8 Pearls Of Light That Guided Me Through Hell

It’s been some time since I’ve been here to this place, and shared any thoughts and random musings about anything at all. Whew! Well let me tell you I’ve been busy moving through this thing in life we call “change”. I thought about writing a tell-all post about what transpired over the last several months but realized that would make for a longer post than I wanted to write. Further, I don’t want to go backwards mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

But– I also need to purge before I can move on and write the really good stuff. And perhaps in my purging process, how I managed to make my light in the middle of this hell might be of use to someone out there going through their own hell. If it helps even one person other than myself then it is worth it.

The Big Move

After living in our house on Schiller Ave in Akron Ohio for over eight and half years, in the middle to late November of last year, my youngest three daughters and I got rid of everything we had, and what we decided to keep we stored in a 5 x7x8 ft U-Box from U-Haul to have shipped to our destination. What we couldn’t fit in there we packed away in a storage bag-unit and put on top of my little black Chevy Cavalier. What didn’t fit in there, we packed inside and on November 17th, we took off for West Palm Beach, Florida where we now live.

Change Is Good. But It Ain’t Easy!

After a stop in Kentucky to stay the night with a dear friend, Ms. Heather, we arrived here in WPB, November 19th, and stayed with family; a father of which I haven’t seen since the first time I ever met him 20 years ago, and his current wife. It’s been an experience to say the least, and one I’m still not fully recovered from as of yet. It didn’t take long to realize that we had arrived in Casa del infierno, aka the house of hell. After the vacation period ended, about two weeks after our arrival, they dropped their masks of happiness, and instead the real faces of the sad, unhappy, and miserable little trolls we were staying with were revealed.

In fairness, it’s difficult enough for anyone staying with other people, family or friends, and having to get used to their way, their lifestyle, their habits, and ideals especially when they don’t mesh with yours. It’s worse when you’re total strangers living in a strangers house and that stranger just happens to be your father.

Add that stress on top of suddenly being immersed into a whole new Spanish culture and way of life with the expectation that we needed to just instantly adapt. Here we were in the house where there was a patriarch; this may be normal for many people but for me, a single mother who has raised five strong, and independent young women without a masculine figure-head at the forefront of our lives, this was a huge adjustment and shock to deal with.

At first it was nice. It is Florida after all! Instead of spending a winter in the ice and snow we were going to spend it in the sun on the beach! That happiness and enthusiasm didn’t last long. Shortly after the masks dropped, the shit began.  But I won’t go into great detail and list every rotten, passive-aggressive thing they did, just the ones that pissed me off the most. Like purposely not stocking the pantry with staples and eating out every day, just to make the message loud and clear, “We are not going to give food to you and your girls.” 

The Issue of The Food And The Divine Blessing of Friendship.

Since the time we arrived in November, and because we were in someone else’s home, regardless that it was my father, I bought food for the house. I bought things that my daughters enjoy but I also watched and saw what Spanish foods my father and his wife like and bought regularly so I tried to contribute that way. Needless to say, this was not appreciated. Since I bought food and put it in the house for everyone, this gave them one less thing to complain about.

By mid-January and only when my father knew that my finances were almost depleted is when my father decided that my daughters and I could make do with nothing and thus, began to take himself, and his wife out to eat every day, or visit her son, and his wife having lunch daily over there, leaving the pantry bone dry in the house. Although I had been hired in at a hospital in the beginning of January, due the scheduling of orientation and other delays, I wasn’t working yet. It was now February. Thank Goddess for a couple good friends in Ohio, my dear friends-like-family, Gwen and Leezette, and one kind acquaintance in California, named Carolina, who knew the situation, stepped up to help me out. Between the three of them they sent me a few hundred dollars to keep food for the girls until I started my new job a few weeks later. Their generosity is immeasurable. It saved our lives. And to them, I am grateful.

Eternally Grateful

Shortly after that I received an unexpected gift in addition to what my friends sent to me; my 401 K savings from my previous job I left in Ohio. That check arrived in perfect timing allowing us to once again, have a soft cushion of security until we started receiving income. I was able to buy food, and other needed things for the girls and I.

Once I bought food for the girls and I, suddenly my father and his wife stopped eating out, and once again were eating back at the house. Guess what food they were eating? The food I bought from money sent to me from friends. And although this provoked my daughters ire, especially in my 19 yr old, Amaris. I told them, “Let them have it. We pick our battles and this is not the one we want to fight. Not yet.”

