Tag Archive | Healing

A Big Fat Truth: It Isn’t Cute, It Isn’t Sexy-It’s Probably Killing You.

*Note to readers:

This actually started out this morning as a just one of those lengthier type of Facebook status updates. Instead, I kept writing, and writing. I decided it was best shared here instead, which of course will still be shared on Facebook as well. Just not like I originally intended. ~

Here’s what I don’t understand, we can’t even talk about obesity without people getting upset, claiming “Fat Shaming” and if we can’t talk about the real issues without being shut down the moment we start talking them, then we will never be able to deal with any of them.

As many may now know, I’ve decided to get certified as a health and nutrition coach not only to help other people but to help my SELF. Once upon a time, like many of us, I was in tip-top physical shape, a “smokin’ hot body” if I say so myself. There’s some on this list who knew me when and can verify that is true. Over the years, children, busy lifestyle, depression, divorce, and whatever else real-but-still-excuse- I let get in the way, I gained a significant amount of weight.

At one point I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome some years back, and still I did nothing. I hid from my friends who knew me ‘back-in-the-day” for I knew they’d be shocked at how I looked. I didn’t do much of anything anymore but take care of my girls all the while getting unhealthier by the day.

It wasn’t until something incredible happened in 2012 that I decided to reclaim the life that was mine. I wanted to live a long, healthy life, and be there for my daughters, my granddaughters (I just assume they will be girls too) and their children. I wanted to enjoy life and everything it has to offer. I started a diet and exercise routine, started losing weight and suddenly developed stomach issues. I lost a considerable amount of weight then due to both the diet, exercise and of course the stomach issues that eventually landed me in the hospital having surgery in May of 2012.

Since then it’s been an off and on type of relationship. I’ve made friends with my self, and my body but I realize now I didn’t quite fall desperately-in-love with myself and my body like I should have. So I treated my Self and my body like the good friend you see every now and again; the kind that you don’t have to see or talk often but when you do, it’s like nothing ever changed? Yes, I treated my Self and my body like that.

What I’ve learned is that you can do that with real friends in other bodies, but you can not do that to your self. It’s no good, not very healthy.

I did gain some weight back, then lost it again and then started a short cycle of up a few pounds and then down a few pounds, and all the while getting upset, and frustrated with my body in the process, and like the friend you start to avoid because they are getting on your nerves always complaining about this, or whining about that, I started to avoid my Self, and my body.

Sure, I tried to live the healthy-ish lifestyle, and I did the main things, like eat, sleep and shower. I even kept up my beautifying routine, which brings me to yet another point:

One of my daughters said to me about why I look younger than I actually am, “Mommy, you look so young because you take damn good care, almost obsessive care of your skin naturally and it shows.”

I thought to myself how true that statement was and yet, why did I only stop at my skin? Certainly, that’s not the only reason my skin looks good. There’s environmental factors, genetics, I’m a non-smoker, I drink lots of water, yeah…I feed my skin good stuff, nothing but the best naturally.

Wow. Only my skin?! What the hell is wrong with me?! Here I am obsessing over having healthy looking skin but I wasn’t bothered with making the effort to be healthy in my physical body! Why didn’t I put forth just as much effort in my overall health, and not just focused on my awesome skin care routine?!

Why?! I like having fabulous, youthful looking skin. You’d think I’d want the healthy body to go with that. But something inside of me was sabotaging my efforts to my good health journey, and sadly, apparently it didn’t take much. My focus remained on how to have healthier, more youthful, glowing skin.

No, I’m not interested in looking 21, that’s not the goal. Ironically, my goal was to be a vibrant, radiant, healthy looking woman whatever my age. Yes, that’s right, my goal was to look vibrant, radiant and healthy, without, apparently, actually being healthy.

How oxymoronic is that?

Fat In Florida:

After I moved into my father’s house is when I felt the worst. You can read more about that experience here in the 8 Pearls Of Light That Guided Me Through Hell post. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t yoga anymore, I didn’t even walk. My weight was an issue they liked to talk about, to humiliate me to bring me down, even though they are fat slobs themselves.

