Tag Archive | Magick

8 Pearls Of Light That Guided Me Through Hell

It’s been some time since I’ve been here to this place, and shared any thoughts and random musings about anything at all. Whew! Well let me tell you I’ve been busy moving through this thing in life we call “change”. I thought about writing a tell-all post about what transpired over the last several months but realized that would make for a longer post than I wanted to write. Further, I don’t want to go backwards mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

But– I also need to purge before I can move on and write the really good stuff. And perhaps in my purging process, how I managed to make my light in the middle of this hell might be of use to someone out there going through their own hell. If it helps even one person other than myself then it is worth it.

The Big Move

After living in our house on Schiller Ave in Akron Ohio for over eight and half years, in the middle to late November of last year, my youngest three daughters and I got rid of everything we had, and what we decided to keep we stored in a 5 x7x8 ft U-Box from U-Haul to have shipped to our destination. What we couldn’t fit in there we packed away in a storage bag-unit and put on top of my little black Chevy Cavalier. What didn’t fit in there, we packed inside and on November 17th, we took off for West Palm Beach, Florida where we now live.

Change Is Good. But It Ain’t Easy!

After a stop in Kentucky to stay the night with a dear friend, Ms. Heather, we arrived here in WPB, November 19th, and stayed with family; a father of which I haven’t seen since the first time I ever met him 20 years ago, and his current wife. It’s been an experience to say the least, and one I’m still not fully recovered from as of yet. It didn’t take long to realize that we had arrived in Casa del infierno, aka the house of hell. After the vacation period ended, about two weeks after our arrival, they dropped their masks of happiness, and instead the real faces of the sad, unhappy, and miserable little trolls we were staying with were revealed.

In fairness, it’s difficult enough for anyone staying with other people, family or friends, and having to get used to their way, their lifestyle, their habits, and ideals especially when they don’t mesh with yours. It’s worse when you’re total strangers living in a strangers house and that stranger just happens to be your father.

Add that stress on top of suddenly being immersed into a whole new Spanish culture and way of life with the expectation that we needed to just instantly adapt. Here we were in the house where there was a patriarch; this may be normal for many people but for me, a single mother who has raised five strong, and independent young women without a masculine figure-head at the forefront of our lives, this was a huge adjustment and shock to deal with.

At first it was nice. It is Florida after all! Instead of spending a winter in the ice and snow we were going to spend it in the sun on the beach! That happiness and enthusiasm didn’t last long. Shortly after the masks dropped, the shit began.  But I won’t go into great detail and list every rotten, passive-aggressive thing they did, just the ones that pissed me off the most. Like purposely not stocking the pantry with staples and eating out every day, just to make the message loud and clear, “We are not going to give food to you and your girls.” 

The Issue of The Food And The Divine Blessing of Friendship.

Since the time we arrived in November, and because we were in someone else’s home, regardless that it was my father, I bought food for the house. I bought things that my daughters enjoy but I also watched and saw what Spanish foods my father and his wife like and bought regularly so I tried to contribute that way. Needless to say, this was not appreciated. Since I bought food and put it in the house for everyone, this gave them one less thing to complain about.

By mid-January and only when my father knew that my finances were almost depleted is when my father decided that my daughters and I could make do with nothing and thus, began to take himself, and his wife out to eat every day, or visit her son, and his wife having lunch daily over there, leaving the pantry bone dry in the house. Although I had been hired in at a hospital in the beginning of January, due the scheduling of orientation and other delays, I wasn’t working yet. It was now February. Thank Goddess for a couple good friends in Ohio, my dear friends-like-family, Gwen and Leezette, and one kind acquaintance in California, named Carolina, who knew the situation, stepped up to help me out. Between the three of them they sent me a few hundred dollars to keep food for the girls until I started my new job a few weeks later. Their generosity is immeasurable. It saved our lives. And to them, I am grateful.

