The Best Tarot Readers Like Onions

thI remember the first time, many moons ago,  I read that onions were sacred to the Egyptian Goddess Isis. My immediate thought was that an onion was an odd thing to be so sacred. However, as I grew in knowledge, and deeper wisdom unfolded, I began to see why the Ancient Egyptians likened the onion to Isis. Aside from its many healing properties from healing bee stings, insect bites, ridding of warts, corns, and other skin afflictions; curing disease, repelling evil curses, and protecting children from sickness, and to alleviate asthma, and other breathing issues as well as many other uses. It was also considered a symbol of the universe, and its multi-layered dimensions; one layer of existence revealing the next.

Today while shuffling my cards and my eye caught the statue of Isis on my altar. I drew “The Fool”. I put the other cards down, and looked at this card, which is from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, and instantly I thought of the onion, and its many layers. It made me think deeply of the Tarot in general, readings, and my friends who read them.


I have many friends who read the Tarot, and yet I rarely have them read for me for several reasons. It isn’t because they aren’t good at reading the cards or haven’t mastered the concrete definitions of the cards but because one can not be told the mysteries of ones soul by another. We have all the answers we need within. It is said in may esoteric circles, that “We need only remember all that we have forgotten.” It is the Tarot readers responsibility to guide, and encourage the querent to the answers within using the Tarot as a tool, not to attempt to ‘tell’ anyone what their future holds or what is going on in their past or current situations.

A querent who is conscious of his or her own life affairs should certainly already know this much. Unfortunately, a lot of  Tarot readers  I know and have experience with, friends included, do not seem to get beyond the mastery level of fixed definitions, and therefore leave the layers of the Tarot card relatively unpeeled, so to speak, and deeper wisdom untapped.

For example:

Those who do the card a day reading, drawing one card, and then sharing their interpretation of the general meaning, and definition of the card. The problem with this is that, let’s say she might draw the Queen of Swords today, July 17th, 20015 and then again October 17th, 2015; both cards will have the same interpretation, and definition copy, pasted, and attached to it. Where’s the mystery in that? Sure, it might “hit home” for some, and be relevant on many levels but the reason for that is mostly likely because the mind gets busy trying to find itself in the prediction. So naturally picking out any card, and posting any interpretation is going to “hit home” for many.  And later in the day, they will unconsciously make their actions fit the prediction of the day, and later say, “Oh my god, that was right on!”Queen+of+Swords

Yes, maybe so, but it could have been so much better!

Here’s another example:

The last time I had a real bona fide reading was Samhain of 2012. Samhain is October 31st or astrologically celebrated November 7,8,or 9th depending on the  year. At this particular time, it was November 7th. Samhain is a time when it’s said the veils between the world’s, the realm of the living, and of spirit are thinnest; when the ancestors can visit, and other ghostly beings too. It is a time we honor the dead, and celebrate the aspect of life we call death. It’s a powerful, mystical, magickal time. With all this thinning of the veils, and magick about from this realm into that of the mystical, all-knowing other side, certainly it was a good time for reading.

A dear Sis-star read for me, outside by the fire, and under the light of the full moon. I absolutely hated the reading. The emotional coloring was all off, and nothing about it made any sense whatsoever. The more she tried to literally define the cards, the worse it was. She was going through a personal transition in her life as well, and I felt at the time that might be adding to the over all color of my reading. Ultimately, by the end of this night, nothing was answered by Spirit. At least, not to my awareness.

I ended up carrying this reading with me into the world of dreams where it showed itself to me again as more of a revelation. Before I stepped out of bed I picked up the cell phone and text another soul sis-star of mine and shared with her my dream. She responded with, “Wow! What a powerful dream! What do you think it means?”

At that time, I didn’t know. But after talking to yet another soul sis-star of mine, who is an excellent guide, teacher. and friend, I was able to discover, and let unfold the ginormous picture; the over all message for my soul from my soul. So ultimately, in the end of all things, it was my sis-tars interpretation of the cards in my original reading for me that didn’t jell for me; the cards however, were right on the money.

This is because mysteries can not be told or shared. They must be experienced, and they reveal themselves to the student or seeker. This includes the Tarot as well. It is easy for even a skilled reader to project themselves into the reading even when they don’t believe they are and/or are trying to often reading, and picking up on what Self or spirit is trying to communicate to the reader vs what is necessary for the querent.

Another reason I rarely have others read for me is because I understand that I am the creator of my visions, my dreams, and I am the map maker of my future in the here, and now. I’ve been given all the tools I need to create my destiny. Having another attempt to read for me, which is actually trying to “tell” me what possibilities are in store for me does nothing to nurture my spiritual growth, and reliance on my own inner wisdom but in fact, if taken to heart, has the potential to throw me off my course.

An essential part of spiritual practice is understanding that it is a path of self exploration and discovery. It is learning how to trust the inner-wisdom that comes explicitly from the heart, and not outside sources of other telling us what is, and what is not, regardless of who it is they say they are, and what they do. The Divine speaks to all of us.

The Tarot is Like an Onion

Every card is like an onion, layered with such deep esoteric meaning just waiting to be discovered. While I think the basic associations are solid, such as, the suite of cups being related to the realm of water which is further associated with intuitive process, matters of the heart, and fluid movement, I do not think the cards themselves are repetitive.  In other words, I do not think that what the nine of pentacles says today will be exactly what it will say tomorrow under different circumstances, and affected by different energies. To read in that fashion is to not to peel back any more layers of that beautiful onion, and reveal the deeper secrets, and mysteries that are waiting to be discovered.

