More Love Is More Power




Seriously, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. People have such issues with the word power it’s almost taboo to say, “I am a powerful being.” I suppose it’s all a matter of perception, and how the word power makes you feel because of that perception. I’ve never been afraid of that word or intimidated by it to soften it up by having to say, “I am an empowered woman.” No, I like to say that:

“I am a powerful woman.”
” I have the power to create the life I want to live.”
” I have the power to bring my deepest, most passionate desires into being in the here and now.”images


It’s true, at this point in my life, I am stepping into my power, and I feel it flowing through me. What a delicious feeling it is to be standing in this place of power that is mine, and to feel it pulsating through me, and knowing that I hold this power to do and achieve anything I desire with all my heart. I am coming into realizing how powerful I really am, and how much more I can be.


Power is nothing but unrealized potential and raw energy and remains so until you tap into it. Then it becomes active, and used properly can help you achieve whatever your heart desires. It’s such a simple concept, too simple I think, and remains hidden in a cloak of simplicity from those not ready to step into their place of power, and receive it.


I remember at one point I didn’t have much of it, and what I did have I gave away to other people. I was too young, too naive, and scared to stand up in my power, speak my truth. In fact, I didn’t have a truth to speak because I felt I had no place, therefore was I was ignorantly powerless.

Even when I was having my first daughter at the tender age of 18, I was told by her father’s mother to name my baby Jessica. I hated that name as for as far back as I could remember. Jessica. I thought what an ugly name! I hated it. But her father’s mother, a pretty powerful woman in her own right, used her power over me because of course, I let her. I let her because I didn’t recognize I had power of my own and thus, I caved and named my first-born Jessica.


She thought she was in control to the point of even when I went into the nursery to see my baby girl for one of first times I could get out of bed on my own, she tried to prevent me from being near her. Jessica was in one of those incubators where you could put your hands inside to touch her. As I reached in to touch my daughter that I’d given birth too just hours earlier, her grandmother stood over me and in front of all of my friends who were also there to see me and my new-born baby girl, swatted my hand away, telling me to “Leave her alone, let her sleep!”


That’s when what little power in the guise of a “fuck you” out of embarrassment and rebellion inside of me took over and told her to “Back off, I’ll touch MY baby if I want to”. Her interference with my oldest daughter from literally before she was even out of the womb has had a major impact on the relationship between Jessica and I. Over the years I felt powerless to do too much of anything but rebel in a negative fashion which wasn’t healthy for neither my daughter or myself.

But as they say, “That was then, this is now”.

Things are much different. I know what I think I am even though I’m so much more than my mind can fathom. I know that within me, within my Soul is the essence of the Divine Spirit, and that is pure power. For me, that power is Love, the most powerful of all. The Only Power.

Therefore all things that come from it are good.

When I think of power, I think of that Force that once tapped into allows me to stand in it, filling with me with the awareness that I am truly the one who is making my own choices, whether it’s to be miserable, sad, and poverty minded therefore being all those things. Knowing that I have, unconsciously, made those previous choices many times over that left me unhappy, unhealthy, miserable and financially poor.Power


I now make the conscious and deliberate choice to be happy, to be filled with a sense of joy, and ecstasy, to be of a pure blissful mind with the realization is that what is, has already been created–I am no “co-creator” as I’ve created nothing. Rather, I choose to align myself with that specific vibration, to be in a place to receive health, happiness, joy, and experience the bliss of great financial abundance–that is my right. That is the power of my choice, that is my gift, my gift of choice. My awareness of that fact is power.

From that Power that is Love, all things that come from it are good.



This song I’ve posted with lyrics, “More Love, More Power” by Jeff Deyo is a song that really gets to the heart of me. At its heart, it is a Christian song. Although I do not identify as a Christian, I honor, and respect the teachings of Jesus and everything he symbolizes as much as Buddha, Goddess and any other mystic holy teacher. This song speaks so directly into my Soul, of who I am and what I want and need in my life.

More Love, More Power. 

Many times I listen to this song I am filled with such overwhelming emotion I cry. I just let the tears flow out. I don’t just hear music but I feel the intensity of it. I don’t just hear the words, I absorb them, take them into myself like a sponge because these are the affirmations of my world at any given moment. He writes, “More Love, More Power, More of You In My Life”

For Jeff Deyo, that is Jesus. Jesus is Love, Jesus is the Power. For me, it’s Love, it’s Power they are one in the same and everything good and right. This is my Soul’s affirmations in song. I hope you enjoy it as well.


Self-Discovery: Layers of Truth

One of the many goals of spirituality is self-discovery. It is not necessarily about believing or disbelieving in the existence of what most of us refer to as “God” of Christian origin or any other Gods. It’s not so much about learning new ideas but rather re-membering the wisdoms we have long forgotten.

