Discovering Power Through Forgiveness

The night that Hurricane Irma moved through here in south Florida, September 10th,  and we had lost power, I sat reading on my kindle by the open window. I read a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer In Spirit”  in which he spoke of forgiveness and Immaculee Ilibagiza, calling her a living Saint. I had previously bought a book by Immaculee, “Left to Tell“,  for my kindle but I hadn’t read it yet. I had read some of it earlier after watching “The Power of the Heart”, but this time I was re-introduced to her story of survival through the 1994 Rwandan Genocide through “In Spirit” as I previously mentioned. I must admit here and now that I’m so moved by the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza that every time I say her name my eyes well up with tears.

If you’re not familiar with Immaculee, I suggest you read her story or watch a few videos on YouTube of her talking about it. If you’ve watched the movie, “The Power of the Heart”, her story is there as well. If you haven’t watched the movie, I suggest you do so, not just for Immaculee’s story, but for the beautiful and powerful messages contained in the movie.

Immaculee Ilibagiza was in hiding for 91 days with 7 other women in a tiny little secret bathroom (who has secret bathrooms?!) at a pastor’s home. These women hid for their lives as the Hutu people (9 million pop.) hunted the Tutsi people (1 million) and slaughtered them by the masses with machetes. In the end, 800 thousand Tutsi were murdered, including Immaculee’s mother and father and other members of her family. Immaculee survived and came out weighing 65 pounds! She was 5’9!

I can’t even begin to imagine the utter and sheer horror these women faced daily in a tiny bathroom, where they could not make a sound for fear the people in the house would know of their existence. Horrific. But what touched me the most, and what CHALLENGED me (and still does) is after everything she had to suffer and endure, for 91 days in hiding in a tiny bathroom with 7 other women, unbathed ,and nearly starved, was her resolve to FORGIVE the people, the Hutu people who would have seen her dead if they’d have found her! To FORGIVE the Hutu for killing her parents and other family and so many of her people! To FORGIVE them …

” for they know not what they do.”

In that tiny bathroom, Immaculee learned how to be One with the God she wholeheartedly believes in. She learned to see with and through those eyes to find the power from that FORGIVENESS to move on with her life. I sobbed.

I sobbed.

I broke down.

I wept so many tears.

As I read Immaculee’s words, I felt such power moving through me, so much so I clenched my heart. I felt the pain of my own soul crying out. I heard myself asking out loud, “Why do we here have so much hatred for each other?” From today’s issues of White Supremacy to trans-issues (the trans-women who are boldly proclaiming it’s OK to act out violently against women who don’t agree with them!), from religious beliefs to sexual orientation, to class and culture, from gender identification to XXX …

Even deep hatred for our own selves.

The hatred seems to know no bounds in the world today. Especially right here in our hearts. This is where it starts. This is where it can stop. It begins with us taking stock, owning up and understanding this truth.

Red heart.

“I Forgive”

Inspired by Immaculee Ilibagiza’s story of her survival through the Rwandan genocide and her incredible divine power to transform life through forgiveness, I’ve created for myself a journal called “I Forgive”.

If Immaculee Ilibagiza can forgive the people who MURDERED her own parents, surely I can forgive those experiences and people in my life I feel have “done me wrong”, or hurt me in my past from as far back as I can remember, to those I’ve allowed to hurt me in the present day.

I don’t need to hold that anger, ugliness, and pain in my heart. I am only destroying parts of my own heart and denying myself the happiness, joy, health, wealth, and abundance I rightfully deserve, that all human beings deserve.

I’ve done a lot of personal work and letting go over the years but what I’ve come to understand it’s not a “one-time” deal. We can only let go of so much at one time before it loses its meaning and power to “let go”. We can not say, “I let go and forgive everything ever wronged to me” … no, it’s too vague and lacks the power that forgiveness actually has.

We need to be specific.

That’s the hard part, but once named and written, we CAN Forgive it and let it go.

Dare I say it?

“Yes, we can!”

I Forgive

I was surprised at my first entry:

I forgive my mom for not being the kind of mother to me everyone else had growing up. I forgive her for being sick and being unable to care for me and raise me. I forgive her for sending me to Ohio to be raised by her mother and father.” 