Unfortunately, many of the readers I know and have come into contact with spend more time in their head over intellectualizing the cards, and their meanings interpreting them literally instead of allowing themselves to feel what the card is actually saying, which again goes back to them not peeling back the layers, and having deeper meaning revealed to them. “Those who have eyes, let them see.” Most notably from the bible but it has been said in many ways in different Ancient Mystery Schools.

In other words,those who haven’t surrendered the ego to Divine will not see the deeper mysteries of Tarot or of Spirit.  The Tarot wisdom, as well as the Mysteries in general, is layered like an onion. Those who can not recognize this onion- like quality about the Tarot can not peel back layers of meaning, and reveal more truth underneath. They can not because they operate from their lower self or ego, and this is where their vibrations are concentrated.

Having the same old interpretation time, and time again reveals nothing new to the seeker, querent or even to the Self that is reading. It may be that it is a message the reader needs to hear again, and again because they haven’t quite integrated, absorbed, and put to practical use the message the first several times around, like having the same dream, night after night. They refuse to peel the layers of that mysterious onion back, or perhaps they don’t know how, and see deeper meanings there available to them. For these readers, despite, and because of their mastery of fixed interpretations of the tarot, their intuitive process with Tarot is highly limited.

Or maybe they just don’t like onions.

What it comes down is first understanding is that we all are standing at the edge of an ocean of limitless possibility therefore allowing us an infinite amount of choice in what we think, say and do. Secondly, understanding that with an infinite amount of choice comes equally an infinite amount of consequence, responsibility, and outcome. We can change our minds, and make different choices, hence a different outcome, at any time.

A skilled tarot reader can help predict the outcome of the particular pattern you have set course for your life based on the choices you are making at that time. A highly skilled, and intuitive reader is able look beyond the surface of the images, go far past the assigned definitions of the card, and gently peel back the onion-like layers mystery revealing deeper wisdom that can help you make the best possible choices in the right here and now that create a better outcome for your life.

In the end, remember, you have the power of choice, of unlimited choice no matter what you discover along the way. Ultimately, always follow the wisdom of your heart, not the interpretation of the reader, or the cards. Your heart only knows truth because it isn’t boggled down by intellect, nor does it filter the truth because what’s in the heart is true because the heart is truth. And that’s all you really want to know, isn’t it?





I invite you to comment below and tell me what you think?




Old Dream, New Life

In an email I wrote to my Beloved last week, I shared with him about a dream that I had a few years ago. Somehow I was reminded by this dream while talking about the typhoon that hit the Philippines.

Email Cliff Notes

 I shared my feelings and thoughts about how it is that we never know why Mama Gaia decides what She decides and when she’ll do it. We only know that She has been here long before us and that it She who’ll remain long after we cease to exist as a race of people at all.

She is the Creator, creating and sustaining all life. She is also the Destroyer, ripping away what She deems needs ripping away, without conscious and without mercy for her own purposes of self-sustaining and existing. It is this Destroyer aspect we fear the most as She is the Darkest of all Goddesses.  Life. Death. Two different extremes and manifestations of the One.

**As I’m writing, this song Creator Destroyer by the incomparable Wendy Rule comes to mind. I share the link below.

Yet, still, when tragic natural events happen like this, there is no philosophy, religion or spirituality that can soothe the hearts of thousands that have suffered and lost. We try to make sense of it because as humans we need answers and we need things to make sense.  But sometimes, more often than not, they just don’t.

We ask ourselves, “Why me?” or “Why did this happen to us?” It’s rare that we ever stop and ask ourselves “Why not me?” or “Why not us?”  I mean, after all what makes us so much more special than the next person, next country or people? Nothing. Not a “got damn thing”. If anything, I think tragedies like what recently happened in the Philippines only serves to remind us that we are not as separate as we like to believe we are. It’s things like this awesome typhoon that rip away the false illusions and ideas of separate and different. We are not separate and we are not so different at all.  The world was affected by this disaster, as natural as it was. And we are reminded again that life, all life, anywhere at anytime by any means does and will come to an end.

Life is a precious gift that our eternal spiritual selves have been blessed and granted with for a limited time. And of all creation, every living thing on this pulsating planet, it’s having been given this gift of the human experience that makes us special. It is in how we honor our lives, this precious gift that reveals how special we’ve discovered this sacred gift to be. And it is the extent of our discovery or “awakening” or becoming conscious of, if you will, of this gift that only seems to set us apart from others who’ve yet to discover this mystery.  But we are not separate. We are One.

In the course of sharing along those lines of thoughts and feelings with him in my email, I found myself (as I typically do) going into a place of silent depths of contemplation eventually I was caused to remember a dream that I had several years ago.  A dream of dying not yet to be. Not yet. It is that dream I share here with you now as I shared in that email unedited so please, bear with the typos.

Thank Goddess for “copy and paste!”

“…I had this dream once, a very long time ago that I died and after I died I ascended to a heavenly like place, a very beautiful place but I’m not sure that it was the center. It was more like a launching and landing-place for souls. Coming, going, waiting. I sat there with so many other souls on the side where new souls were arriving watching more souls come in and simultaneously even more souls, I don’t know, I guess “jump off”


And some souls moved beyond these great big golden doors. There was no test to get beyond the doors but the souls were talking among themselves about what great lives they had lived when they were here on Earth. Much like when one talks about the great time they had on vacation in Paris or Mexico describing all the wonderful and cool things one did or saw while they were there for that short time. These souls were talking about how they spent their lives and all the things they had done with their lives. Everyone had these amazing and awesome stories of things they did in epic proportions that when I sat there thinking back on my life I realized how much of my life I had wasted.