These wisdoms are ubiquitous and expressed in every day language cleverly disguised in song and poetry; in wise sayings, proverbs and axioms that all point to this knowledge. It permeates the fabric of our culture. As common as this wisdom is to the majority these wisdoms are nothing more than a few well strung together sentences that make for a little intellectual stimulation and little else. Their deep, powerful and life changing meaning remain hidden to most people right in plain sight!  Apart from the cerebral massage with the occasional ah-ha moment and pause for reflection, these ancient esoteric wisdoms elude most human minds. However, these wisdoms are not lost in any way but remain exactly where they mean to be; hidden except from those who have eyes and ears to see and hear and follow beyond the temporary “ah-ha” moment.

Those who can see and hear what others cannot are those to whom the next layer of the onion like mystery unfolds. In the beginning, one only experiences the outer layer of mystery. As their consciousness begins to open and expand, layer on layers of mystery, like an onion, peel back revealing an ever unfolding mystery. This leaves one to find deeper truth and meaning in each.


First however, we must be willing to surrender to the higher Self. This means to accept that we don’t know everything .Then we begin to re-member what we have forgotten.

All this new-old wisdom revealing its deeper hidden secrets to us is utterly astounding. On our journey we find ah-ha moment after another as our consciousness continues to expand in awareness. We find that truths we are discovering are difficult and sometimes, outright frightening. As the wisdoms show themselves to each person, it is understood they are not mere cerebral massages good for intellectual and philosophical discussions but rather opportunities that challenge us to put into action these life altering wisdoms. The teachings are now understood to the keys to generate extraordinary changes in all aspects of ones life. There is no turning back.

The wool is no longer over your eyes; the veil has been lifted and the curtain pulled. An even deeper truth is realized; what was once thought was real is realized to be illusion and what was thought of as illusion is actually very real!


We begin to vanquish all earlier ideas about appearances, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the rich, the poor and surrender to truth of Oneness. We realize that there is no man behind the curtain in Oz. There is only us. We are the man behind the curtain controlling everything.


We understand that we aren’t in Kansas anymore.


Now that I have addressed the nature of the mysteries a bit, (and I could go on) this post isn’t a wisdom teaching. It’s true, it is coded and there are many great points to think about and investigate further. I’ve left plenty of crumbs to follow that might lead you down a rabbit hole as well but the fact is, I am laying down a bit of ground work before I launch into what I really want to write about, which is me.

Samhain 2011 was the most powerful and intense thus far on my spiritual journey. I was challenged to realize that I was vibrating from my lower (ego) self. This truth was such a difficult thing for me to begin to accept that I wasn’t sure I would be able to make the journey to transcend the ego. At first, I fought it feverishly; I resisted and sidestepped along the way because I (ego) didn’t want to accept this because in doing so meant giving up control.

I felt that if I embraced this truth about myself, then I would have to deal with it and all the emotions and everything that comes along with it and the fact of the matter is I was afraid. I was terror stricken. I felt if I let go then I would literally fall apart. Like The Fool card in Tarot, I had no idea what lie before me, I had no idea where I was going to end up if I chose to proceed and if I did, I was going to have take a leap of faith.

So I did, right off a cliff. And I survived.

. Fool


In fact, I find that I’m vibrating at a higher energetic level than I once was and my natural intuitive ability has only increased ten-fold. I realize that it is because my higher Self is freer to communicate with my mind because I’ve gained control over my lower body and ego. Sometimes though, I feel I’m receiving almost more than I can process at one time and I am about to go into in to a circuit over-load. Fortunately, I’m able to push through the panic and communicate my insights easily.

This hasn’t been an easy walk in the park. I’ve had to wrestle with so many emotions, thoughts and come face-to-face with enormous truths that I thought I would just die from feeling so much at one time.  There is nothing more terrifying than coming into the awareness that the creative, all Seeing Eye of the universe sees, hears and answers all of your desires, your thoughts and responds to your actions.  The realization that all that manifested in your life is a direct result of your own deep desires or fears which are sometimes so clouded they are one in the same. You are forced to face that which may be an ugly truth; that there is nothing and no one to blame for your current life situation but you.

Yes, I know how difficult of a lesson this is! Most people I know can’t deal with or accept that. They still need an out. But this is because this is nothing more than a trapping of their ego which serves only to block them from discovering their highest self. Those who truly understand this wisdom understand that there is no one else but us. We have the power. We’ve had the power all along. We have the power to create the changes that led us here in our current life circumstances therefore we have the power to change our life in whatever way we choose.

This is Truth- Believe or Don’t. The choice is and has always been your own.