I was shocked that when I put the pen to paper those were the first things to come up for me. I was always so close to my mom when she was alive. But apparently, this was something deep within. It was real. Parts of self, my little girl self, had a voice and those were her words. I ended each section (dealing with a person or event & experience) with:

“My Power to Forgive is not a pardon, nor does it extend excuse to what wrong I perceive was done to me. My Power to Forgive is an acknowledgment that the fate of the condition of my own mind, heart, and soul is in my hands. I recognize that I wield the sword of power to Love or Hate and hold it in my whole being. What I choose transforms the Sword I wield and the state of my being and so I choose Forgiveness.  I choose to set myself free. I choose transformation and happiness through the power of Forgiveness which is Love. “

This is what feels right for me.

So far I’ve written up from my childhood to my teen years, my toxic marriage to my abusive ex-husband, Chris, who is, to this day, in total and absolute denial of any wrongdoing on his or his family’s part and blames me for everything as if he wasn’t there and involved at all.

Still, I’ve forgiven him.

And I’m working daily on the part where I send him nothing but love. Right now I send simply nothing but nothing. However, I have forgiven him.  I want to get to a place where I can actually send love. Even if he doesn’t know it, I will know it. But that time is not yet.

Not yet.

To be honest, I am sure I will write, “I forgive Chris for xxx” several more times to come as I’m sure I will with many things. But those things once visited will be forgiven, cleansed and never spoken of again.

I’ve written about my children who, as any parent is likely to know, will take you through it as they grow. Although it may be part of their natural process of transitioning from child to teenager, and often through the early ages of adulthood, it can be quite painful and agonizing.

I have forgiven them.

I’ve written about friendships I’ve let go of this year, friendships that weren’t serving my highest purpose at all. One friend whom I called my sister, a priestess I initiated into the mysteries of women and Goddess, seemed to be only a taker. All she did was take from me, never offering anything in return. She learned from me as I offered freely wisdom teachings, spiritual counsel, etc. and she gave nothing in return. Not even the courage to speak up and stand in her truth when she felt something was wrong, but instead cowardly walk away, saying nothing.

I have forgiven her.

I let it go. Moving on into the pure blissful flow.

Because that’s what Forgiveness does.Forgiveness

I allow whatever comes through and up asking for forgiveness. It’s amazing because as I’ve said before, I’ve done so much personal work and “forgiveness”  I thought I was done. We’re never done. This is ongoing. This is the “Forgiveness Confessional” and should be done daily or at the very least, weekly. I’ve just recently started to write about myself.

This is tough.

I’m forced to look into the mirror of my soul, the things I am seeing there I do not like. They are ugly, and they are painful.  Yet, it’s these very things that I’ve held onto so tightly.

Yet, it’s these very things that I’m holding onto with a death grip as if I can’t let go of them.

But I can. And I will. And I am.

And I will. And I am.

And I am.

I am struggling with it. I feel much resistance to writing certain things that I need forgiveness from my Self for. It’s not for fear if anyone sees, but having to look directly into it, that mirror of my own soul. It’s not about being unable to admit the wrongs I’ve done to other people, which have been plenty. Not that I’m proud of that, but I own it.

For me, it’s admitting what I’ve done to my Self.

Having to sit with a pen to paper and writing out those thoughts, those memories; confessing the horrible sins I’ve done to my own self has been the most difficult. Dealing with simply having to admit my wrong in the first place, the wrong I’ve held onto to punish myself for in a myriad of ways, even unconsciously.

But again I remember I have the Power to Forgive, even myself and most importantly myself! And I’m admitting, I’m writing, and I’m forgiving…

My Self.

Rumi

The Power of Forgiveness Isn’t For The Weak

If you say you “can’t forgive xxx” then it’s because you choose not to. Like it or not, it’s that simple.

Remember Immaculee Ilibagiza, who forgave the Hutu people who carried out a mass genocide of her people, the Tutsi in Rwanda. Immaculee found the power to Forgive even those individuals who murdered her family and forced her into hiding in a tiny bathroom 7 other women for 91 days with barely enough room to stand.

It is untrue to say you “can’t forgive” because you can. It’s that you instead “won’t forgive” and willingly choose to hold on to that pain, that anger, that hatred, and allow it to eat pieces of your heart and soul up inside.

