Discovering Power Through Forgiveness

The night that Hurricane Irma moved through here in south Florida, September 10th,  and we had lost power, I sat reading on my kindle by the open window. I read a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer In Spirit”  in which he spoke of forgiveness and Immaculee Ilibagiza, calling her a living Saint. I had previously bought a book by Immaculee, “Left to Tell“,  for my kindle but I hadn’t read it yet. I had read some of it earlier after watching “The Power of the Heart”, but this time I was re-introduced to her story of survival through the 1994 Rwandan Genocide through “In Spirit” as I previously mentioned. I must admit here and now that I’m so moved by the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza that every time I say her name my eyes well up with tears.

If you’re not familiar with Immaculee, I suggest you read her story or watch a few videos on YouTube of her talking about it. If you’ve watched the movie, “The Power of the Heart”, her story is there as well. If you haven’t watched the movie, I suggest you do so, not just for Immaculee’s story, but for the beautiful and powerful messages contained in the movie.

Immaculee Ilibagiza was in hiding for 91 days with 7 other women in a tiny little secret bathroom (who has secret bathrooms?!) at a pastor’s home. These women hid for their lives as the Hutu people (9 million pop.) hunted the Tutsi people (1 million) and slaughtered them by the masses with machetes. In the end, 800 thousand Tutsi were murdered, including Immaculee’s mother and father and other members of her family. Immaculee survived and came out weighing 65 pounds! She was 5’9!

I can’t even begin to imagine the utter and sheer horror these women faced daily in a tiny bathroom, where they could not make a sound for fear the people in the house would know of their existence. Horrific. But what touched me the most, and what CHALLENGED me (and still does) is after everything she had to suffer and endure, for 91 days in hiding in a tiny bathroom with 7 other women, unbathed ,and nearly starved, was her resolve to FORGIVE the people, the Hutu people who would have seen her dead if they’d have found her! To FORGIVE the Hutu for killing her parents and other family and so many of her people! To FORGIVE them …

” for they know not what they do.”

In that tiny bathroom, Immaculee learned how to be One with the God she wholeheartedly believes in. She learned to see with and through those eyes to find the power from that FORGIVENESS to move on with her life. I sobbed.

I sobbed.

I broke down.

I wept so many tears.

As I read Immaculee’s words, I felt such power moving through me, so much so I clenched my heart. I felt the pain of my own soul crying out. I heard myself asking out loud, “Why do we here have so much hatred for each other?” From today’s issues of White Supremacy to trans-issues (the trans-women who are boldly proclaiming it’s OK to act out violently against women who don’t agree with them!), from religious beliefs to sexual orientation, to class and culture, from gender identification to XXX …

Even deep hatred for our own selves.

The hatred seems to know no bounds in the world today. Especially right here in our hearts. This is where it starts. This is where it can stop. It begins with us taking stock, owning up and understanding this truth.

Red heart.

“I Forgive”

Inspired by Immaculee Ilibagiza’s story of her survival through the Rwandan genocide and her incredible divine power to transform life through forgiveness, I’ve created for myself a journal called “I Forgive”.

If Immaculee Ilibagiza can forgive the people who MURDERED her own parents, surely I can forgive those experiences and people in my life I feel have “done me wrong”, or hurt me in my past from as far back as I can remember, to those I’ve allowed to hurt me in the present day.

I don’t need to hold that anger, ugliness, and pain in my heart. I am only destroying parts of my own heart and denying myself the happiness, joy, health, wealth, and abundance I rightfully deserve, that all human beings deserve.

I’ve done a lot of personal work and letting go over the years but what I’ve come to understand it’s not a “one-time” deal. We can only let go of so much at one time before it loses its meaning and power to “let go”. We can not say, “I let go and forgive everything ever wronged to me” … no, it’s too vague and lacks the power that forgiveness actually has.

We need to be specific.

That’s the hard part, but once named and written, we CAN Forgive it and let it go.

Dare I say it?

“Yes, we can!”

I Forgive

I was surprised at my first entry:

I forgive my mom for not being the kind of mother to me everyone else had growing up. I forgive her for being sick and being unable to care for me and raise me. I forgive her for sending me to Ohio to be raised by her mother and father.” 

I was shocked that when I put the pen to paper those were the first things to come up for me. I was always so close to my mom when she was alive. But apparently, this was something deep within. It was real. Parts of self, my little girl self, had a voice and those were her words. I ended each section (dealing with a person or event & experience) with:

“My Power to Forgive is not a pardon, nor does it extend excuse to what wrong I perceive was done to me. My Power to Forgive is an acknowledgment that the fate of the condition of my own mind, heart, and soul is in my hands. I recognize that I wield the sword of power to Love or Hate and hold it in my whole being. What I choose transforms the Sword I wield and the state of my being and so I choose Forgiveness.  I choose to set myself free. I choose transformation and happiness through the power of Forgiveness which is Love. “

This is what feels right for me.

So far I’ve written up from my childhood to my teen years, my toxic marriage to my abusive ex-husband, Chris, who is, to this day, in total and absolute denial of any wrongdoing on his or his family’s part and blames me for everything as if he wasn’t there and involved at all.

Still, I’ve forgiven him.

And I’m working daily on the part where I send him nothing but love. Right now I send simply nothing but nothing. However, I have forgiven him.  I want to get to a place where I can actually send love. Even if he doesn’t know it, I will know it. But that time is not yet.

Not yet.

To be honest, I am sure I will write, “I forgive Chris for xxx” several more times to come as I’m sure I will with many things. But those things once visited will be forgiven, cleansed and never spoken of again.

I’ve written about my children who, as any parent is likely to know, will take you through it as they grow. Although it may be part of their natural process of transitioning from child to teenager, and often through the early ages of adulthood, it can be quite painful and agonizing.

I have forgiven them.

I’ve written about friendships I’ve let go of this year, friendships that weren’t serving my highest purpose at all. One friend whom I called my sister, a priestess I initiated into the mysteries of women and Goddess, seemed to be only a taker. All she did was take from me, never offering anything in return. She learned from me as I offered freely wisdom teachings, spiritual counsel, etc. and she gave nothing in return. Not even the courage to speak up and stand in her truth when she felt something was wrong, but instead cowardly walk away, saying nothing.