The difference in me today than all those years ago when I was steadily making choices and creating, shaping and molding my today was that now I’m aware of the amazing power I have. Then I was not. Certainly, it is true there were and continues to be certain and particular circumstances and other people’s choices that played a part in affecting me in some way or another that I didn’t ask for but happened anyway. As we know, everyone has “free-will” and infringing upon mine was an act of their own. Today, I realize it was not so much how they infringed upon my freewill and took something from me, no matter how painful it might have been but it was and remains a matter of personal response and reaction. The question became, “How much of my power am I  willing to let them continue having over me and my feelings?”

After realizing that although the situations were long over and the people gone from my life and in a normal view perspective, I was over it,  the truth was I was not. I was still suffering, willingly–unconsciously but willingly all the same—by allowing these transgressions to still dictate my choices in how I live my own precious life! Again I questioned myself:

How much longer was I willing to let them and their actions to continue dictating and shaping the rest of my life?

However, once I was able to come to the shivering truth that I alone am responsible for all that has happened in my life, for all the choices I’ve made and the result thereof, whether the results be good, bad or somewhere in between. I’m responsible for it and that in and of itself is one of hell of a powerful realization on so many levels—I also finally was able to realize that I have the power to create my life how I want it now. In this moment I am creating my future. I embrace it.

And So It Is!

How I Discovered My Soul-Power

The word Heal is defined as: make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment. bring to an end or conclusion, as conflicts between people or groups, usually with the strong implication of restoring former amity; settle; reconcile: They tried to heal the rift between them but were unsuccessful. free from evil; cleanse; purify: to heal the soul.

Lesson One: Breakthrough and Healing

Healing has been the journey of my soul in 2012 on many levels. The more I released, the more I healed and the more I learned about myself and about the mysteries of life.

I had prepared for it since Samhain 2011 when I called forth my Shadow Sister at the time of our annual Samhain Rites. Although I sought to consciously release many things and deal with issues that I’d been carrying around for years, I had no idea of the immense power of that which I was calling forth.

To prepare for the rites, we created masks to represent our shadows. The creation of the masks themselves were a ritual in and of themselves. We took our time with them, beginning weeks before the actual date of the rite. We got together at different times in the weeks leading up to the big day.

To really own these masks and what they represented for us individually, we decided no store bought mask would do. We wanted them to fit our face as our shadow is an individual as we are. We used Plaster of Paris wraps and Vaseline against our skin. Over the course of this month, we had several discussion about the so-called darker aspects of ourselves, how to recognize them, what they were and how we would represent them on our masks. This really helped with getting in-touch to those parts of self and enabled us to move on to the next part.

The Letters.

We wrote letters to our Shadows. Each one of us wrote our own letters to be read at the time of ritual, around a sacred circle and fire. And in the company of one another, we called them forth and acknowledged them. We asked that the shadows become our allies and dark teachers that would not break chains that bound us but rather that they be transformed into the knowledge that would empower us along our path. We then took our own mask from the sacred altar and wore it in circle until each had finished.

It was immensely powerful.

For me personally, it’s clear that there was so much more lurking beneath the surface than I ever imagined. And all of that just kept coming up, process after process into finally erupting into the big major emotional tsunami I had this past February.

I can’t articulate properly how I feel about all of the events that led up to that point. It’s indescribable really. The comments I have received on that particular post, (“My Suicide Circus”) and in my personal email of love and support have amazed me too and even reminded me what a seriously bad-ass warrior I really am.

It’s true, I did descend into my own darkness, into my own hell and face the shadows that held my soul captive. I faced those things –and they were some of the most difficult things I’ve ever faced–alone. Alone is the only way to face ones shadows.

After I shared that part of my journey to healing, to freedom, I believe it went over some people’s head. As I stated in that post, some would say they have been where I was, that they have walked in my shoes but the truth is, while our journeys are similar, each journey is indeed very individual.

Our journeys belong to only us and us alone.

 It was interesting the advice I received as if my posting was a request for help or a signal that I was breaking down and needed some kind of emotional rescue. No, that was the furthest thing from the case.

I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was feeling everything that I was supposed to feel. Was it utter hell?

Fuck yeah it was.

But was it necessary? Yes it was. I needed to see all the power I never recognized I had and that I let be taken away from me as a young woman, mother and wife. I needed to acknowledge that there was no one else to blame and own it so that I could move on.

I received emails and messages from women who totally got what I was saying and then I received messages from women who clearly didn’t have a clue. I even received messages from women who tried to encourage me to ‘hang on’ and remind me that I was a good and strong and yadda, yadda, yadda…

Big Deep Sigh

I wondered whose post they read that they felt I needed their encouraging words and reminders that I was in fact worthy and don’t-be-so-hard-on-myself kind of thing because clearly, it wasn’t mine they read. Looking back I suppose they really did have the best of intentions.