I had nothing like their stories to share. I hadn’t taken the opportunity to live my life fully, to embrace everything that I could experience. I noticed how every soul had luggage they brought with them. In them were stories and experiences they spoke of and shared. I looked down and saw my luggage. It was a few small pieces of “travel on luggage.” Nothing more than that. These other souls had so many pieces of luggage, huge gargantuan bags and totes that were overflowing with experience and all I had was a few small bags. I had lived long and died very old but my life–according to this dream had been empty. It was lonely. I continued watching souls jump out going to their new bodies in the form of babies. They were choosing their experiences with what parents they would have and the lives they would live although when they arrived here they would not remember where they had been. I saw others in their super incorporeal form nod to one another or bow slightly and move beyond the big, giant golden doors. There was what appeared to be like an angelic concierge who gently encouraged me to share my stories. It was the only requirement to pass through the golden doors. Each had to tell their stories to someone or to all but we had to be accountable for them. We had to own them share them and move on.

I remember this dream so vividly and yet it was several years ago that I had this dream. Maybe like even 5 years ago but I remember every detail as though I just dreamed it last night. As though it were still fresh. And this whole thing with the Philippines and thinking of how precious and fragile life is reminded me of this dream. Anyway, I didn’t want to unpack my luggage. I didn’t want to share my experience because I was ashamed that I was given a life not fully lived. I was ashamed of that I did not appreciate the gift of life that was mine for a short while. I was ashamed that to have been given something soo incredibly precious by the Divine and I didn’t show my gratitude by way of living fully. Instead I had looked at life with a heart of full of incredible fear and disdain and never allowed myself to take risks to live outside the box, so to speak. I kept myself safe from the outside world, from harm and in the process I denied life. But I didn’t realize that then until I was in that launching space, in that waiting room. I never did go beyond the golden doors either. I instead looked back at life here on earth and I decided I wasn’t ready. I leaped off like all the other souls–the old ones who had rested beyond those golden doors and was ready for return, and new souls first time out–and returned to the world once more. I remember before I jumped off thinking, ‘I will come back with sooooo much luggage and I will have so many things to tell and share. I will not come back here empty-handed again!’ And I jumped.”


Thinking back I now wonder if this was really a dream or a memory of my soul.  Either way, I’m inspired to honor my precious life, this sacred and amazing gift I’ve been given and to collect as much luggage filled with amazing memories and experiences as I possibly can. The Divine essence of life, the energy that is constantly creating and destroying and re-birthing itself, and endlessly flowing forth in infinite space, that asks nothing of us nor expects nothing from us, (not even belief ) except only to live and live fully while we can.



A Touch of the Feminine

The feminine side of love, receptivity and longing, is neither valued nor understood. We are taught to struggle, not to surrender. — The Signs of God, pg 73

I’ve been working on a blog posting about the Divine Feminine and Masculine energy and their differences. It started out to be a simple posting about how to open ourselves up to the divine feminine energy and receive information vs the masculine energy and obtaining it. However, the more I wrote the more in-depth it became and has become a task that’s taking me a while to complete. Some days I’m totally engaged in my masculine energy, hovering over a keyboard pounding without mercy at the keys, pulling thoughts out of my mind and “pouring them” on the screen. Other times, I’m searching the internet and scouring every single site I can in an effort to obtain more information that supports my simple blog post that has turned into what seems like a great work.

Anyway, when I get involved in with what I’m writing about be in a blog post (which, shamefully, I’ve not been active in a while) or a teaching for our women’s circle, I seem to develop a relationship with the subject, integrating it into my consciousness and waking life.  I begin to experience and live it and in a very real way, this helps my understanding of it as well as helps me share and teach it better to those who might wish to learn.

So last evening, I decided to take a nap. I had adequate sleep the night before and there was no real reason I should have been suddenly tired, but whoa! I had the desperate need to lie down and sleep. Only I didn’t really sleep. Instead, as I lay dozing off, I went between states of consciousness; never fully awake and never quite sleeping. I was in a very receptive, open state of being.  The Feminine Way of being.  And in such a state, I began to receive.

To Write Or Not to Write

I’m laying in my bed, the fan is blowing and I think I’m going to sleep. I’m sinking into semi-conscious awareness and then a flood of images and “voices” come into my “vision”–like a dream but not a dream. Just waves of information coming through in forms of interesting sights, visions, and poetry. I heard a voice, not in an auditory way of course, but I could hear the voice crystal clear in this alpha state of awareness, in this dreamy, yet not dreaming place.

I heard the voice, my voice but as if it were in a pool of water, moving freely, clearly and another voice telling me “Grab a pen and write this down“. I didn’t want to write it down. I wanted to move past this phase which I wanted to believe was me just touching the edge of sleep.  But there was a knowing that I needed to grab the pen and use it. “Just do it!, Just write it down“.

lavenderskySo I reached over and grabbed the pen and notebook that was on my bed anyway and began to write what was flooding my “dreamy-yet-not-dreaming place of being”:

Who’s to say where we begin, where I start and you end

or is it

where you start and where I end?

Who’s to say

where one of us

meets the other

and where we begin

as we’ve gone

’round & ’round

many times

and back again

We’ve crossed the oceans wide

Climbed endless mountains high

Stepped into the horizon, that great divide

The place where earth kisses

a lavender sky.

Who’s to say where you end and I begin

or you begin and I end?

Not you,

not them,

Nor I


I began writing at the point of “oceans wide” but then I had to go back and write the rest that is the beginning. I was reluctant to write at all so I only picked up where the voice was in my mind when I started writing until I had “that knowing” to go back and write the rest while it was still fresh in my memory.

There was a second one. This one was so vivid, a bird in flight from the top of the highest mountains and the visual was nothing but of crystal blue sky and the shining sun. It was if I had the birds-eye vision and I was, in fact, the bird.