I have forgiven her.

I let it go. Moving on into the pure blissful flow.

Because that’s what Forgiveness does.Forgiveness

I allow whatever comes through and up asking for forgiveness. It’s amazing because as I’ve said before, I’ve done so much personal work and “forgiveness”  I thought I was done. We’re never done. This is ongoing. This is the “Forgiveness Confessional” and should be done daily or at the very least, weekly. I’ve just recently started to write about myself.

This is tough.

I’m forced to look into the mirror of my soul, the things I am seeing there I do not like. They are ugly, and they are painful.  Yet, it’s these very things that I’ve held onto so tightly.

Yet, it’s these very things that I’m holding onto with a death grip as if I can’t let go of them.

But I can. And I will. And I am.

And I will. And I am.

And I am.

I am struggling with it. I feel much resistance to writing certain things that I need forgiveness from my Self for. It’s not for fear if anyone sees, but having to look directly into it, that mirror of my own soul. It’s not about being unable to admit the wrongs I’ve done to other people, which have been plenty. Not that I’m proud of that, but I own it.

For me, it’s admitting what I’ve done to my Self.

Having to sit with a pen to paper and writing out those thoughts, those memories; confessing the horrible sins I’ve done to my own self has been the most difficult. Dealing with simply having to admit my wrong in the first place, the wrong I’ve held onto to punish myself for in a myriad of ways, even unconsciously.

But again I remember I have the Power to Forgive, even myself and most importantly myself! And I’m admitting, I’m writing, and I’m forgiving…

My Self.


The Power of Forgiveness Isn’t For The Weak

If you say you “can’t forgive xxx” then it’s because you choose not to. Like it or not, it’s that simple.

Remember Immaculee Ilibagiza, who forgave the Hutu people who carried out a mass genocide of her people, the Tutsi in Rwanda. Immaculee found the power to Forgive even those individuals who murdered her family and forced her into hiding in a tiny bathroom 7 other women for 91 days with barely enough room to stand.

It is untrue to say you “can’t forgive” because you can. It’s that you instead “won’t forgive” and willingly choose to hold on to that pain, that anger, that hatred, and allow it to eat pieces of your heart and soul up inside.

You have that right.

You have free will.

No one will take it from you but you’d better own that choice.

If you make the choice to be unforgiving and hold on to your pain, your anger, and your hatred, then you should understand fully that you don’t have the right to blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself. 

It’s yours by choice.

Own it.

I would just ask that you really think about the immense power of Forgiveness that is in your hands. You hold it, the Power of it is yours. That Power determines the fate of the condition of your heart, mind, and soul.

May you choose wisely.



More Love Is More Power




Seriously, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. People have such issues with the word power it’s almost taboo to say, “I am a powerful being.” I suppose it’s all a matter of perception, and how the word power makes you feel because of that perception. I’ve never been afraid of that word or intimidated by it to soften it up by having to say, “I am an empowered woman.” No, I like to say that:

“I am a powerful woman.”
” I have the power to create the life I want to live.”
” I have the power to bring my deepest, most passionate desires into being in the here and now.”images


It’s true, at this point in my life, I am stepping into my power, and I feel it flowing through me. What a delicious feeling it is to be standing in this place of power that is mine, and to feel it pulsating through me, and knowing that I hold this power to do and achieve anything I desire with all my heart. I am coming into realizing how powerful I really am, and how much more I can be.


Power is nothing but unrealized potential and raw energy and remains so until you tap into it. Then it becomes active, and used properly can help you achieve whatever your heart desires. It’s such a simple concept, too simple I think, and remains hidden in a cloak of simplicity from those not ready to step into their place of power, and receive it.


I remember at one point I didn’t have much of it, and what I did have I gave away to other people. I was too young, too naive, and scared to stand up in my power, speak my truth. In fact, I didn’t have a truth to speak because I felt I had no place, therefore was I was ignorantly powerless.

Even when I was having my first daughter at the tender age of 18, I was told by her father’s mother to name my baby Jessica. I hated that name as for as far back as I could remember. Jessica. I thought what an ugly name! I hated it. But her father’s mother, a pretty powerful woman in her own right, used her power over me because of course, I let her. I let her because I didn’t recognize I had power of my own and thus, I caved and named my first-born Jessica.


She thought she was in control to the point of even when I went into the nursery to see my baby girl for one of first times I could get out of bed on my own, she tried to prevent me from being near her. Jessica was in one of those incubators where you could put your hands inside to touch her. As I reached in to touch my daughter that I’d given birth too just hours earlier, her grandmother stood over me and in front of all of my friends who were also there to see me and my new-born baby girl, swatted my hand away, telling me to “Leave her alone, let her sleep!”


That’s when what little power in the guise of a “fuck you” out of embarrassment and rebellion inside of me took over and told her to “Back off, I’ll touch MY baby if I want to”. Her interference with my oldest daughter from literally before she was even out of the womb has had a major impact on the relationship between Jessica and I. Over the years I felt powerless to do too much of anything but rebel in a negative fashion which wasn’t healthy for neither my daughter or myself.

But as they say, “That was then, this is now”.

Things are much different. I know what I think I am even though I’m so much more than my mind can fathom. I know that within me, within my Soul is the essence of the Divine Spirit, and that is pure power. For me, that power is Love, the most powerful of all. The Only Power.

Therefore all things that come from it are good.

When I think of power, I think of that Force that once tapped into allows me to stand in it, filling with me with the awareness that I am truly the one who is making my own choices, whether it’s to be miserable, sad, and poverty minded therefore being all those things. Knowing that I have, unconsciously, made those previous choices many times over that left me unhappy, unhealthy, miserable and financially poor.Power


I now make the conscious and deliberate choice to be happy, to be filled with a sense of joy, and ecstasy, to be of a pure blissful mind with the realization is that what is, has already been created–I am no “co-creator” as I’ve created nothing. Rather, I choose to align myself with that specific vibration, to be in a place to receive health, happiness, joy, and experience the bliss of great financial abundance–that is my right. That is the power of my choice, that is my gift, my gift of choice. My awareness of that fact is power.

From that Power that is Love, all things that come from it are good.