That first week and the days in between I experienced one hell of an awakening on so many levels. Since then so much has been purged, released and the universe as it is, is not a vacuum and has been replacing what I released with such astonishing wisdom I can’t even begin to explain here lest I sound ‘crazy’ to the unprepared mind.

I’ve had mystical experiences one after the other, traversing the boundaries of multi-verse realities. Those who walk a mystical path will surely know what I mean. Those who do not will be those will be the ones who think me crazy. Interesting isn’t it? That when we don’t understand something or someone, it’s the other person’s fault. They’re the ones crazy, weird or strange–not that we just lack the understanding.

Having said that doesn’t mean I know something others don’t. What it means is that I understand things that others may not yet until their own consciousness expand and are able to have another layer of the mystery peeled back and revealed to them. So explanation is pointless.

It’s been said secrets can be told, but mysteries MUST be experienced. This is one of those mysteries. I know that the universe has shown me what I needed to know in my life to this point and I’m good with that.

Because of that breakthrough that I experienced, those dead dreams have been set free to manifest into something completely different. Some of those dreams remained and have been given new life again. It’s such a nice and wonderful feeling to understand that nothing truly dies, nothing is wasted like I once thought.

The journey never ends. It only changes direction.

And also because of that experience and everything that led up to that experience and after, my entire life focus has changed completely.

I now have direction where I really actually had none. I now know what it is I wanted to do with the rest of my life where before I was scared and wondered what could I do.

Now I ask myself, what can’t I do?!

I can do anything I want to. Nothing is impossible here; if it follows the laws of nature then there is nothing, and I mean nothing I can’t do.

Lesson Two: Self Limiting Beliefs & Magical Awareness

I joked with a friend the other day that if I wanted to meet a very famous, super sexy celebrity and hook up, I could do that too. One acquaintance decided that I might be far-reaching, perhaps even a little delusional.

What she was really saying is that she would never dream of the possibility of something like that happening for her so therefore no one else should dream of something like that either. Thankfully, I’m smart enough to understand that her comment meant to discourage me from my view point is really her issue entirely, not mine. And it certainly never discouraged me!

Having said all that, the purpose of using  a famous celebrity for an example  is really quite simple:

We are always denying our own dreams. We tell our children “Reach for the Stars” but then we give them a limit to which they can reach. We say, “You can do anything you put your minds to do” and at the same time we tell them, “Except that”. We continuously do the same thing to ourselves. We do it so much we don’t even know that we are doing it.

At that moment we kill the spark of fire that motivates us, that empowers us and totally feeds our desire to chase, follow and manifest and capture that dream.

So why again the celebrity example?

Simple. Because it’s the easiest thing to relate to at the moment for me in my life having three teenage girls who are crushing hard on their favorite Japanese Rock stars and who say the things that many of us have said when we’ve had our own celebrity crushes back-in-the-day, or even now– “He’s mine. I’m gonna marry him one day.”magic_is_real_poster-r378ae6a0c6db45518fbd4fd405fbb387_wjc_400

Yes, we laugh, we shake our head as if we know some sort of secret that they don’t. Often we even tell them, “OK, kid, dream on. You and ten million other young ladies” thinking we are doing them a favor by keeping them ‘grounded’ in this so-called reality. We never stop to think about how what we are really doing is telling them that dreams aren’t possible to achieve, we only say they are but we don’t really meant it.

Sure, the chances are it is a child-teen crush and that is a healthy and normal part of development but telling them it can’t really happen is in a very real way encouraging them not to believe in the power of their dreams later in life.

Laws of Nature

Celebrities are real people. They live here on earth. Sure they are in the movies, rock stars etc..and live in different places sometimes but the fact is, they are here in this world. And it is my thinking that if they are here in this world, then the possibility of a young girls dream of meeting one, falling in love and marrying them is real too.

We are talking about the fact that the possibility exists. This is the key word here.

The possibility of our beloved daughters meeting their dream crushes exists.There is nothing to stop it. Only the beliefs and attitudes that tell us we can’t are what stop us.

“If you can dream it, you can achieve it”– Walt Disney

I’m sure people thought Walt was crazy. But look what he achieved. Or Steve Jobs even.

So I ask myself , Why Not Me? Do you ask yourself, Why Not You?

I was watching my daughters goo-goo and gaah over their young, sexy J-Rockers and how much fun they (the rockers) were having in their private fan videos and a thought occurred to me,

Look how much fun they are having living their dream. Why do we not all live our dreams? Why do we not all, as Joseph Campbell said, ‘Follow our bliss’?

Again, that’s simple to answer too. It’s because we tell ourselves we can not. We make up excuses and accept the lies that society, that culture, and even our parents tell us because their parents told them the same and so forth down the line all believing this multi-generational lie.