Another blessing was Amaris started her job at a restaurant in late January and was making very decent tips, anywhere from $70 to $150 a night. It was that money that she put in an envelope named “Argante Fund” –this was not her money, she said, but ours, as a family. We needed to do with what we had to to keep from having to deal with them. Our uniforms, shoes, and anything else we needed was bought with that “Argante Fund” money. My father and his wife saw us coming and going with items, clothes (uniforms) as well as Amaris would bring food home at night when she left the restaurant and complained to their border that we had “all this money” and didn’t give them even a little bit.

Why would we? We needed “all that money” to do what we had to do, and to get out of that house. And had he not been such an asshole, maybe I might have offered to give him something out of respect. But he lost any respect I might have pretended to have when he chose to treat my daughters and me the way he did. My only mission was to get out of that house while keeping my peace of mind, and not turn into a person like them.

We stopped buying food and putting in the house. If we did buy food, non-perishables, they were left in our trunk of the car as storage and taken out when needed, or left in our small, cramped shared bedroom. My girls and I, we were and still are a team. They couldn’t break our spirit, no matter how hard they tried.

They didn’t like that at all.

Yeah, It Was Hell

It went from the food thing to turning off the central air units, claiming we broke it because we went in and out of the house, to turning off the washing machine from the inside the washer itself so we couldn’t use it to wash not even our work clothes; to not speaking to us for months, or introducing us to company or other family;  to pulling a fuse for the ceiling fan, turning off the internet so my daughter couldn’t do schoolwork, to hiding remote controls to televisions telling my girls what they could and could not watch in that house, to limiting our use of water in the shower.

Nothing was ever said about any of this as they did it. Can we say passive-aggressive? They just did it and acted as if they did nothing at all and if confronted with it, would absolutely deny it 100%. They were guiltless and it was everyone else who did them wrong. My father, the martyr, who gives his heart and soul to people and everyone else just shits on him!

Poor, poor daddy. Yeah, right. pfft!

So How Did I Deal With It All?

Obviously it wasn’t easy at all. There were many, many days I cried, and thought, “Why did I bring my daughters and I to this nightmare?!” But those were temporary lapses of reason. Once I cried it was O.K. I would let common sense, and the teachings of my Spirit guide me on how to deal with it all. When I thought of what it was that I did that helped me most, it came down to 8 things I did on the regular. These things were my guiding lights through the darkness.

1. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

*This is the second agreement of The Four Agreements by don Miguel Luiz, and the one that was most important, and challenging to me during this time which is why I share it here now.

First I tried very hard not to take any of this personal because I could see that they are both just sad, lonely, miserable people and everything they do is not about other people but about themselves. Despite everything they did, I tried very hard to see the Divinity in them, for after all, we are made up celestial DNA, star-borne we all are so there has to be some good in them somewhere. I tried to find it and focus on that.

It was challenging, it was difficult and almost impossible. For when you caught a glimmer of radiant starlight within them, it was over taken by the black soul-sucking hole like energy that surrounds them. Their negativity is larger than who they are, and so much so you almost want to feel pity for them, and you probably would if you weren’t too busy getting out of their way so your own soul wasn’t sucked up their vortex of toxicity.

I told myself over and over this old adage, “This too shall pass.” And it did. It seemed like a lifetime before it did but it did pass because all things come, and all things go. This was no different.

2) Prayer

When you’re stuck in a tunnel of suffocating darkness, you must try to remember that no matter what, there is light at the end of that tunnel even if you don’t see it. In the meantime, until you see that light, you must create your own to guide your way. How do you do this? I did it through prayer, and lots of it.

I prayed for the light of love to be with my daughters and I, to fill the house, and my father and his wife’s withered, and shriveled up blackened hearts with the love they so desperately need. It was hard to pray for the best for them when it seemed all they wanted was the worst for us but I allowed the wisdom of my heart to guide me, to show me the way, and I followed. Ego be damned!

Prayer became my best friend. The more shit my father and his wife dealt out the harder I prayed for goodness and tranquility to wash over the situation, the house and for love to fill their withering, black hearts. It would have been easy to wish them hell but I knew they were already suffering. No person who isn’t suffering and miserable would ever act towards their own family the way my father and his wife acted towards us.