This song I’ve posted with lyrics, “More Love, More Power” by Jeff Deyo is a song that really gets to the heart of me. At its heart, it is a Christian song. Although I do not identify as a Christian, I honor, and respect the teachings of Jesus and everything he symbolizes as much as Buddha, Goddess and any other mystic holy teacher. This song speaks so directly into my Soul, of who I am and what I want and need in my life.

More Love, More Power. 

Many times I listen to this song I am filled with such overwhelming emotion I cry. I just let the tears flow out. I don’t just hear music but I feel the intensity of it. I don’t just hear the words, I absorb them, take them into myself like a sponge because these are the affirmations of my world at any given moment. He writes, “More Love, More Power, More of You In My Life”

For Jeff Deyo, that is Jesus. Jesus is Love, Jesus is the Power. For me, it’s Love, it’s Power they are one in the same and everything good and right. This is my Soul’s affirmations in song. I hope you enjoy it as well.

8 Pearls Of Light That Guided Me Through Hell

It’s been some time since I’ve been here to this place, and shared any thoughts and random musings about anything at all. Whew! Well let me tell you I’ve been busy moving through this thing in life we call “change”. I thought about writing a tell-all post about what transpired over the last several months but realized that would make for a longer post than I wanted to write. Further, I don’t want to go backwards mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

But– I also need to purge before I can move on and write the really good stuff. And perhaps in my purging process, how I managed to make my light in the middle of this hell might be of use to someone out there going through their own hell. If it helps even one person other than myself then it is worth it.

The Big Move

After living in our house on Schiller Ave in Akron Ohio for over eight and half years, in the middle to late November of last year, my youngest three daughters and I got rid of everything we had, and what we decided to keep we stored in a 5 x7x8 ft U-Box from U-Haul to have shipped to our destination. What we couldn’t fit in there we packed away in a storage bag-unit and put on top of my little black Chevy Cavalier. What didn’t fit in there, we packed inside and on November 17th, we took off for West Palm Beach, Florida where we now live.

Change Is Good. But It Ain’t Easy!

After a stop in Kentucky to stay the night with a dear friend, Ms. Heather, we arrived here in WPB, November 19th, and stayed with family; a father of which I haven’t seen since the first time I ever met him 20 years ago, and his current wife. It’s been an experience to say the least, and one I’m still not fully recovered from as of yet. It didn’t take long to realize that we had arrived in Casa del infierno, aka the house of hell. After the vacation period ended, about two weeks after our arrival, they dropped their masks of happiness, and instead the real faces of the sad, unhappy, and miserable little trolls we were staying with were revealed.

In fairness, it’s difficult enough for anyone staying with other people, family or friends, and having to get used to their way, their lifestyle, their habits, and ideals especially when they don’t mesh with yours. It’s worse when you’re total strangers living in a strangers house and that stranger just happens to be your father.

Add that stress on top of suddenly being immersed into a whole new Spanish culture and way of life with the expectation that we needed to just instantly adapt. Here we were in the house where there was a patriarch; this may be normal for many people but for me, a single mother who has raised five strong, and independent young women without a masculine figure-head at the forefront of our lives, this was a huge adjustment and shock to deal with.

At first it was nice. It is Florida after all! Instead of spending a winter in the ice and snow we were going to spend it in the sun on the beach! That happiness and enthusiasm didn’t last long. Shortly after the masks dropped, the shit began.  But I won’t go into great detail and list every rotten, passive-aggressive thing they did, just the ones that pissed me off the most. Like purposely not stocking the pantry with staples and eating out every day, just to make the message loud and clear, “We are not going to give food to you and your girls.” 

The Issue of The Food And The Divine Blessing of Friendship.

Since the time we arrived in November, and because we were in someone else’s home, regardless that it was my father, I bought food for the house. I bought things that my daughters enjoy but I also watched and saw what Spanish foods my father and his wife like and bought regularly so I tried to contribute that way. Needless to say, this was not appreciated. Since I bought food and put it in the house for everyone, this gave them one less thing to complain about.

By mid-January and only when my father knew that my finances were almost depleted is when my father decided that my daughters and I could make do with nothing and thus, began to take himself, and his wife out to eat every day, or visit her son, and his wife having lunch daily over there, leaving the pantry bone dry in the house. Although I had been hired in at a hospital in the beginning of January, due the scheduling of orientation and other delays, I wasn’t working yet. It was now February. Thank Goddess for a couple good friends in Ohio, my dear friends-like-family, Gwen and Leezette, and one kind acquaintance in California, named Carolina, who knew the situation, stepped up to help me out. Between the three of them they sent me a few hundred dollars to keep food for the girls until I started my new job a few weeks later. Their generosity is immeasurable. It saved our lives. And to them, I am grateful.

Eternally Grateful

Shortly after that I received an unexpected gift in addition to what my friends sent to me; my 401 K savings from my previous job I left in Ohio. That check arrived in perfect timing allowing us to once again, have a soft cushion of security until we started receiving income. I was able to buy food, and other needed things for the girls and I.

Once I bought food for the girls and I, suddenly my father and his wife stopped eating out, and once again were eating back at the house. Guess what food they were eating? The food I bought from money sent to me from friends. And although this provoked my daughters ire, especially in my 19 yr old, Amaris. I told them, “Let them have it. We pick our battles and this is not the one we want to fight. Not yet.”

Another blessing was Amaris started her job at a restaurant in late January and was making very decent tips, anywhere from $70 to $150 a night. It was that money that she put in an envelope named “Argante Fund” –this was not her money, she said, but ours, as a family. We needed to do with what we had to to keep from having to deal with them. Our uniforms, shoes, and anything else we needed was bought with that “Argante Fund” money. My father and his wife saw us coming and going with items, clothes (uniforms) as well as Amaris would bring food home at night when she left the restaurant and complained to their border that we had “all this money” and didn’t give them even a little bit.

Why would we? We needed “all that money” to do what we had to do, and to get out of that house. And had he not been such an asshole, maybe I might have offered to give him something out of respect. But he lost any respect I might have pretended to have when he chose to treat my daughters and me the way he did. My only mission was to get out of that house while keeping my peace of mind, and not turn into a person like them.

We stopped buying food and putting in the house. If we did buy food, non-perishables, they were left in our trunk of the car as storage and taken out when needed, or left in our small, cramped shared bedroom. My girls and I, we were and still are a team. They couldn’t break our spirit, no matter how hard they tried.