Yet at the same time, all around us are people, books, television, magazines and gurus telling us, Go ahead! Co-create with the Universe! Live the Life you’ve always wanted!” Many people pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars going to self-help workshops, conferences and speaking events; taking classes, courses and anything else they hope might give them an edge in life and yet, they get a little further than no where.  We are constantly encouraged to be all we can be and that we can do it while simultaneously being told over and over again that we can not.  And although we’ll keep spending money taking classes, buying the latest self-help/spiritual book, or going to yet another empowerment workshop, it’s often the latter that we believe.

I’m tired of that. 

I see it for what it is. The mind is reality plain and simple. The universe is one big ginormous energy playground of endless potential available to all of us to jump in and start creating what we want.

If it follows the natural laws of the Universe then the possibility of whatever we want to exist. It can happen.

Will it happen is another story all together. Obviously its more than just saying and believing whatever you desire and dream is simply just going to happen. It’s not enough to dream them or dream big. We must put action behind them to bring them to life. But even before we can do that , we must first accept that whatever we can dream up, big or small, no matter how impossible it might seem CAN happen!! Once we do that, then we can take action and when we begin to take action we then move from a place of dreaming to bringing into our present reality.

Magic is as real as the air we breathe. Even if you don’t believe doesn’t stop magic from being real. Not believing only hinders you from achieving your dreams and receiving miracles. That’s not to say you’ll never achieve your goals or dreams or receive a miracle if you don’t believe. You’ll just have to work a little harder than the rest of us.

Love is Beautiful, Love is Truth,


Crazy Wisdom

Last night while laying across my bed and reading “Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper: Gifting the World with Your Words and Stories, and Creating the Time and Energy to Actually Do It” by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy also known as SARK, I was grappling with something I did earlier in the day. I was trying to understand why I reacted in the way that I did.

So, as SARK says, “…write about how you feel in that moment…” so I picked up my pen and notebook and began writing . As I let the juicy ink flow from my pen to that thirsty paper, I realized something. I realized that my reaction was one that came from a place of fear and not love that I like to think I try so hard to align myself with.

I realized that was my other issue. That I try so hard. I realized that I have yet to surrender myself over to God (which is simply “love” to me)  and let things unfold the way that they need to in my life. But I keep trying. I’m trying instead of doing. I thought I had surrendered and maybe to a certain extent I actually had but–and there is that but–I apparently never let go with one hand and used it to pull myself back into the same old fear-centered place and have been working from there while knowing I need to be operating from a place of love.

Back Story

In order to explain what I am talking about I need to share a little back-story. I’ve been a long time Goddess spirituality workshop and circles facilitator for women. Late summer, I decided that I needed to step back from it for a while as my life has been going in a whole new direction. So much so that I was not able to dedicate the time, energy and focus I needed to put together the Goddess circles and give my time and attention whole-heartedly to the women who could benefit from them. I knew then as I know now that my call to service is a different one and in a whole new capacity that will reach many more people around the world and so I thought it was best that I focus on what was currently happening in my life. While I still know this is my path, I’ve also heard “the call” to return to service in the capacity that I’m familiar with.

The Goddess-Sister Circle.

But my problem was that I didn’t want to dedicate that much time to doing this work. Any sister-priestess out there who facilitates these circles knows the time and energy that goes into having something meaningful and with purpose –it isn’t just a simple gather and spontaneously there is Goddess energy that takes over. I know that some teach that but I’m not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal. Not when it comes to this sacred work. Sometimes though, it happens. Anyway, I needed to reconcile my differences with what I was being called back to do with what I really wanted to do.

The Solution?

Goddess Workshop or how I like some women refer to call them, “playshops”.  Better yet, “Bliss-shop”

So I decided that this would work for me. I could put together a multi-series playshop based on Goddess archetypal energy and how to use it to empower ourselves as women. I already have a class I taught with Goddess in the Chakra’s and their archetypes, both positive and negative that could also turn into a seven week workshop vs the seven months we did in the an intimate setting of a circle of women in temple space. Ideas just pouring forth in a way that will let me serve Goddess, her women and community with deep and meaningful purpose and not constrict me of my time and energy.

Anyway, I decided on doing first the Goddess archetypes and empowerment playshop and was online gathering up some additional resources. While I did I came across this Melbourne, Australia based site called “Goddess Playshops”

Sounds just like my cup-of-tea. It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time in one way or another. I went through the site checking it out and thought about how it would be groovy to go to one of their playshops. But alas, Australia is a far way to go to attend a Goddess Circle! But then I saw the link that said facilitators and when I hovered my mouse over it, it said “Find One” so I thought, “Hey, maybe there will be one here. That might be cool”

I clicked it.