You have that right.

You have free will.

No one will take it from you but you’d better own that choice.

If you make the choice to be unforgiving and hold on to your pain, your anger, and your hatred, then you should understand fully that you don’t have the right to blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself. 

It’s yours by choice.

Own it.

I would just ask that you really think about the immense power of Forgiveness that is in your hands. You hold it, the Power of it is yours. That Power determines the fate of the condition of your heart, mind, and soul.

May you choose wisely.

signaturepng

Advertisements

The Best Tarot Readers Like Onions

thI remember the first time, many moons ago,  I read that onions were sacred to the Egyptian Goddess Isis. My immediate thought was that an onion was an odd thing to be so sacred. However, as I grew in knowledge, and deeper wisdom unfolded, I began to see why the Ancient Egyptians likened the onion to Isis. Aside from its many healing properties from healing bee stings, insect bites, ridding of warts, corns, and other skin afflictions; curing disease, repelling evil curses, and protecting children from sickness, and to alleviate asthma, and other breathing issues as well as many other uses. It was also considered a symbol of the universe, and its multi-layered dimensions; one layer of existence revealing the next.

Today while shuffling my cards and my eye caught the statue of Isis on my altar. I drew “The Fool”. I put the other cards down, and looked at this card, which is from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, and instantly I thought of the onion, and its many layers. It made me think deeply of the Tarot in general, readings, and my friends who read them.

220px-RWS_Tarot_00_Fool

I have many friends who read the Tarot, and yet I rarely have them read for me for several reasons. It isn’t because they aren’t good at reading the cards or haven’t mastered the concrete definitions of the cards but because one can not be told the mysteries of ones soul by another. We have all the answers we need within. It is said in may esoteric circles, that “We need only remember all that we have forgotten.” It is the Tarot readers responsibility to guide, and encourage the querent to the answers within using the Tarot as a tool, not to attempt to ‘tell’ anyone what their future holds or what is going on in their past or current situations.

A querent who is conscious of his or her own life affairs should certainly already know this much. Unfortunately, a lot of  Tarot readers  I know and have experience with, friends included, do not seem to get beyond the mastery level of fixed definitions, and therefore leave the layers of the Tarot card relatively unpeeled, so to speak, and deeper wisdom untapped.

For example:

Those who do the card a day reading, drawing one card, and then sharing their interpretation of the general meaning, and definition of the card. The problem with this is that, let’s say she might draw the Queen of Swords today, July 17th, 20015 and then again October 17th, 2015; both cards will have the same interpretation, and definition copy, pasted, and attached to it. Where’s the mystery in that? Sure, it might “hit home” for some, and be relevant on many levels but the reason for that is mostly likely because the mind gets busy trying to find itself in the prediction. So naturally picking out any card, and posting any interpretation is going to “hit home” for many.  And later in the day, they will unconsciously make their actions fit the prediction of the day, and later say, “Oh my god, that was right on!”Queen+of+Swords

Yes, maybe so, but it could have been so much better!

Here’s another example:

The last time I had a real bona fide reading was Samhain of 2012. Samhain is October 31st or astrologically celebrated November 7,8,or 9th depending on the  year. At this particular time, it was November 7th. Samhain is a time when it’s said the veils between the world’s, the realm of the living, and of spirit are thinnest; when the ancestors can visit, and other ghostly beings too. It is a time we honor the dead, and celebrate the aspect of life we call death. It’s a powerful, mystical, magickal time. With all this thinning of the veils, and magick about from this realm into that of the mystical, all-knowing other side, certainly it was a good time for reading.

A dear Sis-star read for me, outside by the fire, and under the light of the full moon. I absolutely hated the reading. The emotional coloring was all off, and nothing about it made any sense whatsoever. The more she tried to literally define the cards, the worse it was. She was going through a personal transition in her life as well, and I felt at the time that might be adding to the over all color of my reading. Ultimately, by the end of this night, nothing was answered by Spirit. At least, not to my awareness.

I ended up carrying this reading with me into the world of dreams where it showed itself to me again as more of a revelation. Before I stepped out of bed I picked up the cell phone and text another soul sis-star of mine and shared with her my dream. She responded with, “Wow! What a powerful dream! What do you think it means?”