They didn’t like that at all.

Yeah, It Was Hell

It went from the food thing to turning off the central air units, claiming we broke it because we went in and out of the house, to turning off the washing machine from the inside the washer itself so we couldn’t use it to wash not even our work clothes; to not speaking to us for months, or introducing us to company or other family;  to pulling a fuse for the ceiling fan, turning off the internet so my daughter couldn’t do schoolwork, to hiding remote controls to televisions telling my girls what they could and could not watch in that house, to limiting our use of water in the shower.

Nothing was ever said about any of this as they did it. Can we say passive-aggressive? They just did it and acted as if they did nothing at all and if confronted with it, would absolutely deny it 100%. They were guiltless and it was everyone else who did them wrong. My father, the martyr, who gives his heart and soul to people and everyone else just shits on him!

Poor, poor daddy. Yeah, right. pfft!

So How Did I Deal With It All?

Obviously it wasn’t easy at all. There were many, many days I cried, and thought, “Why did I bring my daughters and I to this nightmare?!” But those were temporary lapses of reason. Once I cried it was O.K. I would let common sense, and the teachings of my Spirit guide me on how to deal with it all. When I thought of what it was that I did that helped me most, it came down to 8 things I did on the regular. These things were my guiding lights through the darkness.

1. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

*This is the second agreement of The Four Agreements by don Miguel Luiz, and the one that was most important, and challenging to me during this time which is why I share it here now.

First I tried very hard not to take any of this personal because I could see that they are both just sad, lonely, miserable people and everything they do is not about other people but about themselves. Despite everything they did, I tried very hard to see the Divinity in them, for after all, we are made up celestial DNA, star-borne we all are so there has to be some good in them somewhere. I tried to find it and focus on that.

It was challenging, it was difficult and almost impossible. For when you caught a glimmer of radiant starlight within them, it was over taken by the black soul-sucking hole like energy that surrounds them. Their negativity is larger than who they are, and so much so you almost want to feel pity for them, and you probably would if you weren’t too busy getting out of their way so your own soul wasn’t sucked up their vortex of toxicity.

I told myself over and over this old adage, “This too shall pass.” And it did. It seemed like a lifetime before it did but it did pass because all things come, and all things go. This was no different.

2) Prayer

When you’re stuck in a tunnel of suffocating darkness, you must try to remember that no matter what, there is light at the end of that tunnel even if you don’t see it. In the meantime, until you see that light, you must create your own to guide your way. How do you do this? I did it through prayer, and lots of it.

I prayed for the light of love to be with my daughters and I, to fill the house, and my father and his wife’s withered, and shriveled up blackened hearts with the love they so desperately need. It was hard to pray for the best for them when it seemed all they wanted was the worst for us but I allowed the wisdom of my heart to guide me, to show me the way, and I followed. Ego be damned!

Prayer became my best friend. The more shit my father and his wife dealt out the harder I prayed for goodness and tranquility to wash over the situation, the house and for love to fill their withering, black hearts. It would have been easy to wish them hell but I knew they were already suffering. No person who isn’t suffering and miserable would ever act towards their own family the way my father and his wife acted towards us.

3) Focus Only On The Positive

You must remember to focus only on that which is positive and good. The law of attraction is here at work so whatever you focus on you will receive more of. This is where strength, determination and courage are important allies that will carry you through. Nothing is so important that costs you your soul.  I fell back on everything I knew, all of my teachings, and understanding of the law of attraction. I knew if I was going to create a place of peace and light I needed to focus on that peace and light, I needed to be that peace and light, even if that light was a fire at times that burned intensely, as long as that fire pushed us forward that’s all that mattered.

4) Practice Gratitude

When it seems the worst is when we must be the most grateful. When we feel like we have nothing else to give is when we must reach deep within and find an ounce of gratitude and let that lead us. Gratitude comes from the heart, it can’t be faked, and it is the brightest light that will lead us out from the dark into our own.

meesheeWhen things were bad, which was almost everyday, I would wake up and see my girls, and with an open heart full of love and gratitude I’d give thanks I had them with me, and they were safe, and healthy. Gratitude. I would get up, go outside and sit at the table with my phone, my notebook and a pen, often greeted by the neighborhood kitten called Meeshee. Gratitude.

I’d take time to notice my surroundings, and everything around me; the beautiful palm tree that had plenty of giant coconuts ready to fall; the awesome mango tree that was ripe, and heavy with juicy fruit, ready to give to the receiver. The pineapple and wild strawberry growing in the yard, and all of my step-mother’s incredible lush green aloe plants and tropical flowers.  I noticed the birds singing and the little lizards and gecko running about or crawling on my chair. I would look out and up and see the small puffs of transparent white clouds that dotted the sunny, blue clear skies. This is what I focused on. Gratitude.

Gratitude Is Everything

Despite everything else that was going on, the reality was that we were safe, dry, we had a place to stay, a roof over our head, a warm, decent bed to sleep in. All four of us were working and making money to move out of there. We were not out on the street, homeless, begging for a right to a crust of bread or a bottle of water; we had that and more. So we had to deal with some pretty messed up things along the way, the fact is it wasn’t the worst I’d ever experienced. In fact, it was more of major annoyance than anything, and I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. And it didn’t. This is what I focused on. Gratitude. I continued to create my light by focusing on that which was good, and for everything I could be grateful for.

5) Venting

A big saving grace was having someone to talk to about all of this that was going on. I have a few good friends who, although were all back in Ohio, and elsewhere, they were there for me holding space, letting me vent, curse, holler and work this out. It was heavy talking to me at times because the situation we were in was heavy, suffocating, and toxic. But my friends, the ones that truly matter, and love me kept holding space for me, they were there for me to let me vent, to let me work it out in whatever way I could no matter how difficult, and heavy things may have been. Especially my sister-priestess, Soul-Sister Amanda. She was my rock. I love them all more than they know. Gratitude. 