Eternally Grateful

Shortly after that I received an unexpected gift in addition to what my friends sent to me; my 401 K savings from my previous job I left in Ohio. That check arrived in perfect timing allowing us to once again, have a soft cushion of security until we started receiving income. I was able to buy food, and other needed things for the girls and I.

Once I bought food for the girls and I, suddenly my father and his wife stopped eating out, and once again were eating back at the house. Guess what food they were eating? The food I bought from money sent to me from friends. And although this provoked my daughters ire, especially in my 19 yr old, Amaris. I told them, “Let them have it. We pick our battles and this is not the one we want to fight. Not yet.”

Another blessing was Amaris started her job at a restaurant in late January and was making very decent tips, anywhere from $70 to $150 a night. It was that money that she put in an envelope named “Argante Fund” –this was not her money, she said, but ours, as a family. We needed to do with what we had to to keep from having to deal with them. Our uniforms, shoes, and anything else we needed was bought with that “Argante Fund” money. My father and his wife saw us coming and going with items, clothes (uniforms) as well as Amaris would bring food home at night when she left the restaurant and complained to their border that we had “all this money” and didn’t give them even a little bit.

Why would we? We needed “all that money” to do what we had to do, and to get out of that house. And had he not been such an asshole, maybe I might have offered to give him something out of respect. But he lost any respect I might have pretended to have when he chose to treat my daughters and me the way he did. My only mission was to get out of that house while keeping my peace of mind, and not turn into a person like them.

We stopped buying food and putting in the house. If we did buy food, non-perishables, they were left in our trunk of the car as storage and taken out when needed, or left in our small, cramped shared bedroom. My girls and I, we were and still are a team. They couldn’t break our spirit, no matter how hard they tried.

They didn’t like that at all.

Yeah, It Was Hell

It went from the food thing to turning off the central air units, claiming we broke it because we went in and out of the house, to turning off the washing machine from the inside the washer itself so we couldn’t use it to wash not even our work clothes; to not speaking to us for months, or introducing us to company or other family;  to pulling a fuse for the ceiling fan, turning off the internet so my daughter couldn’t do schoolwork, to hiding remote controls to televisions telling my girls what they could and could not watch in that house, to limiting our use of water in the shower.

Nothing was ever said about any of this as they did it. Can we say passive-aggressive? They just did it and acted as if they did nothing at all and if confronted with it, would absolutely deny it 100%. They were guiltless and it was everyone else who did them wrong. My father, the martyr, who gives his heart and soul to people and everyone else just shits on him!

Poor, poor daddy. Yeah, right. pfft!

So How Did I Deal With It All?

Obviously it wasn’t easy at all. There were many, many days I cried, and thought, “Why did I bring my daughters and I to this nightmare?!” But those were temporary lapses of reason. Once I cried it was O.K. I would let common sense, and the teachings of my Spirit guide me on how to deal with it all. When I thought of what it was that I did that helped me most, it came down to 8 things I did on the regular. These things were my guiding lights through the darkness.

1. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

*This is the second agreement of The Four Agreements by don Miguel Luiz, and the one that was most important, and challenging to me during this time which is why I share it here now.

First I tried very hard not to take any of this personal because I could see that they are both just sad, lonely, miserable people and everything they do is not about other people but about themselves. Despite everything they did, I tried very hard to see the Divinity in them, for after all, we are made up celestial DNA, star-borne we all are so there has to be some good in them somewhere. I tried to find it and focus on that.

It was challenging, it was difficult and almost impossible. For when you caught a glimmer of radiant starlight within them, it was over taken by the black soul-sucking hole like energy that surrounds them. Their negativity is larger than who they are, and so much so you almost want to feel pity for them, and you probably would if you weren’t too busy getting out of their way so your own soul wasn’t sucked up their vortex of toxicity.

I told myself over and over this old adage, “This too shall pass.” And it did. It seemed like a lifetime before it did but it did pass because all things come, and all things go. This was no different.