I gained a few pounds as if out of rebellion to say, “Eff you! You don’t control my life, and damn sure not my weight.” How stupid was that? Here I was sabotaging my health because my father and is wife are idiots. This is a perfect example of how moving from an ego-centered place will get you screwed every time. And a fatter ass.

Reclaiming Aura

After we moved out, and into our place where we are, I needed time to decompress. I still didn’t jump back-into the weight-loss and healthy-ish lifestyle I was mostly-kind- of-trying to live back in Ohio. I went to work, and have been slowly making our condo our place again.

We’ve now officially been here over 2 months, and I’ve started to find my groove again. Before I left Ohio, a big issue for me then was, “What am I going to do with my life when I grow up?” “What is my calling?” I knew I didn’t want to work in the medical field doing what I do for the rest of my life. Yet, I knew that my calling is to be of service to people, and community. Once I started to settle in here at the condo a bit more, with all of the tension previous months at my father’s house being dissolved into nothingness, these questions were now at the forefront of my mind, and heart once more.

I don’t remember the definitive moment if there was one where I decided enough is enough, and I have to do something. But something indeed happened to me. In a moment of pure, and divine stillness, everything changed. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what I was called to do, and I decided right then and there to do it with the same passion, love and excitement I’d do for my loved ones, for my best friend to make their life more comfortable, happy and complete.

I decided to be my own Best Friend. To not only love my Self fearlessly, and courageously despite having ignored my Self for so long, but also to fall IN- Love with my Best Friend, my Self–and I’m falling, deeper and deeper with every day that passed by.

I wanted to do anything, and everything I could for my Best Friend, to show her that I am truly sorry for the way I’ve treated her, the ONE person who’s been with me through every single thing I’ve ever gone through, the ONE person who’s had my back through thick and thin (pun intended); she is the ONE person who took the hit, no matter how hard, for every rotten and stupid choice I’ve ever made. I owed to her, my Best Friend, My Self, do whatever I could to make things right.

Where to start? That was easy. I knew I treated her skin good, so I needed to treat the rest of her good too. I have always been an advocate of natural medicine (rarely ever relying on the doctors and big pharma as I’m terrified of them; working in a hospital and seeing up close and personal what goes on makes me even more weary of the network), raw foods, herbs and supplements, using many almost religiously when sick, and for preventive means. Whatever I did had to be focused somewhere in health and wellness.

Then lightening struck.

I saw an add for Institute of Integrative Nutrition, and I wanted to check that out. The moment I clicked on the link for the website, talked to some graduates, I knew without a doubt, this was for me. The fact that I already have a life coaching background made this even better. This was how I was going to begin to repay my Best Friend, my own beautiful Self back for every poor health decision I ever made.

This is a GIFT of health I am giving to me, Aura, and to my Best Friend-Self because I’m worth it! I realized it’s also a gift I’ll be able to share, and give to other people on the journey to health, wellness and happiness.

So my question is this:

Is there going to be a problem when I’m sharing on the social networks/public platforms what I’m learning, changing and growing from? Is there going to be a problem out there with the sensitive people who might benefit from some of the information I might share, and accuse me of “fat shaming?”

I have no doubt there will be. And that’s simply too bad, and so sad. I’ll not take it personal because I know it’s about their own issues coming to the surface, and something they don’t want to look at. As I’ve already said, I’ve been there. Now I’m on the journey back to healthy, and will gladly share that journey with any one else who wants to walk it, run it, or bike it with me.

Being Fat, Overweight, and Obese isn’t Ugly! It’s just Unhealthy!

Recently, I read an article called, My wedding was perfect and I was fat as hell the whole time”.  While I admit it was a beautiful read, and I’m so glad that the bride felt good in her own skin, as fat as she is (her words), really reading those words, having been where she is, I know that for the most part, women who say, “I’m fat and happy” are only superficially happy. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Inside, deep inside, we are miserable, frustrated, and it’s not that we don’t want to get the weight off, it’s that we don’t know how. So instead, we opt for the in-your-face-I’m-fat-love-me-or-don’t-I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

But we do give a fuck. Deep down, we really do give a fuck.