I wrote:

Birds, they fly

outstretched wings

embracing sky

piercing through

the crystal blue

dipping, gliding,

moving air,

like magic through the atmosphere

Faster, Faster…

No strings to pull, no puppeteer

No course to guide

No fall to fear


I didn’t write this here with the intent to write poetry but rather with the intent to write what was “coming through” as I hurriedly scribbled it down in my notebook. I didn’t filter there so I’m not filtering here, except that which I stated in the first “message”.Birdie


So is there a message here for me? For you? For anyone? Or is it just that my mind, free from the need to know anything at all, from searching, from asking was simply in a purely feminine state of being; empty and available and open to receive whatever inspirations, creativity or messages this might be?

Actually, don’t bother thinking about it at all. Don’t look at it expecting it to “make total sense” and try to obtain meaning from the verses in the traditional, logical masculine way. You won’t.

Yes, it was an experience of “being in the feminine” realm and understanding this was where I was and how it is different from the masculine. I was open and I was receptive, I was receiving. I was in the realm of the divine feminine and this is was an example of Her energy.  What came in words and out on the paper isn’t  logical and therefore isn’t meant to be understood or deep meaning found with the mind. So I didn’t try to “make sense” of it. That’s the Way of the Masculine. When I began to see with my heart, the gateway to the Feminine Way, I began to understand it all and it all makes perfect sense.


Listening is a wisdom so easily overlooked, because it is feminine, receptive, hidden, and our culture values only what is visible. —The Circle of Love, pg 20

How I Discovered My Soul-Power

The word Heal is defined as: make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment. bring to an end or conclusion, as conflicts between people or groups, usually with the strong implication of restoring former amity; settle; reconcile: They tried to heal the rift between them but were unsuccessful. free from evil; cleanse; purify: to heal the soul.

Lesson One: Breakthrough and Healing

Healing has been the journey of my soul in 2012 on many levels. The more I released, the more I healed and the more I learned about myself and about the mysteries of life.

I had prepared for it since Samhain 2011 when I called forth my Shadow Sister at the time of our annual Samhain Rites. Although I sought to consciously release many things and deal with issues that I’d been carrying around for years, I had no idea of the immense power of that which I was calling forth.

To prepare for the rites, we created masks to represent our shadows. The creation of the masks themselves were a ritual in and of themselves. We took our time with them, beginning weeks before the actual date of the rite. We got together at different times in the weeks leading up to the big day.

To really own these masks and what they represented for us individually, we decided no store bought mask would do. We wanted them to fit our face as our shadow is an individual as we are. We used Plaster of Paris wraps and Vaseline against our skin. Over the course of this month, we had several discussion about the so-called darker aspects of ourselves, how to recognize them, what they were and how we would represent them on our masks. This really helped with getting in-touch to those parts of self and enabled us to move on to the next part.

The Letters.

We wrote letters to our Shadows. Each one of us wrote our own letters to be read at the time of ritual, around a sacred circle and fire. And in the company of one another, we called them forth and acknowledged them. We asked that the shadows become our allies and dark teachers that would not break chains that bound us but rather that they be transformed into the knowledge that would empower us along our path. We then took our own mask from the sacred altar and wore it in circle until each had finished.

It was immensely powerful.

For me personally, it’s clear that there was so much more lurking beneath the surface than I ever imagined. And all of that just kept coming up, process after process into finally erupting into the big major emotional tsunami I had this past February.

I can’t articulate properly how I feel about all of the events that led up to that point. It’s indescribable really. The comments I have received on that particular post, (“My Suicide Circus”) and in my personal email of love and support have amazed me too and even reminded me what a seriously bad-ass warrior I really am.

It’s true, I did descend into my own darkness, into my own hell and face the shadows that held my soul captive. I faced those things –and they were some of the most difficult things I’ve ever faced–alone. Alone is the only way to face ones shadows.

After I shared that part of my journey to healing, to freedom, I believe it went over some people’s head. As I stated in that post, some would say they have been where I was, that they have walked in my shoes but the truth is, while our journeys are similar, each journey is indeed very individual.

Our journeys belong to only us and us alone.

 It was interesting the advice I received as if my posting was a request for help or a signal that I was breaking down and needed some kind of emotional rescue. No, that was the furthest thing from the case.

I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was feeling everything that I was supposed to feel. Was it utter hell?

Fuck yeah it was.

But was it necessary? Yes it was. I needed to see all the power I never recognized I had and that I let be taken away from me as a young woman, mother and wife. I needed to acknowledge that there was no one else to blame and own it so that I could move on.

I received emails and messages from women who totally got what I was saying and then I received messages from women who clearly didn’t have a clue. I even received messages from women who tried to encourage me to ‘hang on’ and remind me that I was a good and strong and yadda, yadda, yadda…

Big Deep Sigh

I wondered whose post they read that they felt I needed their encouraging words and reminders that I was in fact worthy and don’t-be-so-hard-on-myself kind of thing because clearly, it wasn’t mine they read. Looking back I suppose they really did have the best of intentions.

That first week and the days in between I experienced one hell of an awakening on so many levels. Since then so much has been purged, released and the universe as it is, is not a vacuum and has been replacing what I released with such astonishing wisdom I can’t even begin to explain here lest I sound ‘crazy’ to the unprepared mind.

I’ve had mystical experiences one after the other, traversing the boundaries of multi-verse realities. Those who walk a mystical path will surely know what I mean. Those who do not will be those will be the ones who think me crazy. Interesting isn’t it? That when we don’t understand something or someone, it’s the other person’s fault. They’re the ones crazy, weird or strange–not that we just lack the understanding.