The moment something bad happened, instinctively we want to cuss, yell or cry out, “Damn it!” or some other colorful eff word. I decided to try to train myself to react by automatically thinking of everything and anything I could be grateful (Gratitude)for, or even laugh about. It was hard but it became easier as I kept on trying. And in the trying took my focus from whatever was going on and into the moment of my trying. That was the only thing I focused on and it saved me many, many times. And yes, there were times when things were so bad, and so stupid the only thing I could do was laugh. Laughter is good for the mind, body, and soul.

7) Beach Therapy

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

–Isak Dinesen

And of course, there’s was beach therapy. Lots of wonderful and healing beach therapy.  There were many days I went and sat on the beach, and stared out for what seemed like thousands of miles while I dug my toes in the sand, and just watched the waves come crashing in. I would mentally, and sometimes physically, send my sorrows back out letting the ocean mama take it all back into her, to be renewed again. Not everyone has a beach to run off too, in fact, before we moved here to Florida we didn’t have a beach to run off to either but we did have beautiful park systems with a river running through it. If you aren’t lucky enough to have a river near by, there is always your bath tub. Create a serene environment, adding sea salt or epsom salt to your bath, light candles, burn relaxing incense, calming reiki or jazz music, or whatever relaxes you and just. let. go.

beach8) Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, for your soul not someone else. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone the objectionable behavior, and hurtful actions towards you. It does mean, however, that you will not be held prisoner by your own angry, and hurt emotions so you forgive and let live and let go.

And so every time the pettiness of my father began to affect us, I forgave. When I wanted to go ballistic, scream, and yell, I forgave with same intensity that I was stressed.

I remembered to try not to take it personal, to find something positive to focus on, and to look around me wherever I was then, and be grateful. Only in the center of my gratitude could I find the place inside my heart to forgive. And I forgave. 

And then I forgot. I forgot about the problems, the house, and most importantly, I forgot about them!

The Outcome

This is how dealt with and survived hell in that house. As of May 14th, we officially moved into our own condo, and cut off all communications with my father, his wife, and the rest of his family. Since then my daughters and I have been pretty much at peace. The distance between my father and I is about as far as it ever was when I lived in Ohio, over a thousand miles away, and worlds apart. I have no regrets, and I am content with that.

We are moving forward in a positive way, and we can honestly say we are going to give Florida a chance, from the place we are now, and not the place we were when we first arrived. We are living in Florida now when before we were just staying here. Now we can be open to see what all it has to offer us without the stress, and negativity of being in the toxic environment of my father’s house.

Whatever happens, I have my three beautiful, intelligent and courageous  daughters, and together we’ll get through anything.  One of the most important confirmations I gained from this experience among the many lessons is that we, my daughters and I, have always been the close and loving family we needed. Now we are only closer.  How much more blessed can we be?!

Until next time,

Love, Beauty & Magick,


Thank you for reading. If you liked it, please share it! I invite to leave comments and feedback below as well. Thank you so much.



Only Love. That’s All.


 “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” ―Blaise Pascal

Seasons come and seasons go and several seasons of silence have come and went since I’ve taken a moment to share the whisperings of my soul. It’s not that I haven’t  been listening to the wisdom that my soul shares with me but rather that I wasn’t ready to share it. I wrote this piece about 8 or 9 months ago inspired by a journey of Enchanted Love I found myself falling in only a year earlier before that.

Soul Twins
Soul Twins

I was swirling and swooshing in an ocean of cosmic energy this Enchanted Love created at the point of when I was moved to initially write this. I tried to share it then but the knowing within me wouldn’t allow it. So I didn’t. I read it over and I just knew it wasn’t time to share. I realized I had written it all for me. Whether I wanted it or not, I definitely needed it to take the time to contemplate it, understand it, integrate and assimilate the wisdom my soul had to share with me. Now though, although I am still floating in this great fantastic sea of Enchanted Love, (never to see dry land again!) I feel moved to share with you here, the whisperings of my soul.


The experience that led me to write on this topic in the first place has been and continues to be a deeply profound, mystical and an intricately delicate unfolding discovery on a soul level.  Earlier this month, after two-in-a-half years since it all began, I finally came face to face in-the-flesh with the One, my Enchanted Lover, and that experience has forged an understanding into my being, seared an eternal knowing on my heart that has forever changed me for the better. It is this understanding and knowing, far beyond romantic love, that is my own and that I’m sharing with all of you Radiant Souls here. Naturally of course, with Love.


This Thing Called Love. What Is It?



I have never thought that I would write a post asking the question “What is Love?”  Why would I want to? Our greatest minds and philosophers through the ages have pondered and attempted to answer or simply contemplated and shared their thoughts and views on perhaps one of the greatest questions in life so really, why would I want to add my little insignificant thirteen cents into the mix?

Because like so many of us, love has captured, entranced and spellbound me too. I want to share what my discovery and understanding of love in general, especially romantic love, is at this point in my journey has revealed to me so far.


I know there are people who want love so much so they are willing to do anything to get it. And I mean anything, even depreciating themselves just to touch it. Yet, there are others who don’t believe love would come to them if they drew Love a map to their heart and gave Her a flashlight to find her way in the dark! And then there are those who are as afraid of opening their heart to Love as most of us are afraid of death. Death can come at any time at any place and there is not stopping it.  And yet Love is something many people believe they can manipulate, control even wish for and make happen.

How wrong they are!

So then, what is love? The reality is no one really knows for sure but everyone thinks they have a clue. Yet the moment you try to define it, it becomes limited, at least how it will manifest itself and be recognized by the person setting the limits. Love is a constant indescribable force but if you think you know what it is and it presents itself to you in some other way not expected, it can really knock you off your feet!


“Love is the heartbeat of the universe, the glue, the thread, fabric, and force that holds it all together. Love is the eternal. The eternal is love. Nothing lasts forever except that which is eternal, and that is Love.”

My experience and observations have led me to my current belief, whether or not we experience love is according to our own views, ideas, and perceptions of it. I think that perhaps it’s true, that maybe for many of us who have been waiting, looking and wanting love desperately that love may have been (and still may be) in our face for some time but because our ideas of what we think and believe love to be has caused us to miss the magic carpet ride. How so? Because  love may have walked right in, tapped us on the shoulder and whispered our name but because of the expectations and ideas we hold to what we believe love is, we don’t recognize the current attire  love may be wearing because we expect it to be wearing a different pair of shoes, jacket, and tie. Maybe even driving a Porsche. unexpectedLove

We must let go of our ideas of what we think and believe “love is” because Love is like God. Indescribable. Limitless. Unfathomable on the whole of everything. Everywhere and no one place at once; uncontrollable, can not be captured but only given and received; touches lives and changes everything. Infinite, eternal, beyond total comprehension.

