, here I am living in my Now.
My Now consists of facing a completely new direction in my life, facing the Land of the Rising Sun and tending the growth and manifestation of new and revived dreams.
Mentally-I have a lot of clarity and I know what it is I want to do vs where I was still unsure, yet constantly feeling that I was on the edge of something but I didn’t know what.
Emotionally-I’ve released so much through that storm and those things that didn’t wash away received cleansing and healing. Where I was once conflicted, torn and full of regret has been replaced by wisdom and gratitude for the lessons learned and for every day that I am granted to manifest my dreams for me.
Spiritually-The beloved Goddess of My Soul shall ever be! For all my searching without never got me anywhere, this much is true. She was within me all along and I found Her; it was She who set me free, it was She who broke through the walls around my heart and it was She who stood by me while I faced my greatest fear.
Lady and Divine Queen Isis, who searched the world over and found all the pieces of her beloved Osiris (whose brother Set had murdered him and cut his body into pieces and scattered them all over the world) and put them together again and made him whole also did lead me to find pieces of my broken self. She led to me to the place of my broken, torn and scattered self throughout and made me whole again.
According to the myth, Isis did not find Osiris’s penis. So she fashioned it out of clay to impregnate herself with Horus, the sun god, the light of the world. This is a very powerful and symbolic and courageous endeavor but Isis succeeded. She impregnated herself through her own craftiness and brought forth life into the world. It is this same will and courage that we must recognize within ourselves; Goddess/God/The Divine can only take us so far before they challenge us to create and bring forth those dreams (life) ourselves.
It’s said all the time, every day in so many ways through different verses, quotes and other wise sayings and yet, so few really grasp the power of this wisdom. It really is up to us. We have the power to create powerful change, to channel and create our own destiny and to live our dreams and to bring our deepest desires to life.
Physically– Aside from losing 25lbs, I have apparently released so much stress in my life that I am looking younger! I’ve always looked a few years younger than I actually am but now its more apparent. It’s more proof that how much stress, anxiety and tension can really really age a face. I’ve let so much of that go that my skin seems to radiate, glow and my complexion completely flawless. And Goddess Be Blessed, no, I don’t have any wrinkles either. Blessed Be the Fates.
Of course, some of that is due to genetics. My grandmother didn’t look “old” either until she hit 70. I don’t smoke and rarely drink alcohol and I drink tons of water a day (more than recommended amount) and green tea like crazy. I also don’t go in the sun and I moisturize with the stuff that nature made.
But I do believe a huge component was that intense, powerful emotional release. It drained that age from my face.
I also have more energy, probably due to losing that weight and I feel better about my body in general. I haven’t had a single headache since that storm. I walk every day for about an hour–I have no idea how far we walk, the girls and I, but we walk.
One big change I made was giving up the Sister Circle that I facilitated in my home. I will still do the Sister Social for now at the book store but the more private and intimate Sister Circle will be no more.
My heart was no longer in it and if my heart is no longer in it, I could not serve the women as best as they deserve. It is also a tie that I needed to sever that kept me here. I think a part of me felt that I needed to build this temple here in Northeast Ohio before I could move on, if I moved on. Yet deep down inside, while I loved the idea, I think I knew I was not meant to be here and therefore I would never build that great Goddess temple.
Maybe one day a beautiful temple of Goddess will be created here in Northeast Ohio but not by me.
My heart calls me to a place far, far away. I am reaching out for that place with all my being and it reaches back, through time and space. I know where I belong and its not here.
So for now, here inside my cocoon I still transform and I still change, growing my wings and getting my color. Soon I will emerge into the Monarch that I was born to be.
The Queen that is me.