Oh sure, everyone knows, “Eat less, move your body more burn more fat” –yes, we know this much. But what we have a difficult time doing is getting to the heart of the problem of the weight in first place. Most often, it is a deep rooted pain, and rejection of self on the deepest level, so deep we aren’t even consciously aware of it. So deep, we deny it and say, “Oh hell no, girlfriend, I love myself, every inch of my fat body.”

Lies. All Lies.

It’s a brutal and painful hurt, which is why it’s buried so deep. We don’t want to look at it. If we have to look at it, we have to deal with it. This, to me, is where the whole “fat acceptance” comes in to play.

It’s not about other people having to accept us because we might be fat. Floating pictures of fat women in revealing outfits followed by and supported with encouraging comments meant to boost the self-confidence only helps with the outer-self, the self esteem which is very important. Big women need to know they are beautiful, they are gorgeous as anyone else. And yet, still, no matter what, it all comes back to us accepting ourselves as we are.

This photo of a woman in her black leotard reads, “I’m not “pretty for a big girl”.  I’m pretty period.”Im+not+pretty+for+a+big+girl

Sure she is. She’s god damn gorgeous-as-she-is. It matters not if she’s a big girl in regard to being “pretty” or “gorgeous”. I see that it is the external where everyone’s focus seems to be, on whether or not a woman is beautiful, fat or not.

Of course she is.

 

To me the real questions are these:

Behind her physical beauty, is she healthy? What’s her heart look like? Is she at risk for other life-threatening diseases? And do we do more harm by ignoring the “fat issue” , pretending it doesn’t matter as long as the bigger woman feels attractive, and beautiful?

obeseheart

An over-weight and obese heart. There’s nothing “pretty” or “beautiful” about this.

Fat acceptance starts with ourselves. It’s more than just accepting that, “Sure, yeah I know I’m a big girl/boy”. It’s beyond being stunningly gorgeous on the outside no matter what size you are. That’s external. It’s about the life-long haul; it’s finding the root cause, the emotional, mental and spiritual issue behind all of what’s causing us to hold on to the extra weight that will eventually lead to sickness, and other health issues that could lead to a host of other weight-related dis-eases that can cause early death. It is accepting who we are, and as fat as we are, and giving our fat self nothing but pure love. Real self-love, with the same kind of passion and intensity you’d give to another loved one. It’s the same kind, if not deeper, and stronger love we must give to our own Best Friend–Our Self.

When an overweight and/or obese person is accepted, and loved completely, fully from the self, only then can they begin to see real changes taking place in all aspects of their lives. Interesting enough, when most people fall in love one of the first things that often happens is they lose weight. Imagine falling in deep love with your Self…I’d imagine the weight of deep rooted pain, hurt, and shame carried around for years would begin to fall off, almost effortlessly. I can imagine that because it happened to me.

Interesting how that happens, right?

 

 

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Her Dark Gifts: Truth, Beauty, Strength and Love

 

The Charge of the Dark Goddess
Author Unknown

DarkGoddess

Wisdom and empowerment are the gifts of the Dark Goddess of Transformation. She is known to us as Kali, Hecate, Cerridwen, Lilith, Persephone, Fata, Morgana, Ereshkigal, Arianhrod, Durga, Inanna, Tiamat, and by a million, million other names:

Hear me child, and know Me for who I am. I have been with you since you were born, and I will stay with you until you return to Me at the final dusk.

I am the passionate and seductive lover who inspires the poet to dream. I am the One who calls to you at the end of your journey. After the day is done, My children find their blessed rest in my embrace.

I am the womb from which all things are born. I am the shadowy, still tomb; all things must come to Me and bare their breasts to die and be reborn to the Whole.

I am the Sorceress that will not be ruled, the Weaver of Time, the Teacher of Mysteries. I snip the threads that bring my children home to me. I slit the throats of the cruel and drink the blood of the heartless. Swallow your fear and come to me, and you will discover true beauty, strength, and courage.

I am the fury which rips the flesh from injustice. I am the glowing forge that transforms your inner demons into tools of power. Open yourself to my embrace and overcome. I am the glinting sword that protects you from harm. I am the crucible in which all the aspects of yourself merge together in a rainbow of union.