“Love is God”


But we know when we finally awaken to the experience of it. We know when love has touched the center of our being. And we are changed forever.


Death & Love

It’s believed by some, myself included, that death is not an end, but rather it is the deepest consciousness of the soul. To experience the deepest of all consciousness we leave the physical world behind

Love, however, is a consciousness experienced by the living. But Love is the eternal therefore, I questioned,  it must be experienced in death as well. This so-called deepest of consciousnesses is the final mystery and experience that takes place only when we travel through the corridors of the conscious mind, passing through the gateway from waking consciousness to the vast nothingness on the other side we call death. But this is not the end. Only a new beginning.

Light Of Love


Thinking of this It made me think of all the people who’ve had near-death experiences and almost all of them who’ve had this experience say they felt like they were surrounded in this brilliant, white light and were overwhelmed with a feeling of such intense LOVE  it was indescribable to them! Ecstasy and bliss beyond incredible and more amazing than anything they ever felt in the waking conscious physical world.


This perplexed me and yet caused me to pause and consider this for a while.  I began to think then that perhaps the deepest of all consciousness is not death but Love. Therefore making the light in which was seen, felt and experienced by those who had a near-death experience is Love and it is this Love that is only reached beyond the consciousness of death. Therefore making Love the deepest of the deep of all consciousness.  It is a total and complete return to our origin: Love.


“Love is the ultimate force and breath of creation, the fabric and thread that weaves the entire universe, Death is then but a doorway that leads to the deepest of all consciousness and that is Love. From Love we are born and to Love we will return because Love is all there is.”


When I look at it from this perspective, death is not an end but a gateway to the beginning of the soul’s most incredible experience of Love in the continuum, the blissful happily ever after. Although the physical, conscious experience of love appears to end, the experience has only deepened to unknowable depths and lives on in eternity, in forever.

Transcending Love

So my final-for-now thought of love is this:

Love transcends all things; time, space, race, distance and age. Love is the needle, the thread and the weaver that weaves the fabric from which all hearts are made. Love is the fabric of the universe.

“Love is a permeating light flowing everywhere, in everything and everything is Love, therefore no one is without love but rather always in-love, surrounded by Love because Love is all there is.”

There is nothing that exists outside the realm of this cosmic, ever unfolding and flowing forth universe which is Love in and of itself, a constant giving, birthing and bursting forth and changing everything it touches, therefore changing itself. There is nothing to compare it to because it is all there is. Only Love.


And the great mystery is that Love is all there is.
Only Love.


~ May the wisdom of my soul resonate and speak to you on some level. May it give you a bit of hope, some peace but most of all, shine a light on you to remind you that you are never without Love. Ever.

In Love, Beauty, and Truth,


Every Ending Holds The Seed Of A New Beginning


Today I remember and honor those beloved beings who passed through the veil this year and before: my ancestors, my family and those whom I called friends. I remember them with a deep and gentle, kind love and honor the sacred memory of those who loved me, danced with me, laughed with me and cried with me and even fought with me.  I remember and filled with deepest gratitude for the experience of knowing them and how their lives affected and changed mine for the better, I honor them this day.

I honor those precious gifts of light in my life today by celebrating the darkness.

Today I also honor other types of smaller deaths; although not physical deaths they are a type of deaths, passing away and releases all the same. With these smaller deaths,  I let go and say farewell to situations that have been completed; to the relationships, habits and attitudes in my life that hold me back from and are no longer serving my highest good. I acknowledge and accept that I will experience more of these types of small deaths and farewells throughout my lifetime and as frightening and as challenging as they might be, I declare that I will not be afraid. For in every ending holds the seed of a new beginning. All things must die, yet all things are born again. Everything passes and everything changes. The seeds that fall from the fruit become the fruit; the fruit also becomes the seed.


Persephone, the maiden who ventured into the Underworld did eat of the seeds of the pomegranate and so was bound to return from the world of the living in an endless cycle of life and death and rebirth. So we too live, die and are reborn (change form). In this sense, there is no death but only life because death is life that simply changes form into the deepest of all consciousness, knowing the most sacred of all mysteries which is eternal peace and love.

In honor of Persephone and the sacred mysteries, we too shall take up the pomegranate and eat of the fruit of death in remembrance for it is death that gives us life; it is this great gift that gives our lives meaning, that makes us appreciate and value life.  It is death that makes us want to live a life worth living.

Death is an ending but not the end. Death does not take away without giving something back. There is no ending without a new beginning and that is a precious gift of death; the promise of new hope and new life. Death and Life are One; they are the light and dark of the same energy. They are the “Alpha and Omega” , the beginning and the end at once. With life there is the promise of death and with death comes the promise of new life. They are reflections of the other, never separate, always walking hand in hand as One. Where one leads the other must follow. This is the way it has always been and shall ever be.

Blessed Be Your Samhain.

In Light and Darkness,


Desire, Choice and Experience: It’s What Life is Made of

I posted this earlier today as a “note” on Facebook. It started out as a simple status message but turned into a wee bit longer than that. So I share it here now as well. ~

argantecosmicThe soul is eternal and never-ending. We are souls in physical form, this is our now experience. And still yet, in the physical, our soul desires more experience, that of the “The All”. We, at our core of existence, are eternal, creative beings being powerful creators. As such we must become aware of and accept that we, creative creators that are, constantly creating, weaving, shaping, bending and molding, fashion and create our own experiences and our own realities. Yes, it is we, not “God” but yes, all God who is ALL things including we, the creative creators, one with God, or the Universe, who create the experience of wars, suffering, disease, death and destruction just as much as we, the creative creators that are, constantly creating, weaving, shaping, bending and molding, fashion and create the experience of absolute, pure divine love, joy, bliss, harmony and peace. As long as there is that which we call desire, we creative creators, mortal beings with eternal souls craving the experience of “The All” will want and be compelled to move towards something bigger than ourselves. Because we desire, we will fight and go to war over what we want with others who want the same thing and yet, because of desire, we will create new and amazing love and joy filled experiences that enrich and immerse our mortal creative lives in the wonder, magic and the beauty of life. Desire is the essence of life. It is a longing “to be”, “to exist” and it drives us into experiencing experiences that let us know we are alive.