2) Prayer

When you’re stuck in a tunnel of suffocating darkness, you must try to remember that no matter what, there is light at the end of that tunnel even if you don’t see it. In the meantime, until you see that light, you must create your own to guide your way. How do you do this? I did it through prayer, and lots of it.

I prayed for the light of love to be with my daughters and I, to fill the house, and my father and his wife’s withered, and shriveled up blackened hearts with the love they so desperately need. It was hard to pray for the best for them when it seemed all they wanted was the worst for us but I allowed the wisdom of my heart to guide me, to show me the way, and I followed. Ego be damned!

Prayer became my best friend. The more shit my father and his wife dealt out the harder I prayed for goodness and tranquility to wash over the situation, the house and for love to fill their withering, black hearts. It would have been easy to wish them hell but I knew they were already suffering. No person who isn’t suffering and miserable would ever act towards their own family the way my father and his wife acted towards us.

3) Focus Only On The Positive

You must remember to focus only on that which is positive and good. The law of attraction is here at work so whatever you focus on you will receive more of. This is where strength, determination and courage are important allies that will carry you through. Nothing is so important that costs you your soul.  I fell back on everything I knew, all of my teachings, and understanding of the law of attraction. I knew if I was going to create a place of peace and light I needed to focus on that peace and light, I needed to be that peace and light, even if that light was a fire at times that burned intensely, as long as that fire pushed us forward that’s all that mattered.

4) Practice Gratitude

When it seems the worst is when we must be the most grateful. When we feel like we have nothing else to give is when we must reach deep within and find an ounce of gratitude and let that lead us. Gratitude comes from the heart, it can’t be faked, and it is the brightest light that will lead us out from the dark into our own.

meesheeWhen things were bad, which was almost everyday, I would wake up and see my girls, and with an open heart full of love and gratitude I’d give thanks I had them with me, and they were safe, and healthy. Gratitude. I would get up, go outside and sit at the table with my phone, my notebook and a pen, often greeted by the neighborhood kitten called Meeshee. Gratitude.

I’d take time to notice my surroundings, and everything around me; the beautiful palm tree that had plenty of giant coconuts ready to fall; the awesome mango tree that was ripe, and heavy with juicy fruit, ready to give to the receiver. The pineapple and wild strawberry growing in the yard, and all of my step-mother’s incredible lush green aloe plants and tropical flowers.  I noticed the birds singing and the little lizards and gecko running about or crawling on my chair. I would look out and up and see the small puffs of transparent white clouds that dotted the sunny, blue clear skies. This is what I focused on. Gratitude.

Gratitude Is Everything

Despite everything else that was going on, the reality was that we were safe, dry, we had a place to stay, a roof over our head, a warm, decent bed to sleep in. All four of us were working and making money to move out of there. We were not out on the street, homeless, begging for a right to a crust of bread or a bottle of water; we had that and more. So we had to deal with some pretty messed up things along the way, the fact is it wasn’t the worst I’d ever experienced. In fact, it was more of major annoyance than anything, and I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. And it didn’t. This is what I focused on. Gratitude. I continued to create my light by focusing on that which was good, and for everything I could be grateful for.

5) Venting

A big saving grace was having someone to talk to about all of this that was going on. I have a few good friends who, although were all back in Ohio, and elsewhere, they were there for me holding space, letting me vent, curse, holler and work this out. It was heavy talking to me at times because the situation we were in was heavy, suffocating, and toxic. But my friends, the ones that truly matter, and love me kept holding space for me, they were there for me to let me vent, to let me work it out in whatever way I could no matter how difficult, and heavy things may have been. Especially my sister-priestess, Soul-Sister Amanda. She was my rock. I love them all more than they know. Gratitude. 