3) Focus Only On The Positive

You must remember to focus only on that which is positive and good. The law of attraction is here at work so whatever you focus on you will receive more of. This is where strength, determination and courage are important allies that will carry you through. Nothing is so important that costs you your soul.  I fell back on everything I knew, all of my teachings, and understanding of the law of attraction. I knew if I was going to create a place of peace and light I needed to focus on that peace and light, I needed to be that peace and light, even if that light was a fire at times that burned intensely, as long as that fire pushed us forward that’s all that mattered.

4) Practice Gratitude

When it seems the worst is when we must be the most grateful. When we feel like we have nothing else to give is when we must reach deep within and find an ounce of gratitude and let that lead us. Gratitude comes from the heart, it can’t be faked, and it is the brightest light that will lead us out from the dark into our own.

meesheeWhen things were bad, which was almost everyday, I would wake up and see my girls, and with an open heart full of love and gratitude I’d give thanks I had them with me, and they were safe, and healthy. Gratitude. I would get up, go outside and sit at the table with my phone, my notebook and a pen, often greeted by the neighborhood kitten called Meeshee. Gratitude.

I’d take time to notice my surroundings, and everything around me; the beautiful palm tree that had plenty of giant coconuts ready to fall; the awesome mango tree that was ripe, and heavy with juicy fruit, ready to give to the receiver. The pineapple and wild strawberry growing in the yard, and all of my step-mother’s incredible lush green aloe plants and tropical flowers.  I noticed the birds singing and the little lizards and gecko running about or crawling on my chair. I would look out and up and see the small puffs of transparent white clouds that dotted the sunny, blue clear skies. This is what I focused on. Gratitude.

Gratitude Is Everything

Despite everything else that was going on, the reality was that we were safe, dry, we had a place to stay, a roof over our head, a warm, decent bed to sleep in. All four of us were working and making money to move out of there. We were not out on the street, homeless, begging for a right to a crust of bread or a bottle of water; we had that and more. So we had to deal with some pretty messed up things along the way, the fact is it wasn’t the worst I’d ever experienced. In fact, it was more of major annoyance than anything, and I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. And it didn’t. This is what I focused on. Gratitude. I continued to create my light by focusing on that which was good, and for everything I could be grateful for.

5) Venting

A big saving grace was having someone to talk to about all of this that was going on. I have a few good friends who, although were all back in Ohio, and elsewhere, they were there for me holding space, letting me vent, curse, holler and work this out. It was heavy talking to me at times because the situation we were in was heavy, suffocating, and toxic. But my friends, the ones that truly matter, and love me kept holding space for me, they were there for me to let me vent, to let me work it out in whatever way I could no matter how difficult, and heavy things may have been. Especially my sister-priestess, Soul-Sister Amanda. She was my rock. I love them all more than they know. Gratitude. 

6)Laughter

The moment something bad happened, instinctively we want to cuss, yell or cry out, “Damn it!” or some other colorful eff word. I decided to try to train myself to react by automatically thinking of everything and anything I could be grateful (Gratitude)for, or even laugh about. It was hard but it became easier as I kept on trying. And in the trying took my focus from whatever was going on and into the moment of my trying. That was the only thing I focused on and it saved me many, many times. And yes, there were times when things were so bad, and so stupid the only thing I could do was laugh. Laughter is good for the mind, body, and soul.

7) Beach Therapy

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

–Isak Dinesen

And of course, there’s was beach therapy. Lots of wonderful and healing beach therapy.  There were many days I went and sat on the beach, and stared out for what seemed like thousands of miles while I dug my toes in the sand, and just watched the waves come crashing in. I would mentally, and sometimes physically, send my sorrows back out letting the ocean mama take it all back into her, to be renewed again. Not everyone has a beach to run off too, in fact, before we moved here to Florida we didn’t have a beach to run off to either but we did have beautiful park systems with a river running through it. If you aren’t lucky enough to have a river near by, there is always your bath tub. Create a serene environment, adding sea salt or epsom salt to your bath, light candles, burn relaxing incense, calming reiki or jazz music, or whatever relaxes you and just. let. go.

beach8) Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, for your soul not someone else. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone the objectionable behavior, and hurtful actions towards you. It does mean, however, that you will not be held prisoner by your own angry, and hurt emotions so you forgive and let live and let go.

And so every time the pettiness of my father began to affect us, I forgave. When I wanted to go ballistic, scream, and yell, I forgave with same intensity that I was stressed.