I am the velvet depths of the night sky, the swirling mists of midnight, shrouded in mystery. I am the chrysalis in which you will face that which terrifies you and from which you will blossom forth, vibrant and renewed. Seek me at the crossroads, and you shall be transformed, for once you look upon my face, there is no return.

I am the fire that kisses the shackles away. I am the cauldron in which all opposites grow to know each other in Truth. I am the web which connects all things. I am the Healer of all wounds, the Warrior who rights all wrongs in their Time. I make the weak strong. I make the arrogant humble. I raise up the oppressed and empower the disenfranchised. I am Justice tempered with Mercy.

Most importantly, child, I am you. I am part of you, and I am within you. Seek me within and without, and you will be strong. Know me. Venture into the dark so that you may awaken to Balance, Illumination, and Wholeness. Take my Love with you everywhere and find the Power within to be who you wish.

It’s been awhile! Where have I been? I don’t even know where to start! Hiding in my room almost all summer away from people and of life.  Ahh..what a story that is but I don’t feel like telling it tonight.  I’ll save that one for later as now I’m moved to talk about the darkness and the magic and beauty of it.

THE MOTHER OF DARKNESS

What comes to mind for many of us when we think of the Mother Goddess is nurturing, healing, warmth, light and loving energy.  When we gather to celebrate Her energy, we sing, chant, and play music all that makes reference to Her divine light. We call on it and ask to be illuminated by it; we seek to be baptized in it so that Her brilliance may shine through our being.

There is a man who I’m “friends” with on Facebook who constantly refers to the light and often on his Facebook page he writes that “Truth and Love are only found in the Light”. This guy identifies himself as a medium. I’m not really sure what that means for him but he’s definitely confident that the only way to the truth is through the light and through that light is love.

For him, that may be true. For a lot of us, it may seem to be true. But for those of us who seek the truth, who are students of the ancient mystery schools of esoteric wisdom and such, we know that truth, whatever that may be for one is not the truth of another. We also know that truth and Love are not limited to or found only in “The Light”.

THE LIGHT OF LOVE

Most of us naturally associate love with light. We are conditioned to believe that all things that are light are good and all things dark are bad.  In the spiritual communities, we often see signatures in emails and chats “In Love and Light”. Rarely do we see anyone signing off with “In Love and Darkness” lest we are thought of as having some sort of Gothic Vampire fixation or complex and not actually bestowing a signature departure and blessing of genuine love.  For most of us in general, when we think of Mother Goddess, rarely do we think of Her dark and loving embrace and empowering lessons.

LIGHT OVER DARKNESS

We are taught to favor the light and to always be aligning ourselves with that, moving towards it and dance with it.  Not too long ago we entered the realm of darkness at the autumn equinox.  This offers a time to sit within this growing dark realm and learn of the Dark Mother’s many mysteries.  As the year wanes forth, we will continue to sink deeper into her darkness until the darkest night, the winter solstice in December when Her light is reborn of the earth beginning the new solar year. Come this time, people all over the world in the northern hemisphere in many cultures and with just as many customs will joyously celebrate the return of light to the world again. From that point, the Her transformation from the old Dark Crone to Infant waxing light will be excitedly monitored as we anxiously watch her growth from the newborn sun at the winter solstice to the “Child/Daughter of Light” at Brighnasadh or Imbolc a.k.a “Candlemass” in February.  A time when we celebrate what is said to be ” her stirring and awakening” in the belly of the earth. We do this with candles and milk. Another custom is to wait for the famous groundhog”Punxsutawney Bill” to see his shadow as confirmation of her return to us.  As the wheel turns once more the vernal or spring equinox, in March, when we reach the day and night are equal in length once more, we will stand at the edge ready to bring things into perfect balance, releasing the dark of the year and stepping once more into the season of fire, of light and warmth.

Personally,  I think that most of us spend more time hoping and waiting for the return of the light than embracing and sinking into the darkness and accepting all the dark, magical and healing gifts she has to offer us.