6)Laughter

The moment something bad happened, instinctively we want to cuss, yell or cry out, “Damn it!” or some other colorful eff word. I decided to try to train myself to react by automatically thinking of everything and anything I could be grateful (Gratitude)for, or even laugh about. It was hard but it became easier as I kept on trying. And in the trying took my focus from whatever was going on and into the moment of my trying. That was the only thing I focused on and it saved me many, many times. And yes, there were times when things were so bad, and so stupid the only thing I could do was laugh. Laughter is good for the mind, body, and soul.

7) Beach Therapy

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

–Isak Dinesen

And of course, there’s was beach therapy. Lots of wonderful and healing beach therapy.  There were many days I went and sat on the beach, and stared out for what seemed like thousands of miles while I dug my toes in the sand, and just watched the waves come crashing in. I would mentally, and sometimes physically, send my sorrows back out letting the ocean mama take it all back into her, to be renewed again. Not everyone has a beach to run off too, in fact, before we moved here to Florida we didn’t have a beach to run off to either but we did have beautiful park systems with a river running through it. If you aren’t lucky enough to have a river near by, there is always your bath tub. Create a serene environment, adding sea salt or epsom salt to your bath, light candles, burn relaxing incense, calming reiki or jazz music, or whatever relaxes you and just. let. go.

beach8) Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, for your soul not someone else. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone the objectionable behavior, and hurtful actions towards you. It does mean, however, that you will not be held prisoner by your own angry, and hurt emotions so you forgive and let live and let go.

And so every time the pettiness of my father began to affect us, I forgave. When I wanted to go ballistic, scream, and yell, I forgave with same intensity that I was stressed.

I remembered to try not to take it personal, to find something positive to focus on, and to look around me wherever I was then, and be grateful. Only in the center of my gratitude could I find the place inside my heart to forgive. And I forgave. 

And then I forgot. I forgot about the problems, the house, and most importantly, I forgot about them!

The Outcome

This is how dealt with and survived hell in that house. As of May 14th, we officially moved into our own condo, and cut off all communications with my father, his wife, and the rest of his family. Since then my daughters and I have been pretty much at peace. The distance between my father and I is about as far as it ever was when I lived in Ohio, over a thousand miles away, and worlds apart. I have no regrets, and I am content with that.

We are moving forward in a positive way, and we can honestly say we are going to give Florida a chance, from the place we are now, and not the place we were when we first arrived. We are living in Florida now when before we were just staying here. Now we can be open to see what all it has to offer us without the stress, and negativity of being in the toxic environment of my father’s house.

Whatever happens, I have my three beautiful, intelligent and courageous  daughters, and together we’ll get through anything.  One of the most important confirmations I gained from this experience among the many lessons is that we, my daughters and I, have always been the close and loving family we needed. Now we are only closer.  How much more blessed can we be?!

Until next time,

Love, Beauty & Magick,

P.S

Thank you for reading. If you liked it, please share it! I invite to leave comments and feedback below as well. Thank you so much.

 

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Beltane Message 2013 from Queen and King of May

*A Note On My Own Personal Thoughts and Style of Reading Tarot:

I don’t usually post much about tarot but every once in a great while I may get share here and there or even get on ‘ a sharing kick” but for the most part, it’s not my thing to share my interpretations online.  Since I am now, I decided that I will also share a few of my thoughts about tarot and my particular style. There are many different styles of reading as there are readers and not everyone can agree with or are open to other styles. However, it doesn’t mean those other styles are wrong and others are right but merely different and sharing a different perspective only reveals another layer of the Divine mystery that lay within the images of the Tarot. I tell stories with Tarot. Stories come naturally to me and so with the Tarot, magically unfolds the story which is then the message of the moment.

Because each tarot is layers upon layers of deep meaning, I do not try to give every possible meaning to a single card or integrate every symbolic message therein. Trying to squeeze every possible meaning out of one card into one message is like trying to describe the Divine mysteries in one shot. There are as many meanings to the cards and individually as there are people on the planet and forth coming. It just can’t be done. For me, the deeper meaning, the one that is meant for that particular time, tends to get lost among the overwhelming amount of information presented in trying to synthesize the whole to one meaning.  As I already said, the cards are rich with hidden meanings and deep mystery and mysteries can never be explained but experienced and understood and only then one mystery at a time, just like we live our moments, one at a time.