I remembered to try not to take it personal, to find something positive to focus on, and to look around me wherever I was then, and be grateful. Only in the center of my gratitude could I find the place inside my heart to forgive. And I forgave. 

And then I forgot. I forgot about the problems, the house, and most importantly, I forgot about them!

The Outcome

This is how dealt with and survived hell in that house. As of May 14th, we officially moved into our own condo, and cut off all communications with my father, his wife, and the rest of his family. Since then my daughters and I have been pretty much at peace. The distance between my father and I is about as far as it ever was when I lived in Ohio, over a thousand miles away, and worlds apart. I have no regrets, and I am content with that.

We are moving forward in a positive way, and we can honestly say we are going to give Florida a chance, from the place we are now, and not the place we were when we first arrived. We are living in Florida now when before we were just staying here. Now we can be open to see what all it has to offer us without the stress, and negativity of being in the toxic environment of my father’s house.

Whatever happens, I have my three beautiful, intelligent and courageous  daughters, and together we’ll get through anything.  One of the most important confirmations I gained from this experience among the many lessons is that we, my daughters and I, have always been the close and loving family we needed. Now we are only closer.  How much more blessed can we be?!

Until next time,

Love, Beauty & Magick,

P.S

Thank you for reading. If you liked it, please share it! I invite to leave comments and feedback below as well. Thank you so much.

 

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Crazy Wisdom

Last night while laying across my bed and reading “Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper: Gifting the World with Your Words and Stories, and Creating the Time and Energy to Actually Do It” by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy also known as SARK, I was grappling with something I did earlier in the day. I was trying to understand why I reacted in the way that I did.

So, as SARK says, “…write about how you feel in that moment…” so I picked up my pen and notebook and began writing . As I let the juicy ink flow from my pen to that thirsty paper, I realized something. I realized that my reaction was one that came from a place of fear and not love that I like to think I try so hard to align myself with.

I realized that was my other issue. That I try so hard. I realized that I have yet to surrender myself over to God (which is simply “love” to me)  and let things unfold the way that they need to in my life. But I keep trying. I’m trying instead of doing. I thought I had surrendered and maybe to a certain extent I actually had but–and there is that but–I apparently never let go with one hand and used it to pull myself back into the same old fear-centered place and have been working from there while knowing I need to be operating from a place of love.

Back Story

In order to explain what I am talking about I need to share a little back-story. I’ve been a long time Goddess spirituality workshop and circles facilitator for women. Late summer, I decided that I needed to step back from it for a while as my life has been going in a whole new direction. So much so that I was not able to dedicate the time, energy and focus I needed to put together the Goddess circles and give my time and attention whole-heartedly to the women who could benefit from them. I knew then as I know now that my call to service is a different one and in a whole new capacity that will reach many more people around the world and so I thought it was best that I focus on what was currently happening in my life. While I still know this is my path, I’ve also heard “the call” to return to service in the capacity that I’m familiar with.

The Goddess-Sister Circle.

But my problem was that I didn’t want to dedicate that much time to doing this work. Any sister-priestess out there who facilitates these circles knows the time and energy that goes into having something meaningful and with purpose –it isn’t just a simple gather and spontaneously there is Goddess energy that takes over. I know that some teach that but I’m not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal. Not when it comes to this sacred work. Sometimes though, it happens. Anyway, I needed to reconcile my differences with what I was being called back to do with what I really wanted to do.

The Solution?

Goddess Workshop or how I like some women refer to call them, “playshops”.  Better yet, “Bliss-shop”

So I decided that this would work for me. I could put together a multi-series playshop based on Goddess archetypal energy and how to use it to empower ourselves as women. I already have a class I taught with Goddess in the Chakra’s and their archetypes, both positive and negative that could also turn into a seven week workshop vs the seven months we did in the an intimate setting of a circle of women in temple space. Ideas just pouring forth in a way that will let me serve Goddess, her women and community with deep and meaningful purpose and not constrict me of my time and energy.

Anyway, I decided on doing first the Goddess archetypes and empowerment playshop and was online gathering up some additional resources. While I did I came across this Melbourne, Australia based site called “Goddess Playshops”

Sounds just like my cup-of-tea. It’s what I’ve been doing for a long time in one way or another. I went through the site checking it out and thought about how it would be groovy to go to one of their playshops. But alas, Australia is a far way to go to attend a Goddess Circle! But then I saw the link that said facilitators and when I hovered my mouse over it, it said “Find One” so I thought, “Hey, maybe there will be one here. That might be cool”

I clicked it.