As a woman of the earth, sun, moon and stars, the rain and the wind, the ice and the snow–of light and of darkness it’s an important part of my personal spiritual practice to align myself with the natural energies of the earth.  To flow with it, not fight against it. To slow down now in this time of darkness, to allow me to sleep, dream, and rest as much as I can.  The darkness is indeed a healing time, a learning time, an introspective and transformative time.  It is a time of letting go, of total surrender.

THE POWER OF LIGHT

Yes, there is power in the light and light is power. In the light is awareness and clarity to see all that lie before us or so we believe. Because of our clear vision, we are confident in our beliefs, therefore, we think we understand and know better than we can without the light. The light is our strength, the light is our power, our Excalibur. When we walk in the light we relax more and worry less about not seeing what we need as we erroneously believe that all is or will be made available to us; “All that we can not see will be brought to light”.  Perhaps though, where a balance of darkness is concerned, we might also say that we can become “Blinded by the light.”


IN THE DARK

Darkness has gotten a bad rap. It’s long been associated with all things bad and evil. The unknown, the unseen and the mysterious in general can be a very frightening thing. All these things seem to be shrouded in darkness and because we can not see what’s before us we can feel unsafe and vulnerable in the dark.  Many people are so afraid of the physical darkness that they must leave some sort of night light on in their homes to have a sense of security and safety so that nothing will harm them.  We tell our children to come in before dark to keep them safe. We as women are conditioned to not venture out at night, especially alone because this is when the bad things happen, in the heart of darkness.  We falsely believe that our power is diminished in the darkness.  It’s true, in the dark we can be challenged but our power isn’t diminished. It is when we learn how to tap into and use other sources of power within.

LOVE IN THE DARK

It’s been said by many a philosopher and spiritual teachers that there is only Love and Fear; that the absence of Love is Fear. That doesn’t necessarily mean that absence of Love is darkness or that darkness is something that should be feared. When we open our hearts and choose to live consciously and live and act from a place of pure love for ourselves and others, we are able to see without seeing, feel without touching and recognize that divine love in the heart of darkness.

The unconscious, deep mind where unresolved conflicts and issues such as childhood fears, traumatic experiences, and abuses wait for an opportunity to rise to the surface calling out to us to be heard, to be remembered and receive much-needed healing through dreaming while we sleep is associated with the realm of darkness.

The shadows that crawl across the wall, those things that “go bump in the night”, creaking of the house settling, or the wind blowing can cause paralyzing fear in the dark. It seems that all these things creep up in the dark when we feel most vulnerable, just waiting to wreak havoc on our mind. For many, darkness can be a trigger for panic and overwhelming, intense and irrational fear.

 IN DARKNESS TRUTH CAN BE FOUND

The truth can not be hidden in the realm of darkness. The truth of ourselves that we keep hidden that contains our fear, pain, and our rage –all that unconsciously binds us is revealed before the Mother of Darkness. It is this revelation before the Dark Mother that is one of Her great gifts to us; one of transformation, courage, strength and resolve. In the place of darkness, she offers us the opportunity to be quiet, to contemplate and go deep within ourselves, to question, to reflect and release traumas and issues and receive much-needed healing. In Her dark bosom, we find a place of rest, recovery, nurturing and renewal so that when the time comes we may step into the light with peace, strength. So that we may learn and receive the wisdom and knowledge of the truth of ourselves, and come to understand a different type of beauty and Love that is darkness.

It is in the darkness where we are created and where new life begins. It is where we are created whole, and we are transformed.

 

gibran

There is dark and light in all things and the Goddesses are no exceptions.  All have a darker aspect but this darkness doesn’t have to be seen as bad or evil, just different.  Working with a Dark Goddess can be an empowering experience as it offers us an opportunity for spiritual and personal growth by challenging us to see the truth of ourselves, to recognize our strengths and to nurture and protect ourselves on all levels of being, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  In the Dark Mothers embrace, we are covered in Her divine darkness, led to a place of dreams where we receive visions, messages and where her mysteries are revealed as she imparts wisdom in her holy guidance.  She is the darkness and She is the light in the darkness.  She is all that is, was and shall be, time eternal.

In Love and Darkness,

Aura xoxoxo

candle

There Shall be no fear of the Mother of Darkness,

She who is eternal, She who brings forth and nurtures all life,

She who is the Mother and the Crone, She who is the Transformer of Souls

Let us release ourselves into Her dark and most loving embrace.