Having said that doesn’t mean I know something others don’t. What it means is that I understand things that others may not yet until their own consciousness expand and are able to have another layer of the mystery peeled back and revealed to them. So explanation is pointless.

It’s been said secrets can be told, but mysteries MUST be experienced. This is one of those mysteries. I know that the universe has shown me what I needed to know in my life to this point and I’m good with that.

Because of that breakthrough that I experienced, those dead dreams have been set free to manifest into something completely different. Some of those dreams remained and have been given new life again. It’s such a nice and wonderful feeling to understand that nothing truly dies, nothing is wasted like I once thought.

The journey never ends. It only changes direction.

And also because of that experience and everything that led up to that experience and after, my entire life focus has changed completely.

I now have direction where I really actually had none. I now know what it is I wanted to do with the rest of my life where before I was scared and wondered what could I do.

Now I ask myself, what can’t I do?!

I can do anything I want to. Nothing is impossible here; if it follows the laws of nature then there is nothing, and I mean nothing I can’t do.

Lesson Two: Self Limiting Beliefs & Magical Awareness

I joked with a friend the other day that if I wanted to meet a very famous, super sexy celebrity and hook up, I could do that too. One acquaintance decided that I might be far-reaching, perhaps even a little delusional.

What she was really saying is that she would never dream of the possibility of something like that happening for her so therefore no one else should dream of something like that either. Thankfully, I’m smart enough to understand that her comment meant to discourage me from my view point is really her issue entirely, not mine. And it certainly never discouraged me!

Having said all that, the purpose of using  a famous celebrity for an example  is really quite simple:

We are always denying our own dreams. We tell our children “Reach for the Stars” but then we give them a limit to which they can reach. We say, “You can do anything you put your minds to do” and at the same time we tell them, “Except that”. We continuously do the same thing to ourselves. We do it so much we don’t even know that we are doing it.

At that moment we kill the spark of fire that motivates us, that empowers us and totally feeds our desire to chase, follow and manifest and capture that dream.

So why again the celebrity example?

Simple. Because it’s the easiest thing to relate to at the moment for me in my life having three teenage girls who are crushing hard on their favorite Japanese Rock stars and who say the things that many of us have said when we’ve had our own celebrity crushes back-in-the-day, or even now– “He’s mine. I’m gonna marry him one day.”magic_is_real_poster-r378ae6a0c6db45518fbd4fd405fbb387_wjc_400

Yes, we laugh, we shake our head as if we know some sort of secret that they don’t. Often we even tell them, “OK, kid, dream on. You and ten million other young ladies” thinking we are doing them a favor by keeping them ‘grounded’ in this so-called reality. We never stop to think about how what we are really doing is telling them that dreams aren’t possible to achieve, we only say they are but we don’t really meant it.

Sure, the chances are it is a child-teen crush and that is a healthy and normal part of development but telling them it can’t really happen is in a very real way encouraging them not to believe in the power of their dreams later in life.

Laws of Nature

Celebrities are real people. They live here on earth. Sure they are in the movies, rock stars etc..and live in different places sometimes but the fact is, they are here in this world. And it is my thinking that if they are here in this world, then the possibility of a young girls dream of meeting one, falling in love and marrying them is real too.

We are talking about the fact that the possibility exists. This is the key word here.

The possibility of our beloved daughters meeting their dream crushes exists.There is nothing to stop it. Only the beliefs and attitudes that tell us we can’t are what stop us.

“If you can dream it, you can achieve it”– Walt Disney

I’m sure people thought Walt was crazy. But look what he achieved. Or Steve Jobs even.

So I ask myself , Why Not Me? Do you ask yourself, Why Not You?

I was watching my daughters goo-goo and gaah over their young, sexy J-Rockers and how much fun they (the rockers) were having in their private fan videos and a thought occurred to me,

Look how much fun they are having living their dream. Why do we not all live our dreams? Why do we not all, as Joseph Campbell said, ‘Follow our bliss’?

Again, that’s simple to answer too. It’s because we tell ourselves we can not. We make up excuses and accept the lies that society, that culture, and even our parents tell us because their parents told them the same and so forth down the line all believing this multi-generational lie.

Yet at the same time, all around us are people, books, television, magazines and gurus telling us, Go ahead! Co-create with the Universe! Live the Life you’ve always wanted!” Many people pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars going to self-help workshops, conferences and speaking events; taking classes, courses and anything else they hope might give them an edge in life and yet, they get a little further than no where.  We are constantly encouraged to be all we can be and that we can do it while simultaneously being told over and over again that we can not.  And although we’ll keep spending money taking classes, buying the latest self-help/spiritual book, or going to yet another empowerment workshop, it’s often the latter that we believe.

I’m tired of that. 

I see it for what it is. The mind is reality plain and simple. The universe is one big ginormous energy playground of endless potential available to all of us to jump in and start creating what we want.

If it follows the natural laws of the Universe then the possibility of whatever we want to exist. It can happen.

Will it happen is another story all together. Obviously its more than just saying and believing whatever you desire and dream is simply just going to happen. It’s not enough to dream them or dream big. We must put action behind them to bring them to life. But even before we can do that , we must first accept that whatever we can dream up, big or small, no matter how impossible it might seem CAN happen!! Once we do that, then we can take action and when we begin to take action we then move from a place of dreaming to bringing into our present reality.

Magic is as real as the air we breathe. Even if you don’t believe doesn’t stop magic from being real. Not believing only hinders you from achieving your dreams and receiving miracles. That’s not to say you’ll never achieve your goals or dreams or receive a miracle if you don’t believe. You’ll just have to work a little harder than the rest of us.