Whoa! I was stunned. Surprised. In fact, I was utterly shocked.

Yes, in fact there was one in the United States. In Ohio even and still, Akron area where I live. Even more so, the facilitator is a woman I personally know and very well.

I reacted first with a great burst of laughter. “Was this an effing joke? Really? Her?! OMG! This CAN’T be right? This woman is a total wack-a-doo!” I immediately posted a status message on Facebook of laughter and disgust. I even posted the link to her profile on the Goddess Playshop website laughing hysterically about it. After about 20 minutes I realized that was not reflective of the woman I really am and so I deleted it.

I text a friend with whom I am very close to and whom I share a great deal with and telling her about it. I told a few other people who actually know her too and we just were astonished and laughing and stunned.

This woman leading and guiding women to empowerment? Really? My mind just went over it many times, completely flabbergasted. I know this woman personally as I said. She is still a victim herself and wears her badges proudly of being a “Sexual Abuse Survivor” —according to her, she’s been raped 22 times and at last count, the last time I saw her, when she was at my house for two weeks in July of 2008, she claimed that her her young daughter, who was 5 at the time, had been molested about 6 or 10 times as well. During her stay here, the daughter also supposedly “remembered” being molested again by one of my own family members even! This woman’s issues have become her daughters issues. She lives as though she and her daughter are one person instead of two. It is very sad.

She’s bi-polar and a recovering crack-addict and to her credit, she managed to thus-far over come her addiction and earn her BA in psychology. (FYI: She is very open about this and will talk about it if she is asked) But since I’ve known her, since 2004, she’s flipped from Goddess spirituality to Jesus more times than I can count. For a time she’s all about Goddess then when something she can’t handle happens to her, she flips out and tosses or purges every Goddess item she has and “goes back to Jesus”. Until her next episode. She goes on and on about she and her daughter being a “sexual abuse survivors” telling anyone who will listen her sad, sad stories. Once, while here during a Sabbat ritual, she was telling the entire group about how she and her four year old daughter were sexually molested repeatedly. It was very embarrassing and very sad.

I mention these few things because one, it’s some of my own real-life personal experiences of her and two, on her own profile on the Goddess Playshops website, she’s announcing publicly that’s she’s a victim. It’s all beside the main point really as I needed to give a background because it leads me to where discovering this on my search to gather information taught me something about myself yesterday.

Behavior Check

Why was I bothered by her? Why did seeing her name listed as a Goddess Playshop facilitator make me react the way that it did? I almost said “Screw this, I’m not going to do these when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid.”

Was I jealous? No. Jealous is wanting something someone has that you do not. I’ve been teaching Goddess Spirituality for years. This was not it.

Was I still mad at her for being the energy and psychic vampire that she is and all the insane drama she caused in the past? Perhaps. But I’ve learned to let go of so much of the past that it had to be more than this that caused me to react and feel the way I did.

What was seeing her and knowing this trying to teach me about myself? What was this reflecting back to me?


It was reflecting my own deep-seated and rooted fear. Yes, I had thought momentarily, “Screw this, I’m not going to do these (Goddess  circles/worshops) when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid,” and almost decided to forget it all but I decided to forge ahead with the workshop ideas because I’m not that weak. I realized though it wasn’t crazy on the outside I wanted to avoid and feared.

It was crazy on the inside.

She frightens me. Her crazy frightens me.  I realized it’s because I’ve always been afraid that she is what I might become.

Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.
Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.

Going Back A Little Further

I was raised by my mother’s grandparents because my own mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and was unable to raise me. She spent most of my life in and out of mental hospitals. I seen my mother have nervous-breakdowns more times than I care to count. Being a young child watching your mother being dragged off by police and ambulance is something that sort of sticks with you somewhere in the back of your mind apparently. The neighbors saw this and their kids were not allowed to play with me because my mom had issues. This too does something to your self-esteem as a young child hearing from your friends, “I’m sorry we’re not allowed to play with you because you know, your mommy is crazy.”

Through the years I thought I’d gotten over these fears but apparently I have not. I had always heard, “The gene runs in the family” or “It can get you at any time” which, I know that if schizophrenia hasn’t displayed itself by the age of 24 it’s not going to. At least this is what studies and doctors say. So this is apparently always in the back of my mind and this woman is a reminder of that. And with the course of this year being described as ‘crazy’ and magical and wild, I’ve thought many times “Am I going crazy?” because of the deep mystical experiences I’ve had and continue to have as well as the mundane fantastic things happening and unfolding in my life.

It feels at times, cray-cray.