She who is the beginning, the middle and end,

She who weaves, measures and cuts the cords

She of Wisdom, Mystery and Power,

In Her is the gift of Truth, Beauty, Strength and Love.

And Oh! How Her love flows endlessly through Her mystic depths!   © Aura Argante 2013

 

Forgiveness: Private Journal Entry # 1

☽✪☾ Blessed Brighnasa ☽✪☾

Today is the Celtic holy day known as Imbolc (pronounced Im’olk). In Christianity, it is known as Candlemas as well as St. Brighids Day. Others still know today as Ground Hog Day. Incidentally, I read Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today therefore forecasting six more weeks of winter. Yes, forecasting the future of weather via animal. Nope. Nothing pagan at all about that. O.O

Brighnasa actually comes from Patricia Kennealy-Morrison who uses this because she feels it chimes well with Lughnasa which happens to be directly across from Imbolc/Brighnasa in the Wheel of the Year. She said, via Facebook, that she uses the term in her Keltiad series of books as well as her personal worship. I have officially adopted it into my own use and vocabulary because I simply adore it. I agree with Patricia, it just feels right.

Brighnasa, Imbolc,Candlemas and Ground Hog’s Day

This is the time of year that while there still may be ice and snow on the ground in many places life is stirring down below in the deep earth. As the earth steadily tilts towards the sun again, we notice the lengthening days and this return of light awakens and stirs a gentle flame within our souls.

New Life Bursting Through

Earth is Awakening!

Traditionally it’s been held as a time of purification, cleansing, and strengthening. The new always requires care, strengthening and even discipline. All that is new is still fragile, weak and growing. We need to nurture that which is new in our lives on all levels of being and all planes of existence; the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Earth, air, water, fire.

There are many articles and websites in which one can learn more about the Wheel of the Year and the sacred holy days, such as Imbolc, and how they apply to our modern lives. I shall not go into that here but I encourage you too research them if you don’t understand what they are and what we do.

However, I wanted to share that brief intro to give a bit of background to my blog post today. I have been thinking about the changes I’ve gone through since the Celtic New Year that began at Samhain (pronounced “sow’een”). Samhain falls on Halloween. It is the time of rites of the remembering our dead and remembering the precious gift we have in life. It is also a time for deep introspection within the Self.  My journey actually began shortly before  the autumnal equinox, when we descended into the “dark half of the year”, when a betrayal of friendship ripped my world apart. This was one whom I not only considered a dear friend but who also happened to be my next-door neighbor so I had to endure having her in my range of vision.

I wrote about it briefly in a blog called “My Shadow Sister and I” which you may want to read to get a better feel about this post and to understand where I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually five months ago compared to where I’ve come to today on my spiritually unfolding journey.

Light Bulb Moment

But that’s the great thing about walking an earth-centered path; we understand that the time is cyclic and spiral, not linear. So every holy day is another opportunity for us to be “Old with the old, in with the new!” shedding our skins like the sacred serpent only to grow new.

So having said that, today in honor of Brighnasa, Imbolc and Candlemas and in the spirit of purification and cleansing as well as healing, I thought I would share something  personal, from my private, for-my-eyes-only personal journal entry that I wrote yesterday. I was inspired to share a bit of my thoughts in a private email to someone the other day as these revelations began to unfold in my heart and mind. I then realized that it would be good medicine to share this part of my soul in this posting. I also might add that because I am copying this from my private journal where I do not spell check or care about grammatical accuracy, you may find plenty of errors. I am not editing it for post.

It is my sacrifice that I offer this public baring of my soul to Our Lovely Lady of the Sacred Wells of Healing and the Fires of Spirit and Purification and Transformation, Our Beautiful Goddess Brighde.

Date: Feb 1st, 2012

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Emotions: Contemplative and in a calm like reflective state

Physical: My left hand still hurts quite a bit. Thank goddess I’m right-handed.

Dearest Most Beloved Self,

On this Imbolc eve, I am thinking about all that needs to purified, cleansed and healed from my life. I am also thinking on how in doing so I will be of better service to others in all aspects of my life. But most importantly, as selfish as this sounds, I am thinking of how I can be of better service to myself and my Divine self. It’s true what they say, “If mama ain’t happy, aint nobody happy.”