At that time, I didn’t know. But after talking to yet another soul sis-star of mine, who is an excellent guide, teacher. and friend, I was able to discover, and let unfold the ginormous picture; the over all message for my soul from my soul. So ultimately, in the end of all things, it was my sis-tars interpretation of the cards in my original reading for me that didn’t jell for me; the cards however, were right on the money.

This is because mysteries can not be told or shared. They must be experienced, and they reveal themselves to the student or seeker. This includes the Tarot as well. It is easy for even a skilled reader to project themselves into the reading even when they don’t believe they are and/or are trying to often reading, and picking up on what Self or spirit is trying to communicate to the reader vs what is necessary for the querent.

Another reason I rarely have others read for me is because I understand that I am the creator of my visions, my dreams, and I am the map maker of my future in the here, and now. I’ve been given all the tools I need to create my destiny. Having another attempt to read for me, which is actually trying to “tell” me what possibilities are in store for me does nothing to nurture my spiritual growth, and reliance on my own inner wisdom but in fact, if taken to heart, has the potential to throw me off my course.

An essential part of spiritual practice is understanding that it is a path of self exploration and discovery. It is learning how to trust the inner-wisdom that comes explicitly from the heart, and not outside sources of other telling us what is, and what is not, regardless of who it is they say they are, and what they do. The Divine speaks to all of us.

The Tarot is Like an Onion

Every card is like an onion, layered with such deep esoteric meaning just waiting to be discovered. While I think the basic associations are solid, such as, the suite of cups being related to the realm of water which is further associated with intuitive process, matters of the heart, and fluid movement, I do not think the cards themselves are repetitive.  In other words, I do not think that what the nine of pentacles says today will be exactly what it will say tomorrow under different circumstances, and affected by different energies. To read in that fashion is to not to peel back any more layers of that beautiful onion, and reveal the deeper secrets, and mysteries that are waiting to be discovered.

Unfortunately, many of the readers I know and have come into contact with spend more time in their head over intellectualizing the cards, and their meanings interpreting them literally instead of allowing themselves to feel what the card is actually saying, which again goes back to them not peeling back the layers, and having deeper meaning revealed to them. “Those who have eyes, let them see.” Most notably from the bible but it has been said in many ways in different Ancient Mystery Schools.

In other words,those who haven’t surrendered the ego to Divine will not see the deeper mysteries of Tarot or of Spirit.  The Tarot wisdom, as well as the Mysteries in general, is layered like an onion. Those who can not recognize this onion- like quality about the Tarot can not peel back layers of meaning, and reveal more truth underneath. They can not because they operate from their lower self or ego, and this is where their vibrations are concentrated.

Having the same old interpretation time, and time again reveals nothing new to the seeker, querent or even to the Self that is reading. It may be that it is a message the reader needs to hear again, and again because they haven’t quite integrated, absorbed, and put to practical use the message the first several times around, like having the same dream, night after night. They refuse to peel the layers of that mysterious onion back, or perhaps they don’t know how, and see deeper meanings there available to them. For these readers, despite, and because of their mastery of fixed interpretations of the tarot, their intuitive process with Tarot is highly limited.

Or maybe they just don’t like onions.

What it comes down is first understanding is that we all are standing at the edge of an ocean of limitless possibility therefore allowing us an infinite amount of choice in what we think, say and do. Secondly, understanding that with an infinite amount of choice comes equally an infinite amount of consequence, responsibility, and outcome. We can change our minds, and make different choices, hence a different outcome, at any time.

A skilled tarot reader can help predict the outcome of the particular pattern you have set course for your life based on the choices you are making at that time. A highly skilled, and intuitive reader is able look beyond the surface of the images, go far past the assigned definitions of the card, and gently peel back the onion-like layers mystery revealing deeper wisdom that can help you make the best possible choices in the right here and now that create a better outcome for your life.

In the end, remember, you have the power of choice, of unlimited choice no matter what you discover along the way. Ultimately, always follow the wisdom of your heart, not the interpretation of the reader, or the cards. Your heart only knows truth because it isn’t boggled down by intellect, nor does it filter the truth because what’s in the heart is true because the heart is truth. And that’s all you really want to know, isn’t it?

signaturepng

 

 

P.S

I invite you to comment below and tell me what you think?