I started thinking about this former friend and the fact that she wears her past experiences as a badge of honor and pride saying “Look at me, I’m a survivor, hear me roar!”  only says to the warrior in me how pathetic and sad she is. I noticed how easy it was to anger at her and how I had little to no compassion for the reasoning behind her attention seeking ways and slinging around the whole sexual abuse survivor story. In fact, it pissed me off when she was a part of my life as she constantly drained me for my attention and energy telling me she ‘needed’ my strength. If I’m going to be real about it just seeing the whole “I’m a sexual abuse survivor” still pisses me off now.

I have survived sexual abuse. Many women have. I was a child, not on crack turning tricks for it and later claiming it was rape. Perhaps this is what makes me angry at her inside. I have survived child abuse at the hands of my grandmother. I survived domestic violence and abuse at the hands of my ex- husband. But I am not a victim and while I survived those things, I’m not a survivor of them.

Those things that happened to me do not in anyway shape or form define who I am. I am not those experiences. Yes, they happened and they were bad but they were experiences I had –they never were and never will be me. It is true that because of those experiences, as unfortunate as they were, I was caused to learn a great deal about myself and who I am, my strength and my own potential but it is through our experiences that we do so. Not by clinging on to them, letting them define us and who we are or who we have the potential to be.  We are all continuously learning because of the things, both good, wonderful and bad that happen to us. They all are gifts and have something to offer us if we are willing to be open to receive.

No matter what we’ve been through, we are not our experiences nor should we let our experiences define who we are now or who will be in the future. We should honor them, good or bad because we all got something from them that should help make us better people and reaching further to that place of love and potential within ourselves. It’s been said many times over in many ways and it is true now— We are so much more than what we believe we are or any experience that we’ve ever had.

What else did I learn? That perhaps maybe my faith in the Divine isn’t as strong as I thought it was. It’s definitely something for me to consider or think about.

Who am I really to question whether or not this woman, regardless of what I know about her, is ‘fit’ to lead other women to Goddess?  Who am I to know whether or not through her own experiences, imagined or real that she might not have something to offer women? How do I know that this course work didn’t help her finally step into her own divine Goddess power? I don’t. When we encounter Goddess energy and we allow it to move through our lives we are changed. There’s no guess work about that.

 “She changes everything She touches, Everything She touches Changes”

I realized that if this woman took the course to be a Goddess Playshop facilitator and actually did the work and met the Goddess Within, then she would be changed or at least, in a position to know her own weaknesses and build her strength so that she might be able to, with the right tools, be able to help others.

My reaction should have been more one of “How wonderful this is! Perhaps the Divine Feminine is moving through Her life and has brought her to a place of emotional, spiritual and mental wellness” —never mind that her biography still has her purporting herself as a victim. I shouldn’t have given it much more thought than being thankful that Goddess is everywhere and in everyone and working her magic in the ways she sees fit.

Strange Teachers

The irony is that while I have avoided this woman like the plague, cut her out of my life like a malignant tumor and whom I laughed at and reacted so poorly when I first saw her name listed as a Goddess Playshops facilitator is that she  had something deep to teach me. And that lesson was that I’m still fearful of complete surrender to Love; that I still cling to the realm of operating from a place of fear. And because of this, my actions and reactions aren’t speaking the truth of the place of Love where I long to stay. I don’t want to be just a visitor to this place of Love within myself. I want to be an eternal resident, in this life and beyond. I realize I need to move closer to surrender of all things, not just some. So yes, this woman I feared and rejected has had something to teach me after all. It may have been indirect and she is not aware of it, but all the same it was because of seeing her picture, her name and description that set me off deep into myself to learn more about who I am now and who I long to be. In fact, it not only taught me a thing or two but it also inspired me with ideas in which I can take this Goddess playshop I am putting together to a whole new and deeper, powerful and meaningful  level.

Nothing is by accident. There are no coincidences. Everything truly happens for a reason. We just have to step back, listen and it’ll come to us.

Websites to Visit:

Goddess Playshops

SARK’s website at Planet SARK

The Making of a Monarch

A Private Journal Entry from my handwritten personal journal dated November 2011:

Dream-state. Cocoon. Gestation. Cave-like. Hibernation. Womb.

*This is where I am

Change. Transformation. Metamorphosis. Transfiguration.

*This is what is happening.

Renewal. Evolution. Emergence. Awakening.

*This is what awaits me

Regent. Queen. Empress. Monarch. Ruler of her world and Shape-Shifter of her Own Destiny.

*This is what I’ll become.


March 21st 2012

This regal Monarch and Goddess-Queen has emerged from my cocoon.  Fully supported and fueled by my dreams I am spreading my wings and taking flight.

Catch me if you can.



Time Is Always Now

Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change. ~Thomas Hardy

Hickory, dickory dock, Aura bought herself a new clock.