The biggest challenge comes to me this evening, a question asked by my Higher Self, which is You who I write in my blessed journal. I am asked, “Are you really ready to cleanse and purify your spirit?”

Yes.

“Very good. Are you ready to do whatever it takes?”

Yes.

“Are you ready then to let go of your spiritually destructive and poisonous anger to forgive?”

…………………………………………..

This question I ponder. This is the question I feel tormented by. I know what the correct response is but I have to ask myself again, “Am I really ready to let go of this anger and resentment towards her?”

Yes. Yes I am ready.

I sit here and ponder this for a moment and remember my journey that began just before the autumnal equinox that brought me here in this moment, hand to pen, pen to paper. Wow. It really has been a journey from then until now. At Samhain I delved deep into the Shadow land of my soul and the work has been unfolding since then. I realize that I harbored a lot of anger and I wasn’t ready to let it go. I promised at Samhain to try but it was all too new and fresh. I was still very bitter and angry with Teia for her betrayal and instead of helping our family, she managed to fracture it a bit more.

Winter Solstice came in December and a light was reborn within. I let the girls buy her children little token gifts. I suppose that was the beginning of release. Yet I was still angry.

Not angry enough to talk about it anymore every day. Not angry enough so that when it did come up, I wasn’t so excitable and passionate and nearly ready to explode again. No, thankfully that part of me has passed. I was getting tired of myself thinking the same thoughts and say the same angry stuff. Oh thank Goddess for my wonderful friends and sister-priestesses who let me vent! They gave me the space to feel what I needed to feel and say what I wanted to say without judgment. I am truly blessed I am!

Quickening

Yes, it is strange I feel it. Especially over the last couple of days I feel the flames of warmth stirring in that cold, dark dungeon-like chamber in my heart. What a strange feeling! The other day, January 30th, when I learned for certain that she would no longer be living beside me anymore, I was so happy. In fact, I was literally overjoyed at the news. But then over the next day and yesterday I began to feel a little differently. I felt the anger in me begin to dissipate. Today, it seems as if a mighty rock that blocked the entrance to my heart where pure, undiluted love and light reside was finally rolled away.

Brighde’s Fire was melting the ice off my stone cold heart where Teia is concerned. I could feel it happening as my own heart is being filled with so much love, understanding and compassion.

Love and compassion for one I once called friend.

Her moving out is an act of purification from my life and for that I’m grateful. But I realize that while she is moving away from me, she will never be able to move away from herself. She is a lost soul, trapped in the shadow land of her own creation from which she refuses to acknowledge. For the first time, I really understand how much she needs much love and light sent to her. I didn’t want to understand before and even if I could I was too angry to give it.

But I’m not anymore.

Therefore my symbolic and literal act of aligning myself spiritual purification of this seasonal moment is to

Let Go and Forgive

Tomorrow when I set my candles a light, I will bless her, bless her family and send love into her heart, wisdom into her mind and protection around her spirit.

Despite all that has happened and everything that has been said or written about this painful situation, what many people don’t get the opportunity to know about her is that — deep within– She is a brilliantly beautiful soul with a enormous and generous heart. She is greater than she has any idea she could be. But how could she? She operates from the lowest self, controlled by her ego and refuses to face shadows and instead drowns them in alcohol and drama therefore it’s a sight rarely ever seen. But I have seen the beautiful person — I have caught glimpses of her peering out from behind the shadow so I know she exists. It is to her shadow I will send much love and light. For wherever light enters, darkness can not stay; it dissipates. It is to her highest self that my highest speaks with love and acknowledgement of its existence.

In doing this, I know that I not only send love and light where it is most needed, in the heart and soul of one in pain and who I once felt nothing but contempt for, but also so that I might transcend my ego into my Highest Self.

It is my highest Self that wishes her nothing but the deepest healing and love.

And So It Is!

End of Journal Entry

What things do you need to remove from your life, to purify and to make ready for the new seeds you will plant in your Soul-Garden in the Spring?