We are powerful creators that create experiences from what we know, from what we are consciously aware of. “All is All”, it is NOT “One or the Other” or “Only This” or “Only That” and it is not “Some more than the Other”. “All is All”. It is not all Love nor is it all absence of Love; it is not all light nor is it all dark. “All is All” and it is the desire of our soul to seek and experience All of it, that which is “All”. The experiences in our lives are the experiences that we, the creative creators that are constantly creating, weaving, shaping, bending and molding, fashion and create are experiences that come from our own choice. Every one of them. Yes, it is true. We really are that powerful.

Crazy Wisdom

Last night while laying across my bed and reading “Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper: Gifting the World with Your Words and Stories, and Creating the Time and Energy to Actually Do It” by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy also known as SARK, I was grappling with something I did earlier in the day. I was trying to understand why I reacted in the way that I did.

So, as SARK says, “…write about how you feel in that moment…” so I picked up my pen and notebook and began writing . As I let the juicy ink flow from my pen to that thirsty paper, I realized something. I realized that my reaction was one that came from a place of fear and not love that I like to think I try so hard to align myself with.

I realized that was my other issue. That I try so hard. I realized that I have yet to surrender myself over to God (which is simply “love” to me)  and let things unfold the way that they need to in my life. But I keep trying. I’m trying instead of doing. I thought I had surrendered and maybe to a certain extent I actually had but–and there is that but–I apparently never let go with one hand and used it to pull myself back into the same old fear-centered place and have been working from there while knowing I need to be operating from a place of love.

Back Story

In order to explain what I am talking about I need to share a little back-story. I’ve been a long time Goddess spirituality workshop and circles facilitator for women. Late summer, I decided that I needed to step back from it for a while as my life has been going in a whole new direction. So much so that I was not able to dedicate the time, energy and focus I needed to put together the Goddess circles and give my time and attention whole-heartedly to the women who could benefit from them. I knew then as I know now that my call to service is a different one and in a whole new capacity that will reach many more people around the world and so I thought it was best that I focus on what was currently happening in my life. While I still know this is my path, I’ve also heard “the call” to return to service in the capacity that I’m familiar with.

The Goddess-Sister Circle.

But my problem was that I didn’t want to dedicate that much time to doing this work. Any sister-priestess out there who facilitates these circles knows the time and energy that goes into having something meaningful and with purpose –it isn’t just a simple gather and spontaneously there is Goddess energy that takes over. I know that some teach that but I’m not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal. Not when it comes to this sacred work. Sometimes though, it happens. Anyway, I needed to reconcile my differences with what I was being called back to do with what I really wanted to do.

The Solution?

Goddess Workshop or how I like some women refer to call them, “playshops”.  Better yet, “Bliss-shop”

So I decided that this would work for me. I could put together a multi-series playshop based on Goddess archetypal energy and how to use it to empower ourselves as women. I already have a class I taught with Goddess in the Chakra’s and their archetypes, both positive and negative that could also turn into a seven week workshop vs the seven months we did in the an intimate setting of a circle of women in temple space. Ideas just pouring forth in a way that will let me serve Goddess, her women and community with deep and meaningful purpose and not constrict me of my time and energy.

Anyway, I decided on doing first the Goddess archetypes and empowerment playshop and was online gathering up some additional resources. While I did I came across this Melbourne, Australia based site called “Goddess Playshops”

Sounds just like my cup-of-tea. It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time in one way or another. I went through the site checking it out and thought about how it would be groovy to go to one of their playshops. But alas, Australia is a far way to go to attend a Goddess Circle! But then I saw the link that said facilitators and when I hovered my mouse over it, it said “Find One” so I thought, “Hey, maybe there will be one here. That might be cool”

I clicked it.

Whoa! I was stunned. Surprised. In fact, I was utterly shocked.

Yes, in fact there was one in the United States. In Ohio even and still, Akron area where I live. Even more so, the facilitator is a woman I personally know and very well.

I reacted first with a great burst of laughter. “Was this an effing joke? Really? Her?! OMG! This CAN’T be right? This woman is a total wack-a-doo!” I immediately posted a status message on Facebook of laughter and disgust. I even posted the link to her profile on the Goddess Playshop website laughing hysterically about it. After about 20 minutes I realized that was not reflective of the woman I really am and so I deleted it.

I text a friend with whom I am very close to and whom I share a great deal with and telling her about it. I told a few other people who actually know her too and we just were astonished and laughing and stunned.

This woman leading and guiding women to empowerment? Really? My mind just went over it many times, completely flabbergasted. I know this woman personally as I said. She is still a victim herself and wears her badges proudly of being a “Sexual Abuse Survivor” —according to her, she’s been raped 22 times and at last count, the last time I saw her, when she was at my house for two weeks in July of 2008, she claimed that her her young daughter, who was 5 at the time, had been molested about 6 or 10 times as well. During her stay here, the daughter also supposedly “remembered” being molested again by one of my own family members even! This woman’s issues have become her daughters issues. She lives as though she and her daughter are one person instead of two. It is very sad.

She’s bi-polar and a recovering crack-addict and to her credit, she managed to thus-far over come her addiction and earn her BA in psychology. (FYI: She is very open about this and will talk about it if she is asked) But since I’ve known her, since 2004, she’s flipped from Goddess spirituality to Jesus more times than I can count. For a time she’s all about Goddess then when something she can’t handle happens to her, she flips out and tosses or purges every Goddess item she has and “goes back to Jesus”. Until her next episode. She goes on and on about she and her daughter being a “sexual abuse survivors” telling anyone who will listen her sad, sad stories. Once, while here during a Sabbat ritual, she was telling the entire group about how she and her four year old daughter were sexually molested repeatedly. It was very embarrassing and very sad.

I mention these few things because one, it’s some of my own real-life personal experiences of her and two, on her own profile on the Goddess Playshops website, she’s announcing publicly that’s she’s a victim. It’s all beside the main point really as I needed to give a background because it leads me to where discovering this on my search to gather information taught me something about myself yesterday.