Love is Beautiful, Love is Truth,


Meditation At Dawn

I am awake. It is just before sunrise. The house is still sleeping. All except me. I embrace the silence and try to recall my dreams but I am having no luck. I grab my journal and I begin to write.


I begin to draw tiny circles on the top of circles until I have drawn a cluster of them. I ponder this cluster of circles I have created and it dawns on me that I have drawn the a symbol of life. Circle on top of circle connected to another, circle within a circle, within another circle forming one big circle. Yes. Layer upon layer of seemingly individual circles but in reality, they are different expressions of one energy.

I contemplate this. I breathe this truth into my being and embrace it. After this wisdom permeates my understanding I allow my thoughts to drift again to the sleeping house. All is quiet except for the soft hum of the heater from the refrigerator and the ticking of the clock.

I feel quite open and odd at the same time now. I am still. I recognize the stillness and allow myself to just go deeper into it. I close my eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Within a few seconds the impression of fire fills my sight and the sensation of water surrounds me.

I do not think in this place of stillness and silence. In this place, one doesn’t think, only listens.

As I listen for a the sound of perhaps a voice, I am instantly filled with knowing. No voice speaks words I can hear and understand but instead they are words being written on my heart by the hand of God. I am moved to soft, quiet weeping.

Embracing this moment and allowing myself to wade in this pool of eternal love with a heart that has been once again touched by God and filled with immense gratitude.

I am being called out of my dream to come to this place, my Inner Temple. I realize that deep, within this tranquil place exists many hallways and many doors that open to many rooms. I am filled with wonder and yet I know I need to center.

I am going deeper to the center of my temple, the place where water flows freely and sparkles like diamonds; where no words are spoken but only a deep knowing shared. There are no candles to be lit and light to be let in. When the water flows, its diamond like quality reflects the light of knowledge and wisdom gained here, one sparkle at a time. The more I acknowledge, the more I am grateful and open to this splendor, the more I receive and my Inner Temple is illuminated.

My Inner Temple is quite plain and simple. There are no lavish flowers placed anywhere or candles burning everywhere for all these things are unnecessary when you are in the presence of Divine Light and Wisdom.

This place is the place where secrets are revealed and mysteries unfold. This is my sacred and holy place where I do not have questions but receive only answers to perhaps even questions yet not asked.


It is time to leave this beautiful place and return to the mundane. A few deep breaths and here I am, in the awareness of the Sleeping Goddess House, the humming refrigerator and the ticking clock.

I am being once again filled with an incredible knowing of why I am called out of this dreamlike meditation state and sleeping mind.

She calls me.

It is a voice so familiar, one with no sound, no words only a vibrational knowing so deep and powerful in permeates all of my being; the physical, the emotional, the mental and my spiritual self is bathed in this Divine Light of knowing.

I am tearing up once more. She has always been with me, protecting me, loving me and comforting me. It’s Her name I cry out when I’m frightened. It is Her name that comforts me.

My heart is filled with words in praise of Her:


Glorious and Most Radiant Goddess,

Queen of My Soul

Lady of the Heavens

Mother of the Gods, Earth and Men

Mistress of Magick

You are the light that illuminates my being

Let my heart rejoice

and speak your many names!

Let my breath

be a song in Your honor

and my life be a dance

to your Glory.

Radiant and luminescent Lady,

I am humble before You

and blessed by Your golden touch

in my life and upon my soul

May my heart always be open

to Your Love

My mind

to Your Wisdom

My body open

to Your healing

And my spirit

filled with Your beauty

and light

so that I might act as

Your priestess

and be a vessel

pouring Your love

into the world.

I adore You,

I adore You,

I adore You

Lady Isis-Aset,

I adore You

Queen of my soul.

Tears softly flow down my face and I taste their salt. I feel my breath, warm and light and my heart beating to the steady calm rhythm of Divine Love and Gratitude.

I am fully aware and taking in the knowledge and basking in the wisdom that I am exactly as I am meant to be in this moment. In this moment, I am perfection.

The Making of a Monarch

A Private Journal Entry from my handwritten personal journal dated November 2011:

Dream-state. Cocoon. Gestation. Cave-like. Hibernation. Womb.

*This is where I am

Change. Transformation. Metamorphosis. Transfiguration.

*This is what is happening.

Renewal. Evolution. Emergence. Awakening.

*This is what awaits me

Regent. Queen. Empress. Monarch. Ruler of her world and Shape-Shifter of her Own Destiny.

*This is what I’ll become.


March 21st 2012

This regal Monarch and Goddess-Queen has emerged from my cocoon.  Fully supported and fueled by my dreams I am spreading my wings and taking flight.

Catch me if you can.



My Suicide Circus

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Life is a Mystery.

If there was ever truth about anything regarding living life, this would be it.

We must LIVE it to understand it. We are stepping into an unknown future every minute of the day no matter what we are doing.

We have NO IDEA what is going to happen from one minute to the next so quite literally, no matter how bright the sun does shine, we are stepping into the darkness of the unknown every second we breathe.

Nothing is promised.

This doesn’t mean, of course, we shouldn’t craft our plans for the future and the visions we hold.

We can direct them, guide them and give them shape and structure. We just can’t control what they will become.

Even the greatest Captain of all time, (Jack Sparrow. Oh wait, he’s the hottest Captain!) with all his years of experience and training can’t control the Goddess of the Sea.

Sometimes shit happens. We just have to deal with it when it does. This is the toughest lesson of my life that I’m faced with now.

Emotional Tsunami

This weekend blew BIG TIME.

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I thought I seriously might be having a nervous breakdown of sorts.

Of course, there was nothing nervous about what I was feeling and going through.