Whoa! I was stunned. Surprised. In fact, I was utterly shocked.

Yes, in fact there was one in the United States. In Ohio even and still, Akron area where I live. Even more so, the facilitator is a woman I personally know and very well.

I reacted first with a great burst of laughter. “Was this an effing joke? Really? Her?! OMG! This CAN’T be right? This woman is a total wack-a-doo!” I immediately posted a status message on Facebook of laughter and disgust. I even posted the link to her profile on the Goddess Playshop website laughing hysterically about it. After about 20 minutes I realized that was not reflective of the woman I really am and so I deleted it.

I text a friend with whom I am very close to and whom I share a great deal with and telling her about it. I told a few other people who actually know her too and we just were astonished and laughing and stunned.

This woman leading and guiding women to empowerment? Really? My mind just went over it many times, completely flabbergasted. I know this woman personally as I said. She is still a victim herself and wears her badges proudly of being a “Sexual Abuse Survivor” —according to her, she’s been raped 22 times and at last count, the last time I saw her, when she was at my house for two weeks in July of 2008, she claimed that her her young daughter, who was 5 at the time, had been molested about 6 or 10 times as well. During her stay here, the daughter also supposedly “remembered” being molested again by one of my own family members even! This woman’s issues have become her daughters issues. She lives as though she and her daughter are one person instead of two. It is very sad.

She’s bi-polar and a recovering crack-addict and to her credit, she managed to thus-far over come her addiction and earn her BA in psychology. (FYI: She is very open about this and will talk about it if she is asked) But since I’ve known her, since 2004, she’s flipped from Goddess spirituality to Jesus more times than I can count. For a time she’s all about Goddess then when something she can’t handle happens to her, she flips out and tosses or purges every Goddess item she has and “goes back to Jesus”. Until her next episode. She goes on and on about she and her daughter being a “sexual abuse survivors” telling anyone who will listen her sad, sad stories. Once, while here during a Sabbat ritual, she was telling the entire group about how she and her four year old daughter were sexually molested repeatedly. It was very embarrassing and very sad.

I mention these few things because one, it’s some of my own real-life personal experiences of her and two, on her own profile on the Goddess Playshops website, she’s announcing publicly that’s she’s a victim. It’s all beside the main point really as I needed to give a background because it leads me to where discovering this on my search to gather information taught me something about myself yesterday.

Behavior Check

Why was I bothered by her? Why did seeing her name listed as a Goddess Playshop facilitator make me react the way that it did? I almost said “Screw this, I’m not going to do these when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid.”

Was I jealous? No. Jealous is wanting something someone has that you do not. I’ve been teaching Goddess Spirituality for years. This was not it.

Was I still mad at her for being the energy and psychic vampire that she is and all the insane drama she caused in the past? Perhaps. But I’ve learned to let go of so much of the past that it had to be more than this that caused me to react and feel the way I did.

What was seeing her and knowing this trying to teach me about myself? What was this reflecting back to me?

FEAR

It was reflecting my own deep-seated and rooted fear. Yes, I had thought momentarily, “Screw this, I’m not going to do these (Goddess  circles/worshops) when I can still run into crazy. Crazy is what I want to avoid,” and almost decided to forget it all but I decided to forge ahead with the workshop ideas because I’m not that weak. I realized though it wasn’t crazy on the outside I wanted to avoid and feared.

It was crazy on the inside.

She frightens me. Her crazy frightens me.  I realized it’s because I’ve always been afraid that she is what I might become.

Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.
Hygeia is the Greek goddess personification of physical and mental health.

Going Back A Little Further

I was raised by my mother’s grandparents because my own mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and was unable to raise me. She spent most of my life in and out of mental hospitals. I seen my mother have nervous-breakdowns more times than I care to count. Being a young child watching your mother being dragged off by police and ambulance is something that sort of sticks with you somewhere in the back of your mind apparently. The neighbors saw this and their kids were not allowed to play with me because my mom had issues. This too does something to your self-esteem as a young child hearing from your friends, “I’m sorry we’re not allowed to play with you because you know, your mommy is crazy.”