The Tarot is a mystery for a reason; layers upon layers waiting to be discovered and revealed. There is so much meaning to one particular card and certain things jump out and speak at different times for what needs to be heard at that moment or period of time. Each time I read tarot, I uncover another layer and read what I may not have seen before. Here you will not find the detailed description of each card, that of which you can see for yourself. Nor did I show the traditional Waite-Smith deck pics, which I do use for readings as they didn’t fit the energy of my story. Here you will get “only the message, ma’am” as I personally intuited and received it.  I will, however, list symbols from the Waite-Smith deck at the end and what they are typically interpreted as. Again, I don’t get stuck on any one meaning of any given symbol. Each symbol has a multitude of meaning as well.  Some of the symbols may be relevant at this time to the message or not. It’s all a mystery, and the magic of it is experiencing it unfold into your own deep consciousness as it does mine. For me, it almost always unfolds as a story.

With that said, if my interpretation doesn’t mesh with you because you are a reader with your own style or because it just doesn’t then that’s OK. It’s not for you then but it is for someone out there.

And so moving along…

On the 1st of May I contemplated either doing a sabbat spread and tarot reading for Beltane season or just pull a couple of cards. I ended up deciding just pulling a few cards. Thinking of Queens and Kings of May, I decided to only use the court cards and let spirit choose the May Queen and King. The day before I drew the Temperance card and it’s message was about the integration of two or more things happening in the mundane and spiritual levels. Seemed fitting then, the Queen and King of May.

This is what I wrote down in my Tarot Jounal: Oh and by the way I didn’t change much except the typos, which I did out of  courtesy to you dear reader!  Since I couldn’t even read my own handwriting half the time, it took a lot of effort to sit down here and type away and fix things.  But hey, your worth it!  (^__^)/

Who is the  May Queen and King? The Queen of Cups and King of Wands. Oohh..sensual, wet, hot, lusty and sensual, highly sexual connection here. It may not be a forever thing but the time they have is a powerful and magickal time and they definitely make it count.

Personality Types and  Attraction:

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The Queen of Cups is a beautiful, sensual and romantic woman. She is an intuitive, feeling and passionate woman whose love and sexuality and sense of caring run deep. She is receptive and like her ruling element of water that is mutable, adaptable and seems to be flow with change with ease.  She is connected to her highest self and feels through her heart. Although she maintains a sense of control, her feelings of what love and romance are seem to naturally flow just as easily. She’s able to help others makes sense of, get in touch with and understand their own emotions better.

The King of Wands is a natural-born leader, a real go getter kind of guy. He is highly motivated to take action; a determined person who at the same time is not rigid in his ideas and beliefs but rather remains flexible and open to other points of view and ideas even if they don’t match his own. He is authentic, confident, self-actualized individual who is able to express his true nature, the wise, passionate-loving, take charge kind of guy. He is also extremely devoted to his family. His issues are that sometimes he can get carried away by his over enthusiastic optimism and may need to slow his role, so to speak. But once a wild-fire gets going, it’s hard to put out. This is where the lady of cups may help put out or soothe this raging inferno to a more pleasant and beautiful fire. Image

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: INTEGRATION AND ROMANCE:

The King of Wands finds the Queen of Cups sexually appealing loving her vivaciousness, her curves, succulent breasts and wide, rounded hips which he sees as perfect for bearing the children. He sees that she is the ultimate nurturer so in all that they create together, in their hot, passionate sexy couplings, like the sun to the earth, their children shall be well-loved, nurtured and cared for.

The Queen of Cups simply finds the King of Wands hot, charming, utterly irresistible if even only for the time being. He is the hot, fiery, passionate and wild lust and she is the watery, flowing and receptive of his lust and burning sexual attraction.