I’m not speaking figuratively either. I thought this weekend I would for sure end up in the psych ward at the hospital down the street.

The emotional levels of release were that intense, that strong, and that incredible.

Fortunately, it didn’t happen though. Not yet. Oh, I’m still riding the waves of Oya’s wild storm, but I do see land up head. Now all I’ve got to do is keep myself from drowning as I go under the next series of waves. The waves are coming, there’s no escaping that, but thank Goddess I know how to swim. Though I am being tested to see just how good I can swim.

I’m really fucking good. I will make it.

I have proved that when I didn’t drown this weekend when the big Tsunami of emotional bull hit my shores. But another one is coming.

I feel it.

This storm was coming for a long time within myself. I shouldn’t have been shocked that it happened and yet it literally took me by surprise.

I called it forth a while ago. I realize now as I write this today that I didn’t have any clue the depth of my own pain, my own fears and issues of which I was working in my own soul at Samhain when I chose to dance in step with my Shadow Sister. Ha! I honestly thought that I worked through a lot of my pain and my issues.

LIES I let myself believe that to feel better about not dealing with shit. I didn’t want to deal with it because of the intensity of the pain and power it would bring on.

The Gifts of Ignore

When my mom died in 1994, I held on to that pain for 13 years before finally letting her go. I literally didn’t acknowledge her death, didn’t break down at her funeral and pretended she was on a long extended trip. I couldn’t deal with the acceptance of her being dead. Some people develop multiple personality disorder to deal with the most excruciatingly painful things in their lives. I just developed one hell of an IGNORE button.

So I hit it all the time. In fact, I think I might have janny-jammed it so it would stay stuck. This is the real secret to my survival.

Not me as this warrior Amazon that many people like to see me as.

The truth is that I couldn’t take the pain. I couldn’t allow myself to feel the depths of that kind of loss in my life. Instead, I hit the IGNORE button, got pregnant for the third time and had a baby near the first anniversary of my mom’s death. Four months later, I married the father of the two younger children of the three against my grandmothers warning that he would bring me nothing but unhappiness.

Hit that IGNORE button once again.

I found out I was pregnant once again March 21st, 9 days before my wedding.

Hit that IGNORE button yet again.

On our wedding day, March 30th, 1996 my grandmother did not show up for the wedding, which was incredible.

She had died that morning. I didn’t know until later that night.

One year before that my mom died. Then the woman who raised me, my grandmother died a year later, shortly after my giving birth to my third daughter. And she died on my wedding day.

My marriage was doomed.

What did I do? I hit that IGNORE button again.

I hit that IGNORE button again.

Life was horrible. There was no one I could turn to. I felt trapped. There was nothing I could do except use that ignore button.


So here I was,  27 years old with four children married to an abusive monster. My mom was gone, my grandmother was gone. I had no family where I could go and take my girls. No family who would help me so what did I do?

Yes, you guessed it. I hit that IGNORE button again. And five months after having daughter number four, I was pregnant with daughter number five.

And five months after having daughter number four, I was pregnant with daughter number five.

That’s what IGNORE gets you. Children. Ignore the fact that you’re totally in a sick abusive relationship where you have given over all your power to your husband and let him tell you that you could not use birth-control. Ignore the fact that you hated yourself even more than you hated him. Ignore that fact that your whole life is one big miserable nightmare.

Ignore it all just to get through it.

But I survived. We all survived. I gave birth to baby number five and long story short, in the end, I kicked his ass out, divorced him and moved on.

I found myself again. Or at least I found freedom from being in that abusive marriage.

The truth is I got so good at hitting the IGNORE button that all of my dreams, goals, and desires that I had ever had I hit IGNORE on them too.

They have come back to confront me. To ask me why I let them die. Why did I kill them?

Why did I?

Because I was afraid. Because I felt unworthy.

Because I felt unworthy.


As memory worked its way to the surface, I felt like I was living in my own *Suicide Circus. Every moment I had for quiet contemplation kept taking me to the same grounds; the place of dreams never fulfilled. Images of all the faces of my dreams that I’d ever had were filling up my days, my thoughts and pouring right out of the deepest parts of my soul.

Some really fucked-up, merry-go-round and ’round kind of scene. My very own Suicide Circus where I couldn’t look away no matter how hard I tried. I could shut my eyes and it would still be there; when I opened them everything around me seemed altered in some way. I felt at times like I had to fight to cling to the present reality.

The girls were kinda freaked out. They didn’t know how or what they should do to comfort me. I tried to tell them it’ll be alright, that I’d be fine and I apologized over and over to them for having to witness this.

It was weak. I couldn’t let them see me this way.

They have, for the most part, only know what most people see or perceive me to be and that is this strong, fierce warrior of a woman who has battled the worst of all ugly red-eyed demons and walked through fire without getting so much as a heat rash.

It’s true. Most people will describe me as “One of the strongest women” they’ve met or known. You think I’d take that as a compliment and be honored. But I know a secret they do not.

 I’m a magician too. An artist of great illusion. What they don’t see won’t hurt them, even if it hurts me.

But if the world could have seen me this weekend, it would have seen what lies behind the curtain. The soft, mushy, not held together Cancerian inside that I try so hard to protect.

My hard Cancerian exterior seemed to have literally cracked. My soft center of my being was exposed and it was oozing out from every part of myself and bringing with it every memory of an experience that I’d hit IGNORE on. It was in my face there was no IGNORE this time.

That button is broken, I’m sure, but truthfully, I didn’t even try to use it. But I’m sure it’s broken. Yes, it’s broken.

I reached out and called one person. She picked up the phone in the middle of the night and heard me at one of my weakest moments.