Through the years I thought I’d gotten over these fears but apparently I have not. I had always heard, “The gene runs in the family” or “It can get you at any time” which, I know that if schizophrenia hasn’t displayed itself by the age of 24 it’s not going to. At least this is what studies and doctors say. So this is apparently always in the back of my mind and this woman is a reminder of that. And with the course of this year being described as ‘crazy’ and magical and wild, I’ve thought many times “Am I going crazy?” because of the deep mystical experiences I’ve had and continue to have as well as the mundane fantastic things happening and unfolding in my life.

It feels at times, cray-cray.

I started thinking about this former friend and the fact that she wears her past experiences as a badge of honor and pride saying “Look at me, I’m a survivor, hear me roar!”  only says to the warrior in me how pathetic and sad she is. I noticed how easy it was to anger at her and how I had little to no compassion for the reasoning behind her attention seeking ways and slinging around the whole sexual abuse survivor story. In fact, it pissed me off when she was a part of my life as she constantly drained me for my attention and energy telling me she ‘needed’ my strength. If I’m going to be real about it just seeing the whole “I’m a sexual abuse survivor” still pisses me off now.

I have survived sexual abuse. Many women have. I was a child, not on crack turning tricks for it and later claiming it was rape. Perhaps this is what makes me angry at her inside. I have survived child abuse at the hands of my grandmother. I survived domestic violence and abuse at the hands of my ex- husband. But I am not a victim and while I survived those things, I’m not a survivor of them.

Those things that happened to me do not in anyway shape or form define who I am. I am not those experiences. Yes, they happened and they were bad but they were experiences I had –they never were and never will be me. It is true that because of those experiences, as unfortunate as they were, I was caused to learn a great deal about myself and who I am, my strength and my own potential but it is through our experiences that we do so. Not by clinging on to them, letting them define us and who we are or who we have the potential to be.  We are all continuously learning because of the things, both good, wonderful and bad that happen to us. They all are gifts and have something to offer us if we are willing to be open to receive.

No matter what we’ve been through, we are not our experiences nor should we let our experiences define who we are now or who will be in the future. We should honor them, good or bad because we all got something from them that should help make us better people and reaching further to that place of love and potential within ourselves. It’s been said many times over in many ways and it is true now— We are so much more than what we believe we are or any experience that we’ve ever had.

What else did I learn? That perhaps maybe my faith in the Divine isn’t as strong as I thought it was. It’s definitely something for me to consider or think about.

Who am I really to question whether or not this woman, regardless of what I know about her, is ‘fit’ to lead other women to Goddess?  Who am I to know whether or not through her own experiences, imagined or real that she might not have something to offer women? How do I know that this course work didn’t help her finally step into her own divine Goddess power? I don’t. When we encounter Goddess energy and we allow it to move through our lives we are changed. There’s no guess work about that.

 “She changes everything She touches, Everything She touches Changes”

I realized that if this woman took the course to be a Goddess Playshop facilitator and actually did the work and met the Goddess Within, then she would be changed or at least, in a position to know her own weaknesses and build her strength so that she might be able to, with the right tools, be able to help others.

My reaction should have been more one of “How wonderful this is! Perhaps the Divine Feminine is moving through Her life and has brought her to a place of emotional, spiritual and mental wellness” —never mind that her biography still has her purporting herself as a victim. I shouldn’t have given it much more thought than being thankful that Goddess is everywhere and in everyone and working her magic in the ways she sees fit.

Strange Teachers

The irony is that while I have avoided this woman like the plague, cut her out of my life like a malignant tumor and whom I laughed at and reacted so poorly when I first saw her name listed as a Goddess Playshops facilitator is that she  had something deep to teach me. And that lesson was that I’m still fearful of complete surrender to Love; that I still cling to the realm of operating from a place of fear. And because of this, my actions and reactions aren’t speaking the truth of the place of Love where I long to stay. I don’t want to be just a visitor to this place of Love within myself. I want to be an eternal resident, in this life and beyond. I realize I need to move closer to surrender of all things, not just some. So yes, this woman I feared and rejected has had something to teach me after all. It may have been indirect and she is not aware of it, but all the same it was because of seeing her picture, her name and description that set me off deep into myself to learn more about who I am now and who I long to be. In fact, it not only taught me a thing or two but it also inspired me with ideas in which I can take this Goddess playshop I am putting together to a whole new and deeper, powerful and meaningful  level.

Nothing is by accident. There are no coincidences. Everything truly happens for a reason. We just have to step back, listen and it’ll come to us.