Behavior Check

Why was I bothered by her? Why did seeing her name listed as a Goddess Playshop facilitator make me react the way that it did? I almost said “Screw this, I’m not going to do these when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid.”

Was I jealous? No. Jealous is wanting something someone has that you do not. I’ve been teaching Goddess Spirituality for years. This was not it.

Was I still mad at her for being the energy and psychic vampire that she is and all the insane drama she caused in the past? Perhaps. But I’ve learned to let go of so much of the past that it had to be more than this that caused me to react and feel the way I did.

What was seeing her and knowing this trying to teach me about myself? What was this reflecting back to me?


It was reflecting my own deep-seated and rooted fear. Yes, I had thought momentarily, “Screw this, I’m not going to do these (Goddess  circles/worshops) when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid,” and almost decided to forget it all but I decided to forge ahead with the workshop ideas because I’m not that weak. I realized though it wasn’t crazy on the outside I wanted to avoid and feared.

It was crazy on the inside.

She frightens me. Her crazy frightens me.  I realized it’s because I’ve always been afraid that she is what I might become.

Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.
Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.

Going Back A Little Further

I was raised by my mother’s grandparents because my own mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and was unable to raise me. She spent most of my life in and out of mental hospitals. I seen my mother have nervous-breakdowns more times than I care to count. Being a young child watching your mother being dragged off by police and ambulance is something that sort of sticks with you somewhere in the back of your mind apparently. The neighbors saw this and their kids were not allowed to play with me because my mom had issues. This too does something to your self-esteem as a young child hearing from your friends, “I’m sorry we’re not allowed to play with you because you know, your mommy is crazy.”

Through the years I thought I’d gotten over these fears but apparently I have not. I had always heard, “The gene runs in the family” or “It can get you at any time” which, I know that if schizophrenia hasn’t displayed itself by the age of 24 it’s not going to. At least this is what studies and doctors say. So this is apparently always in the back of my mind and this woman is a reminder of that. And with the course of this year being described as ‘crazy’ and magical and wild, I’ve thought many times “Am I going crazy?” because of the deep mystical experiences I’ve had and continue to have as well as the mundane fantastic things happening and unfolding in my life.

It feels at times, cray-cray.

I started thinking about this former friend and the fact that she wears her past experiences as a badge of honor and pride saying “Look at me, I’m a survivor, hear me roar!”  only says to the warrior in me how pathetic and sad she is. I noticed how easy it was to anger at her and how I had little to no compassion for the reasoning behind her attention seeking ways and slinging around the whole sexual abuse survivor story. In fact, it pissed me off when she was a part of my life as she constantly drained me for my attention and energy telling me she ‘needed’ my strength. If I’m going to be real about it just seeing the whole “I’m a sexual abuse survivor” still pisses me off now.

I have survived sexual abuse. Many women have. I was a child, not on crack turning tricks for it and later claiming it was rape. Perhaps this is what makes me angry at her inside. I have survived child abuse at the hands of my grandmother. I survived domestic violence and abuse at the hands of my ex- husband. But I am not a victim and while I survived those things, I’m not a survivor of them.

Those things that happened to me do not in anyway shape or form define who I am. I am not those experiences. Yes, they happened and they were bad but they were experiences I had –they never were and never will be me. It is true that because of those experiences, as unfortunate as they were, I was caused to learn a great deal about myself and who I am, my strength and my own potential but it is through our experiences that we do so. Not by clinging on to them, letting them define us and who we are or who we have the potential to be.  We are all continuously learning because of the things, both good, wonderful and bad that happen to us. They all are gifts and have something to offer us if we are willing to be open to receive.

No matter what we’ve been through, we are not our experiences nor should we let our experiences define who we are now or who will be in the future. We should honor them, good or bad because we all got something from them that should help make us better people and reaching further to that place of love and potential within ourselves. It’s been said many times over in many ways and it is true now— We are so much more than what we believe we are or any experience that we’ve ever had.

What else did I learn? That perhaps maybe my faith in the Divine isn’t as strong as I thought it was. It’s definitely something for me to consider or think about.

Who am I really to question whether or not this woman, regardless of what I know about her, is ‘fit’ to lead other women to Goddess?  Who am I to know whether or not through her own experiences, imagined or real that she might not have something to offer women? How do I know that this course work didn’t help her finally step into her own divine Goddess power? I don’t. When we encounter Goddess energy and we allow it to move through our lives we are changed. There’s no guess work about that.

 “She changes everything She touches, Everything She touches Changes”

I realized that if this woman took the course to be a Goddess Playshop facilitator and actually did the work and met the Goddess Within, then she would be changed or at least, in a position to know her own weaknesses and build her strength so that she might be able to, with the right tools, be able to help others.

My reaction should have been more one of “How wonderful this is! Perhaps the Divine Feminine is moving through Her life and has brought her to a place of emotional, spiritual and mental wellness” —never mind that her biography still has her purporting herself as a victim. I shouldn’t have given it much more thought than being thankful that Goddess is everywhere and in everyone and working her magic in the ways she sees fit.

Strange Teachers

The irony is that while I have avoided this woman like the plague, cut her out of my life like a malignant tumor and whom I laughed at and reacted so poorly when I first saw her name listed as a Goddess Playshops facilitator is that she  had something deep to teach me. And that lesson was that I’m still fearful of complete surrender to Love; that I still cling to the realm of operating from a place of fear. And because of this, my actions and reactions aren’t speaking the truth of the place of Love where I long to stay. I don’t want to be just a visitor to this place of Love within myself. I want to be an eternal resident, in this life and beyond. I realize I need to move closer to surrender of all things, not just some. So yes, this woman I feared and rejected has had something to teach me after all. It may have been indirect and she is not aware of it, but all the same it was because of seeing her picture, her name and description that set me off deep into myself to learn more about who I am now and who I long to be. In fact, it not only taught me a thing or two but it also inspired me with ideas in which I can take this Goddess playshop I am putting together to a whole new and deeper, powerful and meaningful  level.

Nothing is by accident. There are no coincidences. Everything truly happens for a reason. We just have to step back, listen and it’ll come to us.

Websites to Visit:

Goddess Playshops

SARK’s website at Planet SARK