The New Clock

The old wall clock stopped ticking despite replacing it with new batteries. It had ticked its last tock and that was it. It was its time. Pun totally intended.

The Old Clock

I still keep that old clock though on the wall. I should actually take it down and throw it away as it’s not ticked or tocked for quite some time, maybe even a year or longer.  But I think I keep it for sentimental reasons. It was one of the firsts for the house when we moved here six  years ago. And it’s always been a conversation piece by those non-earth spirited people. Especially when they glance up to see the time and gasp, “Oh that can’t be right?”.

Only twice a day it is. <Insert chuckle here>

I know the ticking of the clock seems unnerving to some people. Especially when they are trying to sleep. But for me its a sound of magic, of wonder and of contemplation. When I hear the ticking of the clock I know that I am in the moment, literally. That I am aware of the ticking of the clock means that I am tuning out everything else and listening to time tick. Whatever I am doing in that moment, in that second I become of conscious of trying to make it count.

It seems we are busy in one way or another, whether we are lost in the swamp of worry and trepidation located within our mind, of a future that has not yet come to pass or we are traveling back through other windows of time lamenting on what has already happened. Or perhaps we aren’t even thinking but are continuously on the go that we never slow down until we need to sleep.  In all that time we never hear the ticking of the clock yet the clock keeps on ticking, keeps on moving right into the future and that future is the now. Ticktock.

Usually when the noise is down in the house, the t.v is off, the kids are out and you aren’t lost in a haze of thoughts daydreaming is when you hear it. So many times we get caught up in our thoughts, our to do list and multi-tasking that we aren’t even conscious of present time. The now. Yet that clock still ticks the tock …ticktock, ticktock, ticktock …and sometimes it slips into our awareness but only on those occasions we slow down. Which might explain that the clock that always ticks and tocks doesn’t bother some until they lay down at night to sleep. Because that is the only time they slow down and become aware of now.

If you have a wall clock, how often do you really hear it? Honestly? What’s going on in your mind when you do actually hear it?

Are you one of those people who have a hard time grasping the whole “Being Present” concept? Well remember this:

When you are conscious of the ticking of the clock, you are in the constantly unfolding now. You are consciously in the present. 

I’ve been listening to this clock tick and tock and while I know it signifies that time is passing by, I feel more like I am drifting in and out of it; as each tick creates a present, it also creates a past. For a bit, I’m conscious of the ticking, I am in the now, when I’m not, the sound is gone because I’m somewhere else in my mind, in the past moments, years, thoughts or other places on the map of my memory but not here until I hear that ticking come into focus again.

Strange Awareness

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the ticking appears to be louder than other times? Especially when it seems like something has happened that has caused a shift in your emotions one way or another (but usually in a not-so-good-kind-of-way) and suddenly the only sound you hear is the clicking of the clock. That’s happened to me on plenty of occasions. I am inclined to think that it’s the universes way of saying, “This is a moment you will either cherish forever, wish to forget or shouldn’t forget”.

More Time Travel

Another thing that I’ve noticed about the whole concept of time is that watching the clock and waiting for one minute to pass can almost seem to take forever while at other times it seems to go too fast. Yet the clock and the tick and tock are still moving the same as they have been. So then it is we who seem to be moving forward or backward and appearing out of sync not “in beat” or present with current time. But all of these things are illusions of time. They don’t really exist except in how we perceive them to.  And yet, in the same token, it is the now that matters.

What Will You Do With Your Now? 

Whenever I ask people what they want out of life, most often the answer I get is, “I want to be happy.”  So I might ask them why are they not happy now and they usually have a list of what it is exactly they think they need and should have to be happy.  This probably stems from our being taught that happiness comes from external sources outside our own inner being.

The truth is happiness comes from within and exists in the Realm of Now. 

This means we don’t have to wait for the right job, perfect place and partner to be happy. The clock it ticks, it tocks and it reminds that time is in the here and now. Always now. 

Be Happy Now

Define your idea of happiness and create it. Create it now because now is a perfect time to do it. Don’t wait for an imagined perfect time to make yourself smile, to get some enjoyment out of your life wherever you are and whatever stage you are in.

I tell myself this every day. I will hum or sing out Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”  when I find myself pondering the “What If’s” and “Maybe if I have’s” in order to “finally be happy”. Yes, I have to consciously remind myself that I should not wait to be happy because my happiness comes from within and *not from my relationship to things.

This is true of all people, only we don’t realize it. We don’t need ice cream, money, a lover, a new car, etc., to be happy.  It is holding to that illusion of having this or that that actually prevents us from accessing our source of happiness from within in the here and now.  We can learn to swim the channels in our inner landscape and find the place where happiness exists and releasing it without trick or trigger. It might take a little practice to get good but hey, now is a  perfect time to start.

Blessings and Happiness!