Websites to Visit:

Goddess Playshops

SARK’s website at Planet SARK

New Year’s Eve Revisited For 2011

Many of us have made our list of Changes for 2012 , you know the resolutions we don’t intend to keep. Some are into word play and wish to call them goals and although there is a slight difference between a goal you set out to do but might not achieve vs a resolution you make a commitment to achieve, the bottom line is if intention combined with persistence and faith isn’t there, it’ll never happen.

Ouch! Truth kinda hurts doesn’t it?

Hey I am only speaking what has been observed time and time again, year after year probably for generations. Millenia even.

I am going to share my thoughts on why we might not keep our resolutions by revisiting an updated and edited version of an old blog post I did New Years Eve, 2008 . Not much has changed except the year of course and some editing and updating.

If it aint broke, don’t fix it. 

 So why is it that we don’t keep our resolutions? Is it that they are too unrealistic? Do we set the goal so high we can’t reach it? Why do we give up at the first sign we messed up?

Perhaps some do set unrealistic goals for themselves; others set them too high and don’t do anything to try to reach it or give up all too soon just because they back slide a little. (There’s nothing wrong with falling down but then, just pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and start again.)

Another sister-priestess and myself have discussed this many times in regards to why people do not carry out their intentions or achieve the goals they set for themselves in general and what we believe the secret key is. It applies just as well, if not more so with the whole tradition of the “new years resolutions”.

The Secret Key

Faith combined with prayer and persistence to keep going when you want to give up. “Tis true. Prayer is magical. Faith is to believe in that the prayer/intention/spell will manifest. If you don’t BELIEVE, if you do not have FAITH in what you are doing and trying to achieve and you’re not persistent with your efforts then you have no spiritual power behind it helping to push it through so it can manifest on the material plane.

Everything that we do and hope to accomplish in our lives stands or falls depending upon our beliefs and depth of our prayers, however we pray. It is our faith, our belief in our own inner magic, that *positive thinking* that unlocks the Goddess power within and when that is released into our lives it is then that our lives can be transformed because we have let Universal Divine power work through us and become instruments of the Gods.

If we do not have faith in what we are doing, if we do not believe that we can make change by changing our thinking patterns, by what we let into our lives and let out of our lives then we can achieve exactly that. Nothing.

Magic, however, is another story. And it is  magic that has the potential to take place when we pray or casts spells. Magic is fueled by our beliefs; the stronger the belief, the more powerful the magic is and the more likely it is that the Divine Universal Cosmic energy that is Goddess/God/Christ/Divine power can come through lending us that extra boost we need to achieve our goals and resolutions. We can use this same power of prayer to transform our lives the whole year through, if we just believe and have faith that it exists.

Faith

Having faith in the Divine Spirit is having a candle in the darkest of hours, the longest of nights burning brightly that expresses the presence of the existence of Goddess or Divine within ourselves and the world around us.

Whatever religious path you follow, one thing is certain:

We are all children of the Universal Mind by whatever name you wish to call it and we tap into this great Cosmic source, we have the ability to create only the best for us.

Do as Thy Will. 

Although I am not Wiccan myself, I am quite familiar with the Wiccan Rede and in it reads:

Do as Thy Will. 

Do as Thy Will has been interpreted many different ways and so I am tossing my own interpretation to the multimix too.

I do not see Do as Thy Will as a mere “Do what you want to do” but rather do the true will of your heart, the will put there by Goddess, the Divine Spirit, or of your Highest Self.  When one can understand completely that we hold the spark of Goddess-Divine deep within our minds then Her will will become our will and we see that our will is Hers. The will of our heart and the Divine is one in the same. It is the will for the good, a will for the betterment of our lives to live in the fullness of Spirit.

It really is OK to have faith and believe that same Goddess energy is there for us in the greatest of times as She is in the worst.

We have been given “free will” and an understanding to know that we hold the key inside of ourselves to our success or failures of the year to come.

We can open the doors of our hearts and mind by practicing *positive thinking* thereby letting that magic of the Divine flow through us and express itself through many ways, even attaining the goals we have set for 2012.

We have this power to choose to walk in the light of the Goddess for the year to come so when we stand here again this time next year, we will know we have spent our time doing exactly what we were meant to do.

Have a little faith and believe in yourself and believe in the Divine power of prayer and the magic it brings!

Blessed Be and Happy New Year 2012