 

 

Meditation At Dawn

I am awake. It is just before sunrise. The house is still sleeping. All except me. I embrace the silence and try to recall my dreams but I am having no luck. I grab my journal and I begin to write.

No.

I begin to draw tiny circles on the top of circles until I have drawn a cluster of them. I ponder this cluster of circles I have created and it dawns on me that I have drawn the a symbol of life. Circle on top of circle connected to another, circle within a circle, within another circle forming one big circle. Yes. Layer upon layer of seemingly individual circles but in reality, they are different expressions of one energy.

I contemplate this. I breathe this truth into my being and embrace it. After this wisdom permeates my understanding I allow my thoughts to drift again to the sleeping house. All is quiet except for the soft hum of the heater from the refrigerator and the ticking of the clock.

I feel quite open and odd at the same time now. I am still. I recognize the stillness and allow myself to just go deeper into it. I close my eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Within a few seconds the impression of fire fills my sight and the sensation of water surrounds me.

I do not think in this place of stillness and silence. In this place, one doesn’t think, only listens.

As I listen for a the sound of perhaps a voice, I am instantly filled with knowing. No voice speaks words I can hear and understand but instead they are words being written on my heart by the hand of God. I am moved to soft, quiet weeping.

Embracing this moment and allowing myself to wade in this pool of eternal love with a heart that has been once again touched by God and filled with immense gratitude.

I am being called out of my dream to come to this place, my Inner Temple. I realize that deep, within this tranquil place exists many hallways and many doors that open to many rooms. I am filled with wonder and yet I know I need to center.

I am going deeper to the center of my temple, the place where water flows freely and sparkles like diamonds; where no words are spoken but only a deep knowing shared. There are no candles to be lit and light to be let in. When the water flows, its diamond like quality reflects the light of knowledge and wisdom gained here, one sparkle at a time. The more I acknowledge, the more I am grateful and open to this splendor, the more I receive and my Inner Temple is illuminated.

My Inner Temple is quite plain and simple. There are no lavish flowers placed anywhere or candles burning everywhere for all these things are unnecessary when you are in the presence of Divine Light and Wisdom.

This place is the place where secrets are revealed and mysteries unfold. This is my sacred and holy place where I do not have questions but receive only answers to perhaps even questions yet not asked.

Breathe.

It is time to leave this beautiful place and return to the mundane. A few deep breaths and here I am, in the awareness of the Sleeping Goddess House, the humming refrigerator and the ticking clock.

I am being once again filled with an incredible knowing of why I am called out of this dreamlike meditation state and sleeping mind.

She calls me.

It is a voice so familiar, one with no sound, no words only a vibrational knowing so deep and powerful in permeates all of my being; the physical, the emotional, the mental and my spiritual self is bathed in this Divine Light of knowing.

I am tearing up once more. She has always been with me, protecting me, loving me and comforting me. It’s Her name I cry out when I’m frightened. It is Her name that comforts me.

My heart is filled with words in praise of Her:

Isis-Aset

Glorious and Most Radiant Goddess,

Queen of My Soul

Lady of the Heavens

Mother of the Gods, Earth and Men

Mistress of Magick

You are the light that illuminates my being

Let my heart rejoice

and speak your many names!

Let my breath

be a song in Your honor

and my life be a dance

to your Glory.

Radiant and luminescent Lady,

I am humble before You

and blessed by Your golden touch

in my life and upon my soul

May my heart always be open

to Your Love

My mind

to Your Wisdom

My body open

to Your healing

And my spirit

filled with Your beauty

and light

so that I might act as

Your priestess

and be a vessel

pouring Your love

into the world.

I adore You,

I adore You,

I adore You

Lady Isis-Aset,

I adore You

Queen of my soul.

Tears softly flow down my face and I taste their salt. I feel my breath, warm and light and my heart beating to the steady calm rhythm of Divine Love and Gratitude.

I am fully aware and taking in the knowledge and basking in the wisdom that I am exactly as I am meant to be in this moment. In this moment, I am perfection.