She is a visionary and because she’s easily adaptable, she shares his vision of bringing forth new life from the fertile and magickal realm their union has created.Image And so together with their visions of a prosperous and abundant earth, they are joined in sacred union of love and passion to bring forth a vision and purpose so much greater than themselves. Image

THE BELTANE MESSAGE:

So maybe they aren’t in it for the long haul. That’s OK. But while they are in it, they are really in it! They are in a passionate, sensual, romantic energetic flow sharing magical, sexual interlude after another; with them, magick is alive and definitely afoot! …and a kiss, a touch and caress and all of those wonderful sensual delights! The King continuously gives his life force, his seed to the Queen of Cups and she lovingly and openly receives and begins to nurture the new life already beginning to form.

Together these two energies of fire and of water, when in perfect balance create the perfect watery, warm and fertile womb from which new life is formed, sustained and comes forth.

This season of Beltane, “in the lusty month of May”, is a time for those ideas, dreams and other goals that you have not yet created, thought of or maybe have put off since the new year. Maybe those ‘resolutions’ that didn’t quite stick–now is a time to start again. This time is a fertile time, the waters of cosmic creation are waiting to receive your passions, your will, your desires; it waits to be impregnated with your wishes for the future. Never is it “too late” to start or begin again. Whether they are short or long-term goals, or creating something altogether new,  the choice is yours the time is now. The fertile environment created by the union of the Queen and Kings watery and fiery realms is about movement, flow and growth. It exists to carry your dreams, wishes and hopes into the sacred center where they can actively grow, be lovingly nourished and be born manifested as reality.

Blessed Be your Beltane season.

Love, Aura

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SYMBOLS OF THE QUEEN OF CUPS:

  • Cups: cups are love, pleasure and water, feminine.
  • Water-feminine, the moon, reflective, mirror like, stillness
  • Crowns: Power, sovereignty, honor, higher being, immortality, triumph and honor.
  • Throne: seat of power, monarchy, official seat of monarch
  • Water: Intuition, emotion, psychic awareness, dreams
  • Chakra: Sacral chakra-Swadhisthana. Lower abdomen, just below navel and in pelvic region; sexual organs and for women, the womb. Pleasure, sexual desire.
  • Blue: Feminine, water, quiet, Goddess, contemplation, tranquility, stillness, deep, reflection, moon and feeling.
  • I-ching: Hexagram 2 : Receptive, Skill, Needing. Going with flow never force.

 

SYMBOLS OF THE KING OF WANDS:

  • wands- according to Golden-Dawn, wands are traditionally associated with fire. Fire is associated with creativity, passion, ambition and spirituality. It’s been said that in order not divulge the Golden Dawns secrets, that Arthur Waite purposely switched the original associations of wands from air to fire; likewise swords from fire to air. I am of that latter camp. However, for this reading and the cards I use, I went with what felt right and fire for wands it was.
  • King: mastery, control, absolute power and respect. Often an older man and a driving force in his realm.
  • Crown: victory, power, immortality, righteousness and rebirth or life after death.
  • Staff: Usually held by the sage or magician. Associated with wisdom, intellect and power of the magi.
  • Throne: seat of power, monarchy, official seat of monarch
  • Element : Fire. Heat, Passion, movement, energy, asseriveness
  • Chakra: Third Chakra-Solar plexus or Manipura, it’s element is fire and it’s located just above the navel in the solar plexus. Vitality, assertiveness, self-confidence, will and determination
  • Colors : red-survival issues (root chakra) strong, intense emotions, (love, anger) determination, life blood.  Said to be masculine but as a Goddess woman who reclaims the “life blood”, I see red as divinely feminine.
  • Yellow: Illumination, light, radiance, the sun, mental activity, self-expression and confidence; ironically, yellow is said to be the color of the coward. Where did we get that expression? …energy, will power, redemption…
  • The I-Ching- Khien , Creative power and skill

I do not own any of these images.