Sobbing and word vomit. All at once. She listened. She let me speak. As I shared parts of my living nightmare, she kept me grounded. She kept it real for me.

She gave me permission to not be strong for the moment.

And I wasn’t.

After I got off the phone, I let it go. It was OK. I had permission. I knew it was coming and I had to let it happen.

It was so intense. I doubt there is any drug on earth could have made me feel this “out of it” and still be in total awareness like I was.

Everywhere around me were the painful memories of what was never realized and the young woman who stood holding those memories–a younger, tearful me. From 18 to today visions of me in all kinds of costumes of everything I ever dreamed about, wanted to be and could have been walking around in a zombie like states; dead but undead.

I sobbed and sobbed as I felt my chest open up literally knowing that more shit was coming up and there was nothing that I could do about it. Waves and waves of emotion came crashing through my world. My fire was gone, my enthusiasm for anything wiped out.

Nothing could stop this tsunami from happening. Nothing. The underwater earthquake and internal waves of emotional had been happening for a while.

What I thought was my rational mind was speaking and what I could grasp at the time was it telling me, “Aura, you are losing your mind. You are having a nervous breakdown. It was only a matter of time before you end up like your mother.”

Panic stricken, but only for a moment.

But a deeper knowing came over me, there were no words to this knowledge but I realize that this was one of my fears from the deepest regions of my soul coming to the surface.

Along with so many other fears that presented themselves to me. But it was the dead dreams that haunted me the most. They still haunt me.

I tried to run-away in my own mind and I tried to make myself busy with other things but it was like being paralyzed. It was as if the dead dreams were saying, “We’re here and you will acknowledge us. You will tell us why you killed us, why you never gave us a chance to manifest.”

Who could I blame? Who could I point fingers at?

Certainly it couldn’t be ME. But there wasn’t anyone else. Inside this House of Mirrors the only reflection I could see was my own.

I couldn’t get out. I tried to run out but couldn’t find the exit, ergo, someone to blame but there was nothing there but my own reflection staring back at me.


I have no words to describe that pain of that truth. I realize now why most people never accept responsibility and make excuse after excuse for why their life isn’t the way they had envisioned it.

Oh sure, intellectually they will acknowledge certain choices they made might not have been the best but…and there is always the but, there is always other factors to come into play, according to them.

I know I’m not the only person in the world to experience this but I am also aware that not many people  I know can truly relate to what I’m experiencing either. They may want to or even think they do so they can have something to relate to me about.

But the truth is, they haven’t got a clue. But it won’t stop them from telling me, “I know just how you feel.”

Really? Do you? That’s funny because I don’t even know how the hell I feel but you do?


What I know is that is that this weekend caused me to face so many truths all at once on how I became my own dream killer.

I spent a lifetime it seems blaming my having a baby at 18; my mom dying when I was 24; marrying a monster and other countless things on why I didn’t live out my dreams. Why I couldn’t do what I set out to do.

Why I killed my own dreams. Why I slaughtered them before they had a chance to be birthed into the world.

Dream Abortion.

It isn’t right.

Yet, it still comes down to our own choices. Which will it be? Door number one, two or three? And I chose.

I hit IGNORE. That was my choice. Over and over and over again.

At the realization of this, I swear I could feel my heart breaking. I begged for the pain to stop but there was no relief in sight.

I sobbed so uncontrollably I don’t know how I continued to make tears. I didn’t know it was humanly possible to cry so much and so hard but the more I cried the more it came. The more it washed over me in waves where I choked on my own saliva and tears.

I thought I might drown. I was losing it.

I didn’t.

The Aftermath

I am confronting my self-aborted dreams, the ones I killed by my own choices and I’m dealing with the result of my own unhappiness because of it. I realize that I’m not as fearless as I thought I liked to believe I was.

That was a truth in itself to comes to terms with. I’m just as scared and as afraid as the next person. But acknowledging this seems to empower me. It gives me the strength I only believed I had before but now hold in my heart to move beyond the fear that I let hold me down. Being honest and open about it is the key for me.  Not putting on airs like every single person I know who either hide behind their masks where it’s safe, or claim labels calling themselves warriors or Amazons which is really just something they wish they could be.

It’s a whole lot easier than dealing with the “reality” of it all.

But in dealing with the reality, as painful as it is, I am finding my freedom.

It’s a difficult and heavy process. A process that brings me one step forward and two steps back. Then forward again. But forward I go.

I know that I won’t have to pretend to be, convince or force myself to be happy. I am breaking these chains that I have let keep me a prisoner of myself so that I can really be happy.

I don’t have to fear that it’s  too late for me to do anything with my life and live out any dreams I have.

I have been living in fear.

Where was the IGNORE button for that? I don’t know.

I am understanding that it’s not too late for me to do anything and everything I want and live out my dreams.

Dreams are meant to be chased after, followed and manifested. Dreaming them is not enough. Waiting for them simply to happen gets you nowhere and time you can’t rewind it, put it on pause; it just passes you by. Until one day we wake up and wonder where our lives went.

I am still riding waves of emotion and walking around my own Suicide Circus but I’m making peace with everything. It’ll be a while I’m sure but I know now (and I don’t mean simply just intellectually) that what I choose to do or not today will shape the next twenty years of my life.

Things will be changing around here. A lot. It will be hard but I will be saying “Goodbye” to many things and even friends as I begin living my life for me.

I am meant to be happy. I believe that now. I know that now. And that’s all that matters.

*Suicide Circus, is a song by the popular J-Rock band, The GazettE. It was the background theme music playing to my break through. Certain lyrics hit me plainly and hard, “no body can rewind time, don’t look away. Suicide Circus.”

“…no body can rewind time, don’t look away. Suicide Circus.”